6 years on x

6 years on.

My mum asked me if I was going to write a blog for my 6 year anniversary? To be honest, I hadn't really thought of it but mum reminded me of the reason I started to write originally - to remind all the lovely ladies currently being diagnosed or treated that there is life after cancer. I  think I feel like a bit of a fraud writing now, now that life has resumed to something close to normal. Close. But never quite normal;)

Prepare for a rant. Most random rant.....

So, the last time I wrote was in February. I has just had a major 'wobble.' I had a scan, discovered my fairy god mother in the form of a detective psychologist, and got some results that confirmed I was still 'disease-free' despite having convinced myself 'it' was back. All in a months work for a cancer patient.

So, whats been happening in the last year?

In the main, just life. Wonderful normal, day in day out life. Really wonderful life. I don't want to come across as stupidly grateful, or blissfully happy, because I have as many ups and downs as the next person. But its fair to say that this 6th year of remission, has been about my most stable year since diagnosis. I've worried about normal things and it feels good.

 - I changed schools for my gorgeous girl. For lots of reasons, I made the decision to move Indyana to a different school and have spent the last 3 months worrying about whether I done the right thing by her. Fingers crossed I have. Despite missing her old school and trusted group of friends, my little warrior has risen to the challenge and put on her bravest armoury to deal with this. I think she trusts that I have done it for the right reasons despite not really understanding why. I love her so much.

 - During this year, Indyana has curiously wanted to know more about Cancer. She vaguely knew about my illness without really understanding it. She was just too young. But this year, she seems to be more aware. I have tried my hardest to strike the right balance. As a mum with advanced cancer, I always have a niggling reservation about what the future holds. I never feel completely OK about telling her I am ok, whilst wanting desperately to reassure her that I was one of the very fortunate, lucky people. Its a dilemma. A very little bit of me wants her to know the truth. That I still don't know 100%, despite it being 6 years on. Should I very gently prepare her? No! So of course, most of the time, I approach the subject with absolute confidence and try my best to tackle the subject in the only way I know how. Indy saw the Macmillan cake bake advert and asked me if she could host an event. Love her. She invited all her local friends and Mums and we raised a few hundred pounds. She was more interested in playing with her friends on the day but was equally proud of the money she raised. Not as proud as me though.

 - My business has been going well. Two years in, and we are still going. Strong. We have had another good year. Its been tough but good. We have to win business month in, month out, but with a lot of self-belief, a touch of luck and a a bit of knowledge, we are doing ok. Claire and I are like a married couple. But a couple that have a whole lot of mutual respect and a common goal for life as well as business. Despite its challenges, I really love what I do. I love the thrill of the chase, the reward of winning a new client, and the satisfaction that comes from seeing your work in a major retailer. And I get to drop my little girl to school most days. That is something to be really grateful for.

 - My family are well. Mum and Dad and Sis are healthy and happy. I feel so blessed about this. The thing about Cancer is that it does make you acutely aware of mortality. I get panicky about my family and the time we have left together. I can't help it. I try not to dwell on it, and am quite good at quickly moving on from these dark thoughts. But I do this weird thing where its like I'm looking back on my life and I want us to all pause.... pause so that no-one gets old.... or ill... it freaks me out. Its just life. And I feel so very very grateful that I have healthy parents that I love. The best Grandparents ever. Dad is still buying cool trainers that his grandsons also have, and I love him for it. My nephews (London and Dublin) are growing into funny, sensitive, handsome lads and my scouser nieces are simply mental. Brilliantly mental.

My friends continue to mean the world to me. Tra, Kee, Ju, M, Lee, Tan, Sig, Vicky, Rhonda, Claire, Nancy, Joy, Sam and Dawn .... Another year of amazing memories, giggles and love. What would life be without friends? Mine enrich my life daily.

