Chapter 29 - Introducing Indyana Bow Evans

Chapter 29 - Introducing Indyana

So, at the end of the summer 2006, I sadly decided that I should leave Camelot. I needed to get more experience in other companies in order for me to progress further up the career ladder. I left in August 2006. Simon Ward, offered me a position as a marketing consultant to all of his key retail customers. I gained some invaluable experience which just strengthened my CV endlessly. It was exactly the challenge I needed. I worked at Ethel Austin, B&Q, Halfords, Wilkinsons and Sainsburys over the next couple of years and learnt a huge amount. In fact, I was working at Sainsburys when I was diagnosed. I will always be grateful for the support I got from Rebecca Singleton, the Marketing Director there at the time. I barely knew her, and she send me a very lovely card and Jo Malone candle in the post. But more than that, she assured me the project I was working on could be done at my own pace and that I could work whenever I wanted. I continued to work during my treatment. It was my respite from my own mind! Working was my saviour. There are some very lovely people in this world, when times are tough. 

Just back to the summer of 2006. Paul and I, having been together, for 12 years, decided that we were sort of ready to try for a baby. Its fair to say that I have never been the maternal type. Having said that, I have always known that I wanted to have a daughter, oops a child, at some point in my life. My career had dominated for the last 10 years and now felt like the right time. It happened very quickly for us after having made the decision. I woke up one Sunday morning in December and knew instantly that I was pregnant. I don't know why, but I took myself off to Morrisons in Palmers green and did a pregnancy test in their toilets. It was negative? I was so sure I was pregnant, I drove to Asda in Southgate and did another more sophisticated test. Positive!  I drove back home to tell Paul.  There was a builder in our house and Paul was rabbiting away to him for what seemed like hours before he finally left. 

‘Paul, you are going to be a daddy!!!!’ Paul was so overjoyed. He would have started a family a long time before and was really over the moon. It was a fantastic day. My pregnancy was lovely really. I did suffer quite profusely from sickness, but that aside, it was a hugely happy time. Paul and I were so excited. I know this is terrible, but I really wanted a girl. Perhaps I subconsciously knew that I would only ever have 1 child and wanted a daughter. I asked the doctor to guess the sex at 9 weeks. He told me that if he had to guess, he couldn't see any male parts but it was early days. I had the sex confirmed at 13 weeks and again at 20 weeks. 

Keely and I were pregnant at the same time so she helped me with all the basic questions. I didn't attend any NCT groups or read any books. I figured this was something that would be lead by instinct and love. Keely had the gorgeous Cassius 3 weeks before. His cousin, Indyana Bow Evans was born on  30th May 2007 in Hampstead. She was born by caesarian section (of course) and weighed 6.7oz.  I bought her home on my 35th birthday on 1st June. (The same day my dear friends,Julie and Tim were getting hitched in Italy). Paul laughs to this day as I asked him to stop at the shops on the way home. I spotted Petit Bateau and jumped out the car. The caesarian wasn't getting in the way of shopping.

I am so very grateful that the stars lined up and we decided to have Indyana at this time. If I had left it another 2 years, all the treatment would have meant that I would never have been able to have a child. As every mum does, the love I felt for her from the second I was pregnant, let alone, gave birth to her is immeasurable. She is our whole world. 

Chapter 28 - CHECK-UPS? What check-ups?

Chapter 28 Check ups - what check ups?!

So, the plan was to have an internal examination every 3 months for years 1 - 2 and then every 4 months in Year 3 and every 6 months in years 4-5. So that is 15 in total. 

I have been to 3 check-ups. Let me explain. 

So, the first thing I should tell you is this. Given, as you know, my anxiety levels went through the roof whenever I was in that hospital, I psychologically could not cope with the check-ups. From the second I entered back into that hospital, I was transported back to chemo. It was the same ward. Why can’t check-ups be in a different location? Back to the dreaded consultants office where I had only ever heard bad news (with the exception of once!). I was not strong enough mentally. I wasn't prepared to hear any bad news. 

So, on the first appointment, I decided that I didn't want to have an internal examination. I was in and out in a flash and told myself that I had checked in. That was the one I had returned home from Australia to attend. 

What I need to explain next is the ongoing aches, pains and oddities that I have experienced over the last 4 years. I was never prepared for this and no-one ever really told me to expect any ongoing side effects of the treatment. I was warned that I might loose my nerve endings in my fingers or toes. It happened to be my toes and I have had severe cramp ever since. Paul will often see me hopping around the bed in the middle of the night trying to shake it off, even now. 

I have had some little pains and some really big pains over the years. They were always manageable physically but not mentally. The problem is that I no longer trusted my body. Its amazing how much we all take our bodies for granted and ordinarily, we can write of these aches and pains. Of course, now, I scrutinise every last one. I know my body intimately and I can detect every little sign. I hate that I can no longer trust my body at the age of 41 years. 

