6 years on.
My mum asked me if I was going to write a blog for my 6 year anniversary? To be honest, I hadn't really thought of it but mum reminded me of the reason I started to write originally - to remind all the lovely ladies currently being diagnosed or treated that there is life after cancer. I think I feel like a bit of a fraud writing now, now that life has resumed to something close to normal. Close. But never quite normal;)
Prepare for a rant. Most random rant.....
So, the last time I wrote was in February. I has just had a major 'wobble.' I had a scan, discovered my fairy god mother in the form of a detective psychologist, and got some results that confirmed I was still 'disease-free' despite having convinced myself 'it' was back. All in a months work for a cancer patient.
So, whats been happening in the last year?
In the main, just life. Wonderful normal, day in day out life. Really wonderful life. I don't want to come across as stupidly grateful, or blissfully happy, because I have as many ups and downs as the next person. But its fair to say that this 6th year of remission, has been about my most stable year since diagnosis. I've worried about normal things and it feels good.
- I changed schools for my gorgeous girl. For lots of reasons, I made the decision to move Indyana to a different school and have spent the last 3 months worrying about whether I done the right thing by her. Fingers crossed I have. Despite missing her old school and trusted group of friends, my little warrior has risen to the challenge and put on her bravest armoury to deal with this. I think she trusts that I have done it for the right reasons despite not really understanding why. I love her so much.
- During this year, Indyana has curiously wanted to know more about Cancer. She vaguely knew about my illness without really understanding it. She was just too young. But this year, she seems to be more aware. I have tried my hardest to strike the right balance. As a mum with advanced cancer, I always have a niggling reservation about what the future holds. I never feel completely OK about telling her I am ok, whilst wanting desperately to reassure her that I was one of the very fortunate, lucky people. Its a dilemma. A very little bit of me wants her to know the truth. That I still don't know 100%, despite it being 6 years on. Should I very gently prepare her? No! So of course, most of the time, I approach the subject with absolute confidence and try my best to tackle the subject in the only way I know how. Indy saw the Macmillan cake bake advert and asked me if she could host an event. Love her. She invited all her local friends and Mums and we raised a few hundred pounds. She was more interested in playing with her friends on the day but was equally proud of the money she raised. Not as proud as me though.
- My business has been going well. Two years in, and we are still going. Strong. We have had another good year. Its been tough but good. We have to win business month in, month out, but with a lot of self-belief, a touch of luck and a a bit of knowledge, we are doing ok. Claire and I are like a married couple. But a couple that have a whole lot of mutual respect and a common goal for life as well as business. Despite its challenges, I really love what I do. I love the thrill of the chase, the reward of winning a new client, and the satisfaction that comes from seeing your work in a major retailer. And I get to drop my little girl to school most days. That is something to be really grateful for.
- My family are well. Mum and Dad and Sis are healthy and happy. I feel so blessed about this. The thing about Cancer is that it does make you acutely aware of mortality. I get panicky about my family and the time we have left together. I can't help it. I try not to dwell on it, and am quite good at quickly moving on from these dark thoughts. But I do this weird thing where its like I'm looking back on my life and I want us to all pause.... pause so that no-one gets old.... or ill... it freaks me out. Its just life. And I feel so very very grateful that I have healthy parents that I love. The best Grandparents ever. Dad is still buying cool trainers that his grandsons also have, and I love him for it. My nephews (London and Dublin) are growing into funny, sensitive, handsome lads and my scouser nieces are simply mental. Brilliantly mental.
My friends continue to mean the world to me. Tra, Kee, Ju, M, Lee, Tan, Sig, Vicky, Rhonda, Claire, Nancy, Joy, Sam and Dawn .... Another year of amazing memories, giggles and love. What would life be without friends? Mine enrich my life daily.
Paul is Paul. I drive him mad daily. We went to Liverpool this weekend to see the family for Xmas. I had a moment . We were shopping in town and stopped for lunch and a drink. Aunty Lollipop was looking after Indy, and we had a rare couple of hours just the two of us. I looked at Paul and remembered the journey we had been through over the last 20 years. We grew up together. Our first home was in Liverpool. In many ways, we have become very different people to the two travellers that fell in love in L.A. but we have made it. We have had our share of challenges but we are us. Us - that would rely on each other to the last. Us that loves each other to the last.
Now, can you put that curtain pole up please Paul;)))
So, of course, I had my obligatory wobble during the year. I had some odd pains in my cervix. Pains that I haven't had before. Unusual ones worry me. So, I called my Mcmillan nurse. The call was so very strange. For me, I needed to be told to calm down, don't worry, its nothing. For her, it was very factual. Given my advanced stage of cancer I wasn't really out of the woods for 9years or so, and on that basis I should be checked. She was 'cautiously optimistic' that it was nothing to worry about.
Those 2 words. Those two words.
You might not recall but when I was diagnosed, Mccormack told me she was 'cautiously optimistic.' For some reason, I felt like they were a time bomb of pretend positivity. The words they had been taught to say when there was no guarantee. I get it. There isn't any guarantee. Stop saying those 2 bloody words.
Anyway, the pains faded and went away. Another blip in the journey. Just a bloody small inconvenience. Part of the aftermath.
So, in the main, its been a nice and ordinary year. Just the way I like it. Life goes on, it resumes normality. I do not have any wise words to impart that others before me haven't. Just cherish every single day. Each one is an absolute gift worth treasuring. Keep learning, keep loving and keep laughing.
I can't wait for Xmas. Its a weird time of year for me since the Big C. Too much pressure about having made it for another year. I was so scared that first Xmas. Watching my 2 year old opening her presents, not knowing... This year, I can't wait. Panto on Xmas Eve, Family on Xmas Day, and stepping aboard my favourite mode of transport Boxing Day - the big bird in the sky.
Have a good one all,
Merry Xmas, much love xx