Paul is Paul. I drive him mad daily. We went to Liverpool this weekend to see the family for Xmas. I had a moment . We were shopping in town and stopped for lunch and a drink. Aunty Lollipop was looking after Indy, and we had a rare couple of hours just the two of us. I looked at Paul and remembered the journey we had been through over the last 20 years. We grew up together. Our first home was in Liverpool. In many ways, we have become very different people to the two travellers that fell in love in L.A. but we have made it. We have had our share of challenges but we are us. Us - that would rely on each other to the last. Us that loves each other to the last.

Now, can you put that curtain pole up please Paul;)))

So, of course, I had my obligatory wobble during the year. I had some odd pains in my cervix. Pains that I haven't had before. Unusual ones worry me. So, I called my Mcmillan nurse. The call was so very strange. For me, I needed to be told to calm down, don't worry, its nothing. For her, it was very factual. Given my advanced stage of cancer I wasn't really out of the woods for 9years or so, and on that basis I should be checked. She was 'cautiously optimistic' that it was nothing to worry about.

Those 2 words. Those two words.

You might not recall but when I was diagnosed, Mccormack told me she was 'cautiously optimistic.' For some reason, I felt like they were a time bomb of pretend positivity. The words they had been taught to say when there was no guarantee. I get it. There isn't any guarantee. Stop saying those 2 bloody words.

Anyway, the pains faded and went away. Another blip in the journey. Just a bloody small inconvenience. Part of the aftermath.

So, in the main, its been a nice and ordinary year. Just the way I like it.  Life goes on, it resumes normality. I do not have any wise words to impart that others before me haven't. Just cherish every single day. Each one is an absolute gift worth treasuring. Keep learning, keep loving and keep laughing.

I can't wait for Xmas.  Its a weird time of year for me since the Big C. Too much pressure about having made it for another year. I was so scared that first Xmas. Watching my 2 year old opening her presents, not knowing... This year, I can't wait. Panto on Xmas Eve, Family on Xmas Day, and stepping aboard my favourite mode of transport Boxing Day - the big bird in the sky.

 Have a good one all,

Merry Xmas, much love xx

And finally, an end to my tale x

Hi all

So firstly, sorry for the delay in writing this. Hopefully I can explain…  The last few months have been slightly tricky for me….

On the 29^th December, my 5 year anniversary, I did start to write my blog. I just didn’t finish it. I couldn’t get all my words right. I just didn’t know what to say. It’s fair to say I was a bit confused at the time.

Here is what I wrote on the 29^th December and couldn’t finish… 

So, today I am writing 5 years from the day that I completed my treatment.  I was hoping that this blog might be a little more ‘final’ in its content than it is going to be, but I wouldn’t want to write anything other than the complete truth. 

On reflection, I think it was a bit naïve of me to think that I would hit the 5-year  anniversary and life would resume to complete normality. That I would sigh a big sigh of relief and never think about it again. When you have had cancer, life does change irreversibly. And no anniversary can change that.

So, I am going to get the ‘truth’ out the way before we go on to celebrate. I almost didn’t write this. I wanted to wait until things were more certain and write then. But, I did promise to write on the 29^th.

SO the truth is, I have been having some odd pains for about the last 6 weeks. Maybe longer. The consultant always said that if a pain was consistent for 3 weeks or more, I should check in. I convinced myself that the pains were anxiety. That I had put myself under a lot of pressure in the build up to this date, and that this was coming out in me physically. This could still be the case. I don’t know?

I do know that I feel very pissed off that I got so close and this bloody big inconvenience has struck again. So, very reluctantly, I went back to the hospital for the first time in 4 years to see the consultant. It was not a nice experience.