Of course, each time there was a sustained pain, I went on a downward spiral mentally. At times, I have been utterly convinced that the big C was back. In the first year, it was a massive mental challenge for me. I continued to work but to be honest there were days when I wasn't strong enough to be doing anything. I would be on autopilot performing whilst contending with this dark character that was rearing his ugly face again. And when I got scared again, sometimes it came out in tears, other times in anger but mostly just a real edge. I was just scared and Paul had to deal with it a lot. As each year passed, I have learnt to deal with these pains much better. A pain does not now equal cancer. That is because I have had the pains continuously on and off and I am still here so I can begin to reconcile that there may just be another cause of the pain. 

So, the second time I went for a check up, it was because I had found a lump in the groin area. I had to press really hard to find it but find it I did as I lay scrutinising my body one night. The doctors sent me for a scan but I never went for the results. 

The last time I went for a check-up back up in 2011 was because my pains had got so bad, I was desperate. When I got to the hospital and saw yet another new consultant, I was once again beside myself. He proceeded to tell me that I had post traumatic stress disorder. I proceeded to tell him that if he looked at my records, he would see that the hospital visits gave me the stress and outside of these visits, life was normal. This was true to some extent. I was much calmer at all other times. I then asked him to tell me the statistics of whether I was more likely to be saved from cancer should it return, if I came to regular check-ups. He had no choice but to spell out the truth.  For me, it really was kill or cure. If the cancer returned, the chances of curing me were 0. Therefore, if they detected it, the best they could do is offer more treatment which would give me a short extension on life. I am sorry to be so graphic with this but this is the truth. On this basis, and on balance, the doctor suggested I didn't return for check-ups but was more lead by how I felt generally. He gave me some watch outs (upper back pain, swollen lymph nodes in the neck, nausea etc) . You will often, even now catch me, unconsciously, feeling my neck. 

I had a scan at this appointment - my second scan. Once again, I didn't go for the results. 

One year later, in November 2012, I was sat at my desk in Tesco and I had been experiencing a prolonged run of pain again. I decided to mail my consultant and ask for the results. She sent me back a response saying that the scan had been clear and showed no sign of disease. I had waited a whole year for those results. I was too scared to get them. I sat at my desk and hid my falling tears. Then called Paul and Mum to share the belated good news. 

This is the hard truth about living with cancer - its bloody tough. I am conscious that this chapter is a bit gloomy and I apologise. But it is real. I do want others to know that these pains don't mean it is back. They are part of the journey to recovery. x 

  

Chapter 27 - The post treatment trip

CHAPTER 27 - The post treatment trip

This blog feels like my life has been one big travelling fest. It hasn’t, but clearly, all the big moments in my life have included travel. Why did I book this particular trip? For a host of reasons. Honestly, it was very clear to me that the future was an unknown entity. I had passed the first hurdle but had an incredibly long way to go. There was every chance of it coming back (70% to be precise) and I wanted to create some memories with my family. I also wanted to escape the reality. Get away from that hospital. I also just needed a rest - it had been a long 8 months. And finally, I had a great reason for one major holiday - Paul couldn't challenge this one:)))))

Paul had been running a property maintenance company at the time and he did just give it all up. It wasn't a huge risk as you are always relying on your next job in this game rather than long standing customers. But, he didn't once concern himself with the risks. I suppose he needed this break as much as I. 

Indyana was 2 and 3/4 years. When I say she was a dream child during this trip, I cannot explain how amazing she was. She followed us around different time zones, different cultures, different foods, new people and new hotels like she was born to do it. She slept when she was tired, wasn't ill once, potty trained to perfection up the gold coast of Australia - she just let life take her on this journey. She does remember some of it even today - playing snooker with back-packers in hostels, riding horses on a beach in Thailand, playing with her second cousins (Skye and Madison) at Uncle Erics, meeting new friends and the amazing water park in Dubai. Although of course, I have many a photo like the one with Indy fast asleep in a buggy outside the Opera House in Sydney. I can at least tell her she has been there! I am so proud of my little girl during this trip - she made it even more therapeutic than it was. I have of course created a mini-me now though - Indy will quite often make comment on whether she likes a hotel room and wonders what the airplane food will be like. I do think she is a natural born traveller just like her mum. We recently had a conversation where I explained to her about all my travelling. She advised me that she would definitely be travelling when she grew up and she would be putting Mummy in her suitcase so that I can come along too. (I will be holding her to that). 

