A little check-in x

Hi all

Hope you are keeping well.  I have really missed writing my blog so thought I would do a quick check in. As you know, I find it quite therapeutic to write and with only 4 weeks to the big day, I have been feeling a bit emotional and teary. So perhaps getting a chapter out will help me work through it?  Ironically, I have been having some unusual pains over the last couple of weeks and those old niggling doubts have come flooding back. I am very much hoping they are something and nothing. I have had plenty of odd pains over the last 5 years which have come and gone. I also wonder whether the pure weight of the significance of the 5-year mark is playing games with my mind. It could well be. Perhaps I just can't believe I am really going to make it, and my anxiety is coming through in my body. I do believe this happens, especially when I reflect over the last 5 years. I have often tried to work out how many of my post chemotherapy symptoms have been of my own creation? The truth is I would rather I am making them up than they be real and connected to anything more scary.

Anyway, putting that aside, life has been the usual chaotic mix of work, family and friends. Work is really good. Claire and I finally signed our contracts and are now in a formal partnership with another  company. We have a really good chance of making something successful. We often laugh because we both sometimes feel that we are punching well above our weight. We feel like we are playing at being grown-ups. We know what we are good at but we are also taking a big step into the unknown -  trying to build an agency. Neither of us have ever worked in an agency let alone run one. What we do have on our side though is a big dose of bravery and self-belief. Why can't we do it? I can't think of any legitimate reasons to suggest we can't. We have already landed some brilliant clients, that lots of well established businesses would only dream of. So here we go. Vitamin, our retail marketing agency, is at the start of  its own journey.

I have been getting more active in my role as trustee of Cancer Hair Care. I'm sure I have written about CHC before - the most amazing charity full of amazing women, helping ladies, teenagers and children with hair loss during treatment. Quite often, ladies will openly state, that the only part of the treatment they worried about was loosing their hair. When you put that in context of what else they will be going through, it makes for a very powerful statement. Loosing your hair is traumatic, whatever kind of person you are. CHC makes the experience different altogether. It can make it an experience with support, guidance, knowledge and a cup of tea! They rely completely on donations. Jasmin, the founder and I did a fund-raising 'talk' to a number of local businesses recently. The venue was a little odd - it was held in a crematorium. (I wouldn't have been able to even step into a crematorium until recently). The very kind lady that organised it was the owner, and donates regularly to the charity. I always go into these talks so confidently and in full business women mode and then the moment I start talking, the voice starts to wobble. I talk about my own hair loss experience and it is just so personal and still so raw in many ways, that the emotion just bubbles to the surface. Whilst it is quite embarrassing for me, I don't think it is a bad thing that people get to see the real impact this has. Cancer Hair Care recently held a charity evening. A 'soul night' at the beautiful Knebworth House. My friends were out in full support - 19 of us on a minibus. As usual, we had such a giggle. I'm not sure I fulfilled all my 'trustee' duties over the course of the evening as I was having so much fun with the girls. I kicked Paul and Indy out of the house - they were sent for a sleep-over at my Mums. I had 11 girls sleeping over at my house. We might as well have been 14 years of age.

When leaving the mini-bus, I ran as fast as my legs could carry me, to my kitchen. I was in a hurry to grab my newly baked Christmas Cake and hide it out of reach from the girls. The cake made it to my wardrobe before the girls had even got to the front door. You might ask why I would be hiding my cake? Two reasons. One - It is the first cake I have baked in my 42 years of life. I don't know if I have ever really described just how much I wasn't in the queue for any form of domestic goddess genes at all. So many of the things that come quite naturally to most, have just passed me by. (Paul recently showed me where to put fabric conditioner in the washing machine:) So the fact that this cake has even been baked is nothing short of a miracle. (Even if I had a few guiding directions from my business partner Claire). It is with huge pride that it will be placed on the table on Xmas Day. Pauls sister and family are visiting from Ireland  and I want to make it special.  Reason 2. I have no doubt in my mind, that the girls would have found it highly amusing to have abused the cake whilst I passed out in bed shortly after arriving home. My brilliant friend Nancy would have taken great pleasure in finding as many funny ways, including as many rude things as possible, to have photographed the cake with. This is the friend that died my sisters dog pink , whilst I had been entrusted to dog-sit. Say no more!!!!!! Love you Nancy x