I wanted her to tell me that it was all OK, and that I had nothing to worry about. And of course, she couldn’t do that. She gave me an examination and didn’t find any obvious lumps and bumps but quite rightly told me she wasn’t a magician and couldn’t rule out anything sinister unless I had a scan. You may recall from my previous chapters, that this terrifies me. The actual scan scares me but more over the knowledge that someone knows whether IT has returned, and the results. I can’t really explain how much this terrifies me. I know I need to have one, and a date has been set, but the jury is still out as to whether I will go. The consultant also told me that I couldn’t say I was safely out of the woods until 8 or 9 years. It was a real slap in the face. Bloody Cancer.

I really really did not want this blog to be gloomy though. I am writing it from St Lucia. Paul, Indy and I hit to the skies on the 27^th December to join our friends Tanya and Mark and their girls for a 2-week holiday in paradise. And today, I am celebrating. Right here, right now, I have made it against the odds to beat the Big C. We started the day with a wonderful parcel of amazing celebratory cards and messages from my friends and family at home. Everyone had thoughtfully sent photos of all the good times over the years. Then, Tanya had arranged for a chef to come to the villa and cook a champagne breakfast for all of us. It was just so kind and I felt so special…

Back to today

So, as you can see, I was in conflict. I wanted desperately to celebrate but I had this nagging fear that something wasn’t quite right and I knew that I needed a scan. The rest of the holiday was lovely but tinged with these pains that were getting more consistent as time went on.

When I returned to the UK, the pains continued. I tried to reassure myself that it didn’t mean the big C was back, but as time went on, it got harder and harder. I started to go on a mental spiral downhill, and slowly, that scary character called death kept rearing his ugly head again. Those very dark thoughts started emerging. On the surface, I have been continuing to function, work, socialize but underneath, it’s been a battle.

So, finally last Friday, I plucked up the courage to go for the scan. Again, this was very traumatic for me. I just didn’t want to find myself back here. I felt really angry that after 5 years, I should find myself, back under this formidable machine – that could see whether I was going to live or not.  My fate would be the UCLH I.T. system.

I am really conscious that I sound so dramatic, but I can only tell it as I felt it  - and it felt like a drama.

Immediately after the scan, I wrote to Doctor Mccormack, telling her that I was not strong enough to get the results and that she mustn’t tell me either way of the outcome. And I meant it – I needed more time to process how I was going to get the results. I can’t forget the last time I went to get the results and my legs turned to lead.

And now to the conclusion…..

Over the last week or so, I conceded that I might actually need some help, getting this sorted. I asked my GP to refer me to a clinical psychologist. This is basically a psychiatrist who specializes in cancer patients. I have had some experience of counseling at the start of my treatment and didn’t really get on with the techniques. However, yesterday, I met a very special psychologist, who works out of the QE2 hospital in Welwyn. I think she might just have turned out to be my fairy godmother.

I liked her immediately. Unlike previous experiences, she was warm and empathetic. She actually said that she would be as terrified as me, if it were her, and that I was normal.  She got it just right. She was caring but straight talking. She just got me. She asked me if I would like her to get my results for me. I said no. And she helped me work through all my fears and we started the process of working out how I could find the strength to get my results. We agreed that we would meet again in a couple of weeks.

Today has been somewhat special.

Whilst working from Claires house (my business partner), I received a call on my mobile.  I saw the unknown caller ID, and my sixth sense, told me it was going to be an important call.

I froze, and asked Claire to answer. It was my psychologist.

I took the call, and this wonderful lady, proceeded to tell me that my scan was all clear. I am cancer free. IT ISNT BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She had taken it upon herself to contact my consultant at UCLH, get my results, seek permission to tell me, and then call me.  (and I have since found out she was off work sick). I cried with happiness down the phone, and so did she. What an amazing example of the NHS at its best.

I rang my lovely husband, who absorbed the news with his usual style. Once again, during these 3 months, he didn’t falter in his belief I would be ok, despite me trying to convince him otherwise on numerous occasions.

I rang my Mum and Dad, who cried out loud with happiness. Once again, they are the only ones who have really shadowed me in my fear – as only parents do.

I rang my sister, who breathed a deep sigh of sisterly relief.