So, we visited Dubai, Thailand, Australia and Bali in the first half of the trip. I met up with family and friends that I knew along the way. This time, I got to see my cousin Sue, for the first time in a long time in Australia. It was so nice spending time with her again, and I love that we are now in each others lives, if only on Facebook for the minute! Eric and Rose were again, just wonderful hosts, making Indy feel so welcome. She, Madison and Skye played with all their toys in the drive. It was really nice for Indy because it felt a bit like home. 

I spent time trying to rebuild my strength. I discovered Bikram yoga and joined many a class at each of our stops. I also ran as much as I could - not any great distance but I wanted to reclaim my body. I had handed it over to machines and medicine for 8 months and now it was mine again. On reflection, I felt more well in these 3 months than many of the months and years to come. Perhaps the chemo was still in my body fighting all the bad stuff? 

At the end of May, we had to take a pit stop back in the UK - I had my first post-treatment check up. And it was Indys 3rd birthday. I wanted her to have a party with her friends at home. I will deal with the post-treatment check-ups in a separate chapter. Indys party was lovely. We had it in the garden with all of our friends. It was a lovely opportunity to catch up with everyone. We were home for a week and then headed off to my mums house in Spain for the European leg of our travels. 

It was so good to see Mum and Dad back at their house. They had bought their place in Spain in 2007 and of course, had pretty much left it for 8 months to live with me during all of my treatment so it was nice to see them back in the place they loved. They are always so happy there. They have transformed an old village house into a stunning moroccan themed home. They have such a great eye for design and Dad can build anything he sees in a magazine. The house has 360 views of the mountains and you can’t help but just relax there. We spent a month or so just really chilling. I was keen that Indy continue socialising so I enrolled her in a local nursery for a couple of days per week. She learnt a fair bit of Spanish in her short time there.  

One weekend soon after arriving at Mums, I took off to our beloved Puerto Banus where lots of the girls were meeting me for a much needed girly weekend. I had a new pixie crop hairstyle but still wore my wigs out in the evening. It was still just a tad too short. Given, I have really curly hair, I would never have dreamt of ever having a short style but I actually really liked it as it grew. It was quite striking and more individual than any of the styles I have ever had. It was a very funny couple of days with the girls where we got up to the usual shenanigans. My girls were like a boost of love, well-being and laughter. They have been a constant comfort to me. 

Paul, Indy and I then took off on the second leg of our travels. We drove all the way along the east coast of Spain through to France. Again, we had some amazing times. I remember stopping at all the big cities, Barcelona, Madrid etc but also some stunning little towns off the beaten track further up north. We got to France and stayed at one of our favourite places, in St Tropez. Kon Tiki chalets is a long row of huts on the sea front at Pampelonne beach. It is perfectly located - you can walk to the famous Club 55 and you awake to the sound of the sea. We met with Leaanne, Tanya and families and spent a glorious week with them. Indy and I flew back to Mums and Paul drove the car and met us there. We had one final trip planned, which Mum and Dad joined us for. A drive to Portugal to meet the Kings. Jay and Keeley King. Again, we had a super week with our dear friends. 

So, at this stage, we had been on the road for almost 6 months. I was starting to feel unsettled. I think I knew that I would have to resume normal life (whatever that was) at some point and I turned my thoughts to what this meant. My career is such a large part of what defines me and what I know. And I knew that I needed now to consume myself with work to start feeling a bit more like me again. I send an email to one of my mentors and friends, Simon Ward. I had met Simon when I worked at Camelot and he was MD of one of the print companies we used. He has since gone on to set up a hugely successful marketing services company called Inspired Thinking Group. When I was diagnosed, I received a hand-written letter in the mail from Simon. It was beautiful, honest and motivating. My email let him know that I was ready to work again, and to ask that he consider me should anything come up. His response was ‘how soon can you start?’ I will always be grateful to Simon for his ongoing support during my career but in particular for bringing me back into the real world at this point in my life. 

We had such a special time on our travels. It was our family escape. It was the period of time where I didn't have to deal with the reality of life after cancer and the pains and fears that are weaved into your new world. It was our time and I will cherish these memories for the rest of my life. 

Chapter 26 - More letters from friends x

From my buddy, Keeley King .....x

I was in kitten when I got ya text ....I fell on the stairs in disbelief, tears streaming... Luckily i  was on my own......CANCER!! Not one of my best buddies it couldn't b true!!!!

Then customers came in, all polite, asking me questions about dresses, colours, sizes etc .... Who gives a fxxk I wanted to reply!!! 

Then the reply to u .... How the hell do you reply to one of ya best mates who tells u she's got cancer?????

This is the hardest thing I found during the whole time Hun .... What to say to u???? what to do for the best!!!!  Even a general how r u? How u doing? Was such a bloody stupid question? 

Jay speaking to Paul was always the easy option!!! 

