Hi all
Hope you are keeping well. I have really missed writing my blog so thought I would do a quick check in. As you know, I find it quite therapeutic to write and with only 4 weeks to the big day, I have been feeling a bit emotional and teary. So perhaps getting a chapter out will help me work through it? Ironically, I have been having some unusual pains over the last couple of weeks and those old niggling doubts have come flooding back. I am very much hoping they are something and nothing. I have had plenty of odd pains over the last 5 years which have come and gone. I also wonder whether the pure weight of the significance of the 5-year mark is playing games with my mind. It could well be. Perhaps I just can't believe I am really going to make it, and my anxiety is coming through in my body. I do believe this happens, especially when I reflect over the last 5 years. I have often tried to work out how many of my post chemotherapy symptoms have been of my own creation? The truth is I would rather I am making them up than they be real and connected to anything more scary.
Anyway, putting that aside, life has been the usual chaotic mix of work, family and friends. Work is really good. Claire and I finally signed our contracts and are now in a formal partnership with another company. We have a really good chance of making something successful. We often laugh because we both sometimes feel that we are punching well above our weight. We feel like we are playing at being grown-ups. We know what we are good at but we are also taking a big step into the unknown - trying to build an agency. Neither of us have ever worked in an agency let alone run one. What we do have on our side though is a big dose of bravery and self-belief. Why can't we do it? I can't think of any legitimate reasons to suggest we can't. We have already landed some brilliant clients, that lots of well established businesses would only dream of. So here we go. Vitamin, our retail marketing agency, is at the start of its own journey.
I have been getting more active in my role as trustee of Cancer Hair Care. I'm sure I have written about CHC before - the most amazing charity full of amazing women, helping ladies, teenagers and children with hair loss during treatment. Quite often, ladies will openly state, that the only part of the treatment they worried about was loosing their hair. When you put that in context of what else they will be going through, it makes for a very powerful statement. Loosing your hair is traumatic, whatever kind of person you are. CHC makes the experience different altogether. It can make it an experience with support, guidance, knowledge and a cup of tea! They rely completely on donations. Jasmin, the founder and I did a fund-raising 'talk' to a number of local businesses recently. The venue was a little odd - it was held in a crematorium. (I wouldn't have been able to even step into a crematorium until recently). The very kind lady that organised it was the owner, and donates regularly to the charity. I always go into these talks so confidently and in full business women mode and then the moment I start talking, the voice starts to wobble. I talk about my own hair loss experience and it is just so personal and still so raw in many ways, that the emotion just bubbles to the surface. Whilst it is quite embarrassing for me, I don't think it is a bad thing that people get to see the real impact this has. Cancer Hair Care recently held a charity evening. A 'soul night' at the beautiful Knebworth House. My friends were out in full support - 19 of us on a minibus. As usual, we had such a giggle. I'm not sure I fulfilled all my 'trustee' duties over the course of the evening as I was having so much fun with the girls. I kicked Paul and Indy out of the house - they were sent for a sleep-over at my Mums. I had 11 girls sleeping over at my house. We might as well have been 14 years of age.
When leaving the mini-bus, I ran as fast as my legs could carry me, to my kitchen. I was in a hurry to grab my newly baked Christmas Cake and hide it out of reach from the girls. The cake made it to my wardrobe before the girls had even got to the front door. You might ask why I would be hiding my cake? Two reasons. One - It is the first cake I have baked in my 42 years of life. I don't know if I have ever really described just how much I wasn't in the queue for any form of domestic goddess genes at all. So many of the things that come quite naturally to most, have just passed me by. (Paul recently showed me where to put fabric conditioner in the washing machine:) So the fact that this cake has even been baked is nothing short of a miracle. (Even if I had a few guiding directions from my business partner Claire). It is with huge pride that it will be placed on the table on Xmas Day. Pauls sister and family are visiting from Ireland and I want to make it special. Reason 2. I have no doubt in my mind, that the girls would have found it highly amusing to have abused the cake whilst I passed out in bed shortly after arriving home. My brilliant friend Nancy would have taken great pleasure in finding as many funny ways, including as many rude things as possible, to have photographed the cake with. This is the friend that died my sisters dog pink , whilst I had been entrusted to dog-sit. Say no more!!!!!! Love you Nancy x
I have started practising Bikram Yoga again. I did it a lot on my travels post treatment, and I think it is my fallback when I am feeling a bit wobbly. Our teacher said yesterday as we were finishing the sweaty 90-minute work out, 'don't dwell on the past, don't fantasise about the future, just celebrate and live in the moment.' I have held onto this thought a lot over the last 5 years but was glad to have been reminded of it yesterday. I don't dwell on the past but I am guilty of fantasising about the future. Will I be here? How long for? Indy's Wedding? Will I ever be a Nan? It really is a waste of my own energy because I can't control the answer to these questions any more than any of us can. The best thing we can all do is live in this very moment - the today, and enjoy every minute of it.
So, my ramble is over for now. I have a wonderful, if very busy, December ahead of me. My head and heart is sad for all those who will be going through difficult times in the run up to Xmas. We are all so guilty of taking our family and health for granted - it is all that matters in the end. So, have a great one if you can. I will check in again on the 29th - the big day.
Much love x