I text all my gorgeous friends and extended family, who sent me all sorts of wonderful replies and love.

I am writing this with mixed feelings of elation, shock, happiness, bewilderment…. What are the pains?  Are they in my mind? Are they anxiety? Who cares! They aren’t cancer.

Once again, I feel like I have been given a second chance at life. I can hold my beautiful girl knowing that I will always be able to hold her. I can comfort her knowing I will always be able to comfort her. I can love her without worrying about loving her too much.

You know what I mean?

Cancer. Bloody cancer. Once again, the reality of how lucky I have been has blown me away. Left me breathless. Left me bereft for all those less lucky.

I apologize for this ramble.  It’s still so raw. I will write again with some funny and happy tales, whilst I sleep well tonight. For the first time in a long time.

Much love, Natalie

A little check-in x

Hi all

Hope you are keeping well.  I have really missed writing my blog so thought I would do a quick check in. As you know, I find it quite therapeutic to write and with only 4 weeks to the big day, I have been feeling a bit emotional and teary. So perhaps getting a chapter out will help me work through it?  Ironically, I have been having some unusual pains over the last couple of weeks and those old niggling doubts have come flooding back. I am very much hoping they are something and nothing. I have had plenty of odd pains over the last 5 years which have come and gone. I also wonder whether the pure weight of the significance of the 5-year mark is playing games with my mind. It could well be. Perhaps I just can't believe I am really going to make it, and my anxiety is coming through in my body. I do believe this happens, especially when I reflect over the last 5 years. I have often tried to work out how many of my post chemotherapy symptoms have been of my own creation? The truth is I would rather I am making them up than they be real and connected to anything more scary.

Anyway, putting that aside, life has been the usual chaotic mix of work, family and friends. Work is really good. Claire and I finally signed our contracts and are now in a formal partnership with another  company. We have a really good chance of making something successful. We often laugh because we both sometimes feel that we are punching well above our weight. We feel like we are playing at being grown-ups. We know what we are good at but we are also taking a big step into the unknown -  trying to build an agency. Neither of us have ever worked in an agency let alone run one. What we do have on our side though is a big dose of bravery and self-belief. Why can't we do it? I can't think of any legitimate reasons to suggest we can't. We have already landed some brilliant clients, that lots of well established businesses would only dream of. So here we go. Vitamin, our retail marketing agency, is at the start of  its own journey.

I have been getting more active in my role as trustee of Cancer Hair Care. I'm sure I have written about CHC before - the most amazing charity full of amazing women, helping ladies, teenagers and children with hair loss during treatment. Quite often, ladies will openly state, that the only part of the treatment they worried about was loosing their hair. When you put that in context of what else they will be going through, it makes for a very powerful statement. Loosing your hair is traumatic, whatever kind of person you are. CHC makes the experience different altogether. It can make it an experience with support, guidance, knowledge and a cup of tea! They rely completely on donations. Jasmin, the founder and I did a fund-raising 'talk' to a number of local businesses recently. The venue was a little odd - it was held in a crematorium. (I wouldn't have been able to even step into a crematorium until recently). The very kind lady that organised it was the owner, and donates regularly to the charity. I always go into these talks so confidently and in full business women mode and then the moment I start talking, the voice starts to wobble. I talk about my own hair loss experience and it is just so personal and still so raw in many ways, that the emotion just bubbles to the surface. Whilst it is quite embarrassing for me, I don't think it is a bad thing that people get to see the real impact this has. Cancer Hair Care recently held a charity evening. A 'soul night' at the beautiful Knebworth House. My friends were out in full support - 19 of us on a minibus. As usual, we had such a giggle. I'm not sure I fulfilled all my 'trustee' duties over the course of the evening as I was having so much fun with the girls. I kicked Paul and Indy out of the house - they were sent for a sleep-over at my Mums. I had 11 girls sleeping over at my house. We might as well have been 14 years of age.