All I wanted to do was give u big fat hug & tell u it will all b ok but I always felt that this wouldn't help!

One thing kept me going was knowing your determination, drive & attitude to kick serious butt!! If anyone could kick cancers butt it's u darling! I truly believe my dad gave up to open the path for u cos he'd had he's years, u certainly haven't !! 

Hun I'm so very very proud of how u have coped with this bloody big inconvenience, the respect I have for u is immense . I couldn't imagine how it was for u but reading ya book has enlightened me. I just wish I read it when u weren't around cos I tried so hard to keep the tears from falling - a few blurred lines were had!! 

Keep being u .......nutty natty you've done a cracking job so far.....  my kids, my hubby & me love ya lots & lots xxxxxxxxx

From my girl, Mireille .....x

The first thing I remember was a phone call when you told me you had abnormal cells following a smear and I honestly thought and voiced 'that's normal, nothing to worry about, another smear and will be done and dusted',  how wrong was I! 

From then you became retracted and insular only wanting to see and communicate with immediate family! Especially when you found out how bad it was. I found it incredibly hard as I wanted to be there for you, hug you and share your pain and emotion but how could I, what could any of us do but love and pray for you and be there when you wanted to scream or shout, but you didn't do that with us ! We are so different in that respect, I am an open book and you can be reserved and guarded when things are not ok in your life. I remember over thinking every text I sent you and deliberating shall I call shall I not! I didn't want you to look at the phone to see me calling and it fill you with dread because you had to go over and over it yet again!  I wanted to make you feel better not worse.  I didn't know whether to tell you about normal stuff going on in my life as it was so irrelevant and all I wanted to do was talk about you but knew you didn't want to so I respected your wishes and resorted to getting information from Keeley who was getting it from Jay via Paul and your mum! When sometimes you did pick up the phone I never knew what to say, I wanted to ask how you were but that was a stupid question! In fact I was quite scared to talk to you! So time went on and you amazed me by carrying on,  even when the news got worse and worse, the seriousness of it completely overwhelming. Going away for weekends, filling all your spare time with family outings! Wow i thought, how is she doing this! Of course I knew it was because of Indy, as a mum too I could understand that you must carry on for her sake! It wasn't an option to let her wake up without her mummy, I would close my eyes and pray fight fight fight ! You and your family were constantly in my thoughts, pretty much hourly and I never prayed so much in my life! 

Every time I saw you I couldn't believe how great you looked, how could this disease be on the inside when you look like that on the outside? Well you kicked the big C's arse! You are one of a kind darling and if anyone could do it you could. That might sound ridiculous but I truly believe your determination played a massive part! I love you so much and I hope your blog helps others ! 

Xxxxxx

CHAPTER 25 - THE GROWING UP YEARS

So, where was I? Paul and I had just moved back from Liverpool to Watford. I think it was about 1997.  

I started working in the marketing department at The National Lottery. My first role was as an administrator but I was very determined to be successful. I was probably the only person in the department that didn't have a degree, but that wasn't going to stop me. I enrolled at Watford college to do a post-graduate diploma in marketing. For 3 years, I went to college every Tuesday and Thursday evening between 6-9pm. And a huge amount of studying and exams to boot. I gave up a fair bit of socialising to work my way through those exams. I also gave up my free time every Wednesday and Saturday nights to work in the newsroom. These were the ‘National Lottery’ draw days and extra hands were needed to man the phones and media calls. I loved it. I had a real hunger for learning and in the end it paid off. I was promoted again and again. over my 9years at Camelot, I  moved my way up to Head of Marketing, leading large teams of people. I had an amazing and very supportive experience at Camelot. It was a really sociable company and we had many a drunken, funny evening out together. I met some lovely people who I am still friends with today (Sarah, Alex, Charlotte x). It also proved to me education is critical but motivation and attitude goes even further. 

Paul joined a company in Watford and was also successful. We bought our first home together in Cromer Road, Watford. It was a lovely, little 2-bedroom Victorian cottage. Paul worked so hard decorating it. It had a real open fire and was incredibly cosy. We were very proud of this little house. A few years later, we moved to our proper grown up house in Palmers Green - 45 Palmerston crescent. Another Victorian beauty. It was a gorgeous house which we lived in for the next 10 years. we relentlessly refurbished every last room until it was a place we were proud of. I have always loved interior design and really enjoyed creating my vision for each of the rooms. A touch of tradition with a twist here and there. When I finally and sadly left Camelot in 2006, I did an interior design course for 6 weeks in Chelsea, just for fun really. 

All the gang still partied hard together. For as long as I can remember, I have had a girly weekend in the sun every year. Without fail. I actually can’t imagine ever giving this up. We have been to Puerto Banus, St Topez, Barcelona, Portugal, Dubai, Vegas, Miami, Cyprus and probably loads more I can’t remember. I tend to be the instigator most years although my like minded friends don’t take much persuasion. I just love long lunches with the rose flowing and good laughter therapy. 