When leaving the mini-bus, I ran as fast as my legs could carry me, to my kitchen. I was in a hurry to grab my newly baked Christmas Cake and hide it out of reach from the girls. The cake made it to my wardrobe before the girls had even got to the front door. You might ask why I would be hiding my cake? Two reasons. One - It is the first cake I have baked in my 42 years of life. I don't know if I have ever really described just how much I wasn't in the queue for any form of domestic goddess genes at all. So many of the things that come quite naturally to most, have just passed me by. (Paul recently showed me where to put fabric conditioner in the washing machine:) So the fact that this cake has even been baked is nothing short of a miracle. (Even if I had a few guiding directions from my business partner Claire). It is with huge pride that it will be placed on the table on Xmas Day. Pauls sister and family are visiting from Ireland  and I want to make it special.  Reason 2. I have no doubt in my mind, that the girls would have found it highly amusing to have abused the cake whilst I passed out in bed shortly after arriving home. My brilliant friend Nancy would have taken great pleasure in finding as many funny ways, including as many rude things as possible, to have photographed the cake with. This is the friend that died my sisters dog pink , whilst I had been entrusted to dog-sit. Say no more!!!!!! Love you Nancy x

I have started practising Bikram Yoga again. I did it a lot on my travels post treatment, and I think it is my fallback when I am feeling a bit wobbly. Our teacher said yesterday as we were finishing the sweaty 90-minute work out, 'don't dwell on the past, don't fantasise about the future, just celebrate and live in the moment.' I have held onto this thought a lot over the last 5 years but was glad to have been reminded of it yesterday. I don't dwell on the past but I am guilty of fantasising about the future. Will I be here? How long for? Indy's Wedding? Will I ever be a Nan? It really is a waste of my own energy because I can't control the answer to these questions any more than any of us can. The best thing we can all do is live in this very moment - the today, and enjoy every minute of it.

So, my ramble is over for now. I have a wonderful, if very busy, December ahead of me. My head and heart is sad for all those who will be going through difficult times in the run up to Xmas. We are all so guilty of taking our family and health for granted - it is all that matters in the end. So, have a great one if you can. I will check in again on the 29th - the big day.

Much love x

Its the final countdown ....

That song has been buzzing around in my head for the last few days. It really is the final countdown. In 94 days time, I will be able to say with some confidence..... I done it. I bloody well survived this mammoth inconvenience. It still takes my breathe away that I even had cancer, let alone that I managed to survive it. Very recently, a gorgeous lady reached out to me who had read my blog. She is at the start of her journey having just finished treatment and she told me said she had read my blog word to word and had found inspiration from it. She been able to relate to every word that I had written. I can't tell you how very happy that made me feel. If this has helped just one lady know that they can get through it, I am happy. And my love goes out to this very beautiful and very strong Mummy and Wife. I know you can do it - one day at a time x

Do you know, I have had 13 000 views of my little blog. thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read my story. I just needed to say that. Thank you so much.

Anyway, last time I wrote, I was about to embark on my dream summer - the whole summer holidays off with my little girl. And what a dream summer I had. It really was a gift. From Spain with the family, to Portugal with the girls, and ending up in Ibiza with Paul, Indy and friends. I am very priviledged to have been in a position to be able to do this and I had a wonderful time.

My working life has been quite extraordinary. I think I mentioned that I had an offer to go and work in Sydney, Australia. It was just so tempting, what with my love of adventure and travel. Quite possible the hardest 'No' I have ever had to give, but on balance, there has been even more exciting possibilities opened up closer to home. And I couldn't have really left my family and friends on the other side of the world. Our little consultancy has gone from strength to strength. Some investors approached us to to buy some equity, allowing us to grow at a quicker pace. So, hot off the press, we will be a fully fledged retail marketing agency from now on in. Claire, my partner, and I are so very excited. We keep pinching ourselves. We had to go and do a proper 'dragons den' style pitch and just yesterday we got the news, that we had an offer. We feel like we are pretending to be 'grown ups' - it is all very adult and business like. We both feel so blessed and are really driven to give it our everything.