Paul and I love our holidays too. Given my passion for travel, I was always thinking about where we could go next. It has definitely been a lifelong obsession. Any money we have ever had has mainly been spent on holidays and we have been to some lovely places over the years. I drive Paul mad sometimes with my obsession to travel and have been guilty on many an occasion of booking a holiday without telling him. He always loves it when he's there!  

One particular trip stands out for me during Xmas 2002.  I wanted to take Paul to Australia, to show him this wonderful country that I had spent 2 years in. We started in Sydney and moved our way up the beautiful coastline. Once again, we stopped at Uncle Eric and Aunt Rose. They had now moved up to the gold coast, near Surfers Paradise. Again, they were just so welcoming and hospitable. Eric let us use his car and we would go off to all the beautiful beaches alone the coast. It was New Years Eve and we were in the sleepy coastal resort, Noosa. Paul went for a swim and literally didn't get out of the sea for about 3 hours. He came back looking like a shrivelled prune. I thought it was odd but didn't think too much of it. Anyway, that evening, we went for a lovely meal and then a walk along the beach whilst the New Year fireworks went off. It was a lovely evening. I had made it to midnight and was ready for my bed. Paul on the other hand wanted to do another lap of the beach. Weird? 

As we started lap 2, he got down on one sandy knee and proposed. He said some lovely words before I quickly told him to get up! Bless him, he had spent 3 hours in the water that day planning his words. It just wasn't Pauls thing at all but he did make the effort. We went for some champagne and then called home, to tell family and friends the news. We had met in LA 9 Years before and we set the date for December 23rd 2003. We got married in Leez Priory in the heart of Essex, with 70 of our closest family and friends. It was a fabulous venue where the service was held in a tower. Very romantic. I did the speech  in my Vera Wang wedding dress and Paul managed to get through his wedding day without any public speaking! It was a perfect day for us. On December 27th, we departed for our honeymoon to South Africa where we experienced an amazing Safari. Life was plodding along very nicely................

chapter 24 - letters from my friends

Julie x 

This morning I heard Girls Just Wanna Have Fun on the radio and that's what inspired me to start. Natalie and I watched that film so many times when we were kids,  we so wanted to be those dancers and that's where our friendship cemented. We loved dancing, acting and singing although for both of us, the singing is best kept to the confines of the car!

Another thing we share is we are both emotional sorts and would often cry at Lassie, Kids from Fame, the list goes on so when I found out about Natalies's cancer, I was so scared for her and dare I say, scared of Natalie too. But Why? You see I felt our jobs as friends were to take her away from the bad stuff, albeit impossible and show her a bloody good night out. No questions about how are you feeling? What's happening at this stage of your treatment? Because those big brown eyes would fill up and ruin her night and bring it back to her again. So I was scared of making Natalie cry, she had every waking hour to dwell and we, the girls, had to make her laugh and let her escape for a while.

Keeley, Mireille and I had an understanding that whenever we found out how Natalie was, we would keep each informed as we were frightened to bombard her with questions on texts.  Often Jay would call Paul for an update. I can't tell you how many times I composed a text, back button, type, delete, oh Christ I don't know what to write. I even rang her bestie, Tracey, to say I want her to know I'm thinking of her and are you texting everyday and what do I say, Help! What if I keep texting her and she is doing something nice with Paul or Indyana and I jog her mind again. Please know that I didn't stop thinking and worrying about you Natalie. 

Natalie knows me inside out and everything about me. Natalie and Paul were an amazing support to my family and I during a difficult period in our lives. I wished I could have been Natalie's rock but then I think she was completely unselfish and saved me and other friends from her raw emotion and it is only now as I read the blog that I try and understand her diagnosis, treatment and what she actually went through. It's painful to read, particularly Doreen's diary, so I love the funny bits and there are plenty!

So ending my story on a happier note, the Girls, Keeley, Mireille, Rhonda, Sam, Leeanne, Claire etc hit Nikki Beach, Marbella 5 months after Natalie's treatment ended. Natalie's hair was growing and she would usually wear a wig out in the evenings, she had one for every dress! This particular day she had Cheryl in her bag and the vodka had been flowing when she whipped it out and put it on, the party tricks started and she would move it backwards when people spoke to her, whip it off again. Finally, Cheryl ended up in Leeanne's bikini bottoms and it wasn't a tidy bush. Leeanne laid on the sunbed with Cheryl sprouting in every direction, hilarious! Off to the apartment and we all tried every wig on and looked crap in every one of them, proving that The Queen of Style carried them all off to a tee!

So proud of you mate and love ya lots xxx

Jay x

I was having a lovely day at home when I got the call from Natalie. We was waiting and hoping that the test results would just come back and say all clear. I mean this can’t happen to my mate, a sister to me. Then I got the call. I couldn’t believe it. I broke down. Not Natalie, she’s too good for this. she has a future she has a career she has Indy…..

What can I say about Natalie, I love her.  She was my ‘best man’ at our wedding.  We have grown up together, I used to ride my chopper round to her house and hang out when I was a kid. I used to tease her all  the time, especially about her mum, my first crush, I don’t think MILF was invented then!!! probably shouldn’t write this now as I’ll get a clip round the ear from Brian and Doreen next time I see them..J

So many stories I remember, Birthday parties, holidays, nights out, letters/calls from abroad. House parties (especially Brian’s 40^th !!!), sleep overs, walking to school. Walking the girls home from nights out.  Too long to list but great times.

It’s not all sweetness though she makes me so annoyed sometimes. Stubborn as a mule. How Paul puts up with her sometimes is beyond me. The man needs a medal or at least some more boys nights out with me!!!

And now we have kids……the next generation of headaches, all taking after their mothers…which means I’ll end up being a taxi for this lot!  I Can’t wait J

We all go on with our own lives but there is always the thought in the back of my mind how she is. The last 4 years seem to of dragged to me, I mean I just want the 5 years to be up so she can say I did it against all the odds…..F*ck You Cancer! Bring on the next 20 years…..

I’m not very eloquent with words, all I can say is I Love you darling………

Chapter 23 - Results Day

Immediately after my last chemo, I had a scan which would determine whether the treatment had worked initially. This would simply show whether the combined radio and chemo had burnt the tumour away and all the residual cancer that had escaped into my lymphatic system. Scans can only detect cancer cells of a certain mass so it would only be an indicator of success. Ultimately though, if it hadn't worked at this first hurdle, I didn't stand a chance. 

In the run-up to the appointment, I was a complete wreck. I called my macmillan nurse daily explaining that I was too scared to come in. Deep down I was hoping they would say ‘Don’t worry Natalie, I’ve taken a sneaky look at your results and it is all good.’ But of course, they didn’t. they aren't allowed to. 

I can’t really explain how frightened I was on the day. My legs felt like lead when I walked.  I was just so terrified to the core. This was my life we were talking about.  When I arrived at UCH, as usual I was kept waiting well after my appointment time. My anxiety rose until I just broke down. A nurse took me into a private room and helped me breathe through it. Eventually, I got called in to see Mccormack.  I walked the corridor. It felt like the Green Mile. 

I had said to Paul that I would know immediately when I entered the room what the outcome would be. I would be able to tell from the look in her eyes and whether she asked me to sit down immediately. 

‘Hi Natalie - please take a seat.’

Shit.

Then she proceeded to say the words that I wanted to hear. The words that I needed to hear. The best words I have ever heard to this day. 

‘Your scan results are showing no evidence of disease.’  

Again, I broke down in tears. Paul just tightened the hold he already had on my hands. And I saw the relief in his eyes.

‘Does that mean I am in remission?’ My voice was barely audible.

‘Yes, it means you are in remission.’

I couldn't get out of there quick enough. I didn't need any more information at this point. I thanked her for her time and got myself out of that big victorian building quicker than you can even imagine. I picked up my phone.

‘Mum - it worked. I’m in remission.’ My voice was choking and loaded with emotion. 

I then heard her tears and her shouting the news to my Dad. 

‘Come on Paul, lets go for a glass of champagne.’ We stopped at the first bar on Warren Street and sat fairly quietly in reflection and shock. But it was a good silence.

And then I went home to my baby. I wanted to tell her the good news but of course she didn't have a clue. I told her privately in my thoughts. 

Exactly, one day later, I had booked the three of us a break. We sold our car, and bought tickets to Australia via Dubai and Thailand. We were going on an adventure for 6 months. I just wanted to be with my family and soak them up for every minute of every day x

Chapter 22- Liverpool, I thank you

Paul and I casually agreed that whomever got a job first would determine whether we lived in London or Liverpool. Paul walked into his local on his return to the UK and was offered his old job back. So the short but next chapter of my life was determined. After spending a couple of weeks at home, I packed up again to move to Liverpool. I met Paul's family who helped us get everything we needed to set up in our first rented flat together, above a shop, in the heart of Liverpool. Despite having very little, we had a lot. We were very much in love and enjoying living together. Liverpool is a great city with great people. I have three very significant things to be grateful about from Liverpool:

1. My husband.

2. My career.

3. Straight hair.

I still didn't know whether to go to university or what I wanted to do. I did have an inherent ambition to be successful and have a career. I happened upon a temporary job working for a call centre in Aintree. The company was Camelot, The National Lottery. I was selling scratch cards to retailers. It was mind numbing and long days but it was a big open door to a career in head office. I persevered, made an impression and kept a close eye on the internal opportunities that cropped up.