Indyana is gorgeous. She finally decided she wanted to learn how to ride a bike. I should think so too at the age of 7 years old! So, in 3 days we had it cracked - she is just so pleased with herself.

Life is just pretty good. Family, friends and health. Thats about all you can ask for really, isn't it. Im conscious that I don't want to bore everyone with my 'back to normal'  life these days. However, I promised I would write until I hit the 5 years so I may just check in from time to time.

Much love to you all, x

Its a special day....

Hi everyone. Hope you are all keeping well and happy. I wanted to check in today as it is a special day for me. 5 years ago today I got 'that' call. The one that changed my life forever. I  don't consider this as my five year remission date as that is marked from the date you finish your treatment, which will be January 2015. But I have made it to 5years from my date of diagnosis, so I think it is pretty special. It could have been so very different. I consider myself so incredibly lucky and am so beyond grateful to be one of those that fell into the right side of 30%. I hear so many sad stories all the time about those that are not so lucky and this serves as a daily reminder to me of how very blessed I have been.

My friend Vicky text me to say I had styled the hell out of each and every one of the 1825 days. This made me smile and I think it is so true in many ways. Sometimes I have felt like I have been just hanging on in there 'faking' my way through the sentence, but mostly I have just been embracing and celebrating every day. As Indy might say it has been one 'epic' journey.

 Life has been good. My business with my partner Claire is going well. We have landed some great work with Unilever, Tesco, British Gas, My Wardrobe.com and more. It is both scary and exciting but most of all it is fun. I am working hard but it is so different when it is for yourself, and we get to choose our hours around our priority - our family. We have had someone show an interest in investing in us to build an agency and as an aside, I had an offer for a job in Sydney. So lets just say, life is very interesting at the moment. Watch this space.....

My sister has just reached her 40th birthday and we have just had a great weekend celebrating. We are going to Vegas together to continue the party in style. The two of us will be jetting off in October for 6 days and I can't wait to show Keely around one of the best cities in the world and have some 121 time with my little sis.

I have the most wonderful summer planned that I could only ever dream of. As I have always worked for companies, I have never been able to take much time off in the school holidays to spend with Indyana. I promised myself that this year would be different. It is my final year of remission and in celebration, I  am taking 4 weeks off. We will go to my mums  in  Spain with Keely and the boys for a week. I love seeing Indy and her cousins together in the mountains. Then I take off to Portugal with my best buddies Keeley (King) and Julie and all the kids for a week. And then finally, we have our family holiday in Ibiza for 2 weeks. I know this is massively extravagant and it will never happen again but.... I simply can't wait. A whole month with my little girl, who is just the best company in the world. My little drama queen is is the throws of growing into a little girl. She is so inquisitive about life at the moment  and just so funny  -  I could literally eat her.

So please have a wonderful summer. Remember what a gift life is and enjoy....

xxxx

Its my birthday!

Hi all

I haven't written for a while. Life has been super busy and fun. It has been Indyanas 7th birthday. We had her party yesterday. For any Mums out there, it was a Disney Frozen Fest. Elsa the Princess entertained and Nanny Pat baked a gorgeous Frozen extravaganza of a cake. Indy had a ball. I know that before we know it, she won't want these little parties so I always go to town soaking up the beauty of these moments.  It is my birthday today. 42years old. I have really mixed emotions today. This week, I lost an old friend, Martin, to cancer. I knew Martin when I lived in LA nearly 20 years ago. He was a good friend and he really was one of those people that everyone loved. It has hit me really hard and bizarrely, I feel more angry with Cancer at the moment, than I have ever felt about it. I also feel a little bit guilty. But I also feel blessed and happy. At times like this, I remember more than ever that life is an amazing gift and you must make the most of every single day. Nothing else matters but love and health. I am delighted to be hitting 42 today. I am lucky enough to be spending the day with Paul and 20 of my gorgeous friends over brunch at Roka, in Canary Wharf. And the sun is out.....