I will never forget the day, I went for a haircut and remember the stylist asking whether I would like my hair blow dried straight or curly. I couldn't believe that straight hair was an option with my mad curls. When I say I felt like a new woman leaving that salon, I mean every word. Paul didn't even recognise me.

After a couple of interviews, I landed my first proper job as a Marketing Assistant for Camelot in
Watford. Ten months after arriving in Liverpool, we were packing up to move south again. Paul was happy to embark on this new adventure. We found a little flat in Watford, close to where Tracey and Steve lived, and unpacked. X

Chapter 21 - The horrible bit

I thought long and hard about whether to include this chapter. I have decided I must as I committed to giving an honest account. I want to describe this because I want other sufferers to know it is normal and part of the process. Although having said that, I also know many cancer patients who were not nearly as scared as I. I admire these very strong people. Unfortunately, I have always been a bit of a scaredy cat! I am sorry in advance if it makes for horrible reading and I'm even more sorry if you are currently experiencing some of these fears. 

Sadly, when you are given a 30% chance of survival, it is beyond difficult to ignore this fact. However determined you are, there is a reality that you may not make it. My new life had and has this as a backdrop to everything else. It is really hard articulating this fear but here goes..

Imagine a nasty old character called death and imagine having to carry this person around with you everyday and look at him in the face everyday. I tried pushing him away but he kept popping back. I used to see him constantly but now I only see him on a rare occasion.

How do you begin to try to come to peace with this reality ? What I mean is, how do you psychologically cope with this data? I never accepted that I could die but somehow, I tried to process this information. And do it in a way, that never allowed it to get the better of me.

I can't pretend I didn't have some very dark thoughts. This ever present character means you cannot control your thoughts. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy teaches you to train your brain so that it behaves in a more structured and logical way. The problem with being diagnosed with Cancer is that whatever path or thought process, you attempt to take your mind down, there is a looming reality at the end. There is no way of escaping the truth. You may just die.

I didn't let this consume my thoughts but I couldn't keep it away all the time either. When it came over me, I felt out of breath with panic and sick with fear.

It came and went in different cycles of intensity. When I was diagnosed and during the spiral of events that lead to my prognosis, I do remember fear but manageable fear. It was manageable because I had a bigger focus. My treatment and my need to get through it. The real fear really started after the treatment. This is when it had either worked or not. I get to live or die and I won't have this confirmed for 5 Years. Please wait patiently.

I don't want to dwell on the dark thoughts but you can imagine the entrants. I planned my funeral. I wore a long white dress. The same I wore to my 40th birthday party. I came down the aisle to 'I've had the time of my life' (Dirty Dancing) and I wrote my farewell speech. I worked out what role each of my family and friends would play in Indyanas life. Tracy had sole responsibility for vetting any future girlfriends Paul may have. I knew that if Tracey liked her, I would too. My sister was to watch out for any real fashion disasters on Indy. And the list went on.

Of course my biggest fear was the fear of leaving my baby without a mum. Of her one day forgetting me. Of her one day getting a new mum. My heart had physical pain when I thought of this. It's all the basic things that ate me up inside. Not being there for her when she needed me.
That was my job.

I worried about leaving Paul as a single dad. I worried about him meeting someone else. I gave him permission to but with all sorts of criteria. (I'm such a control freak).

I studied the physical process of dying - how would it actually happen? That didn't make for great bed time reading.
All the big stuff like this was horrible but sometimes the small stuff was worse.

I remember some of the small things which are part comical, part tragic.

I was genuinely worried I might not make it to see Sex and the City 2 - the movie. I am a huge fan of the series and loved the first film. I genuinely considered writing to the producers to explain my situation and request for the first cuts to be sent to me. I even thought about going to New York to see it when it first came out.

Getting my passport renewed was hard. I kept wondering how many of the 10years I would see.

At some part of the journey, Indy naturally starting to be inquisitive about death and asked me to reassure her that I would never die. This was awful. I didn't want to lie to her but I didn't want to burden my 3 year old. I did just fine replying to her but was crying inside.

Indy always tells me that I'm the best mum in the world and she would cry if I wasn't her mum. She is so sweet and loving. The more she expressed her love, the more my heart would ache. These were some of the hardest moments.

Christmases continue to be a really hard time of year for me. I absolutely love Xmas and now we have Indyana to share them with, they are even more special. The first Xmas was during treatment. I had my last chemotherapy on 28th December 2009 so the dreaded chair loomed. There is something about the time of year that just scared me I wouldn't be here for the next. I watched Indy open her presents with a mix of emotions bubbling inside. I have felt really on edge every Christmas since.