Much love, Natalie x

Has cancer changed me?

I want to write a chapter about how I think cancer has changed me or not. It has definitely changed me but perhaps not as much as I would have expected it to.

I of course, now live every day as though it could be my last. But, that was sort of how I lived my life anyway. Cancer gives you permission to be more frivolous, more carefree, take more risks (as nothing else is ever really a risk again) and to be just a bit braver. Having said that, again, I have always been a bit like this. I suppose it brings out your extremities a little bit more.

Not much scares me anymore. I don't really ever get nervous about things. For example, I would have got nervous about a big presentation I had to give at work or a job interview. When I was at Tesco, I travelled the world, facilitating workshops and presenting and never got nervous for a second. In my new business, I am having speculative new business meetings all the time - I am never nervous. I definitely would have been before. In my mind, in these situations, I am always conscious that no bad outcome can ever be as bad as what I have been through. So I mess up my words - so what? So, I don't get the job - so what? So I get sacked - so what? There is a lot of 'so what?' that goes through my head. This is a good thing in the main but sometimes I wonder if I have lost my edge because of it. Its good to have a natural fear at times, it can make you more driven and perform better. By not caring as much, do you loose your edge? I simply do not have time for all the politics of big corporate organisations anymore. In the past, I would have been as involved in all the game playing as much as any of my colleagues. Now, I can't bear it - I have no place for it in my life. Thats why I left Tesco ultimately.

Not sweating the small stuff - thats probably another change. Sort of?! I am still definitely not laid back in character - that is for certain. Silly little things that annoy everyone still annoy me. Sitting in traffic is a catastrophic waste of life and drives me mad. Waking up to rain still makes me grumpy. Paul and I still argue about taking the bins out. Being thankful for still being alive doesn't turn you in to an angelic character that floats around without a care in the world. But it does change the fundamental way that you contextualise everything. I sometimes want to shake people around me when they are stressing about the small stuff. I know their small stuff is big - it is important. So, I try really hard never to let people see or know what I am thinking. This is life, sometimes small stuff gets in the way and its hard to see your way out of it. But sometimes, I really do want to say - Do you realise how lucky you are! You have your health, a gorgeous family, and love in your life. Saviour it!!!  Stop bloody moaning!!!!

I have always sort of eaten healthily and exercised so this hasn't changed. I don't look after my body any more or less that I used to. In fact if anything, I am less strict on myself. I don't care quite as much if I am a couple of pounds heavier at any given time. At one point in my life, this would have really bothered me. Now, loosing weight has negative connotations for me. It is one of the watch-outs the consultant gave me.

I no longer trust my body. I have spoken about this a bit already. If I have any pains, I think the worse. This doesn't just apply to me, but anyone I love. Indy had a spell recently where she kept feeling sick for a few weeks. Her temperature was normal, she was eating well and had bundles of energy. I found myself googling to find out whether I could have passed cancer to her in the womb when I carried her. I worry disproportionately about anyone being ill or sick.

I am not as driven for material success but.....I can't pretend I still do not want to earn good money and have nice things because I do. I do so that I can have nice experiences and let Indyana have great experiences. I still love shopping! I still love holidays! But ultimately, if I didn't earn good money, I honestly would find different ways of having great life experiences. I could give it all up and live in a tent if I had to. I think my friends will be laughing when they read this bit because I do like my luxuries. But it is true. Money ultimately is nothing without love and health. It make things easier but it doesn't make you happy. Whilst I still have it, I will spend it. When I don't have it, I will be wealthy in love and health. And I know either would be fine for me.

More on this later... Have a great wet weekend - bloody rain!!!!!!!!!!!