I always coped though. I never once felt depressed. I got out of bed every morning and carried on with my life, albeit with a new companion by my side. How? I vehemently refused to let it win. Simple as that.

I did see a couple of counsellors during the early days but they just didn't work for me. I'm not suggesting they can't help because I know they can, it just wasn't for me. I am quite a force at times. I asked one of the counsellors if they could begin to imagine what it felt like to know you might die and leave your 3year old behind? She replied that she couldn't possibly know but she was there to listen. I suggested I didn't need a stranger to talk to and left. Sadly, they couldn't provide any tricks which would take me away from the reality of the situation. I decided that they couldn't help me. The only person who could help me was myself. So I dug deep and did just that.
When these thoughts and moments surfaced, I was often alone and felt lonely dealing with it. I didn't want to share every last fear with Paul and my family. Partly because I didn't want to burden them and partly because I didn't think they could possibly understand. I should have talked more and encouraged them to talk more about their fears on reflection. It's just my strategy really was to just soldier on. Keep busy and soldier on. Feel the fear and then move on. That's what I did each time. I have had a really busy 4 years! 

Chapter 20 LA part 2

Chapter 20 LA part 2. 

So, I had been asked out on a date by this guy called Tony. One of Paul's friends, although I didn't know Paul at this point. Tony and I went out to the cinema. He was a lovely guy but not for me. I often bumped into him and his group of friends when out and about. They were all from Liverpool and all a bit mad, with the exception of one that was far more reserved and quiet. It was this one that caught my eye. After a few drinks one night, I cheekily told Tony, in complete school girl style, that I liked his mate Paul! 

Well I would like to tell you that this little admission was all Paul needed to pick up the phone straight away but it didn't quite work like that. Paul was shy, laidback to the point of horizontal and perhaps just not that interested! So, I worked on him a little bit more over the course of the coming weeks, a little flirt and a chat here and there, until he couldn't possibly resist anymore. 

Paul had gone to LA to see his friend and next door neighbours from home. Mark, Sandy and Kristen had all moved to LA some years before. Paul had grown up with them and after a bad day at work one day, booked himself a flight. 

Paul eventually asked me out on a date. We took it fairly slowly, although I think I knew from the very early days that Paul was the one. I knew because he was bloody hard work but I persevered. Anyone else and I wouldn't have bothered. Paul often wouldn't call me for days or would make plans and then forget about them. I suppose it was all part of his appeal.  Anyway, after dating for about 4 months, things changed. Paul asked me to spend Xmas day with him (or maybe I told him I would be) but anyway, it 

was a turning point. On this same Xmas day, he told me he had been offered a job in San Francisco and he would be leaving in a couple of days. This move ended up being the place where I would say we really fell in love. I would fly to him most weekends, sometimes on my own, other times with friends. And despite staying in an apartment with his six other workmates, we managed to have some real quality time getting to know each other. We were and are chalk and cheese but it worked. I got lucky as I had come upon a very decent, kind, strong and loving person who I would end up spending the rest of my life with.

I was now working in Pepes Bowling Alley as a waitress. I earned so much money in tips that I could afford to fly back and forth at a whim. It was carefree and happy days.  When Paul retuned from San Fran, I spent most of my time living with him at his shared home in Westchester. 

At the same time as meeting Paul, I met Claire, who was then dating Mark, Paul's good friend from home. Introducing Claire. She and I became very good friends and spent lots of amazing times together in LA. Given she pretty much lived in the house in Westchester too, we were also housemates much of the time. Claire lived in LA for many more years after we left so I didn't see her for a big chunk of life. It makes me happy that she is now in the UK, blissfully married to the lovely Steve with an adorable little girl, Lilliana. We are off skiing together in a couple of weeks. 

I also met Paul's older Sister in LA, Sue. Sue had come out to Paul in LA. She met Mick from Dublin, a really gorgeous fella, who I had already met out and about. I really liked Sue from the off but didn't really get to know her that well in LA. Sue and Mick and their fabulous three boys now live in Dublin. As does, Eddie, Paul's little brother and his kids. Indyana absolutely adores her mad Irish cousins. Between us all, we make sure we get back and forth a few times each year. They mean the absolute world to both Paul and I. 

Anyway, I will tell you more about Paul later but when he decided in the summer that he wanted to go home to his best friends wedding, there was no question of my returning with him, and it was good timing, We had both been away for 2 years and to be honest, I was feeling like my time was up. It was finally time to get in the real world. There was a small matter of getting a career that needed my attention. 

Tickets booked, Paul went to Liverpool and I to London whilst we worked out our next move.......