I have started practising Bikram Yoga again. I did it a lot on my travels post treatment, and I think it is my fallback when I am feeling a bit wobbly. Our teacher said yesterday as we were finishing the sweaty 90-minute work out, 'don't dwell on the past, don't fantasise about the future, just celebrate and live in the moment.' I have held onto this thought a lot over the last 5 years but was glad to have been reminded of it yesterday. I don't dwell on the past but I am guilty of fantasising about the future. Will I be here? How long for? Indy's Wedding? Will I ever be a Nan? It really is a waste of my own energy because I can't control the answer to these questions any more than any of us can. The best thing we can all do is live in this very moment - the today, and enjoy every minute of it.

So, my ramble is over for now. I have a wonderful, if very busy, December ahead of me. My head and heart is sad for all those who will be going through difficult times in the run up to Xmas. We are all so guilty of taking our family and health for granted - it is all that matters in the end. So, have a great one if you can. I will check in again on the 29th - the big day.

Much love x

Its the final countdown ....

That song has been buzzing around in my head for the last few days. It really is the final countdown. In 94 days time, I will be able to say with some confidence..... I done it. I bloody well survived this mammoth inconvenience. It still takes my breathe away that I even had cancer, let alone that I managed to survive it. Very recently, a gorgeous lady reached out to me who had read my blog. She is at the start of her journey having just finished treatment and she told me said she had read my blog word to word and had found inspiration from it. She been able to relate to every word that I had written. I can't tell you how very happy that made me feel. If this has helped just one lady know that they can get through it, I am happy. And my love goes out to this very beautiful and very strong Mummy and Wife. I know you can do it - one day at a time x

Do you know, I have had 13 000 views of my little blog. thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read my story. I just needed to say that. Thank you so much.

Anyway, last time I wrote, I was about to embark on my dream summer - the whole summer holidays off with my little girl. And what a dream summer I had. It really was a gift. From Spain with the family, to Portugal with the girls, and ending up in Ibiza with Paul, Indy and friends. I am very priviledged to have been in a position to be able to do this and I had a wonderful time.

My working life has been quite extraordinary. I think I mentioned that I had an offer to go and work in Sydney, Australia. It was just so tempting, what with my love of adventure and travel. Quite possible the hardest 'No' I have ever had to give, but on balance, there has been even more exciting possibilities opened up closer to home. And I couldn't have really left my family and friends on the other side of the world. Our little consultancy has gone from strength to strength. Some investors approached us to to buy some equity, allowing us to grow at a quicker pace. So, hot off the press, we will be a fully fledged retail marketing agency from now on in. Claire, my partner, and I are so very excited. We keep pinching ourselves. We had to go and do a proper 'dragons den' style pitch and just yesterday we got the news, that we had an offer. We feel like we are pretending to be 'grown ups' - it is all very adult and business like. We both feel so blessed and are really driven to give it our everything.

Indyana is gorgeous. She finally decided she wanted to learn how to ride a bike. I should think so too at the age of 7 years old! So, in 3 days we had it cracked - she is just so pleased with herself.

Life is just pretty good. Family, friends and health. Thats about all you can ask for really, isn't it. Im conscious that I don't want to bore everyone with my 'back to normal'  life these days. However, I promised I would write until I hit the 5 years so I may just check in from time to time.

Much love to you all, x

Its a special day....

Hi everyone. Hope you are all keeping well and happy. I wanted to check in today as it is a special day for me. 5 years ago today I got 'that' call. The one that changed my life forever. I  don't consider this as my five year remission date as that is marked from the date you finish your treatment, which will be January 2015. But I have made it to 5years from my date of diagnosis, so I think it is pretty special. It could have been so very different. I consider myself so incredibly lucky and am so beyond grateful to be one of those that fell into the right side of 30%. I hear so many sad stories all the time about those that are not so lucky and this serves as a daily reminder to me of how very blessed I have been.

My friend Vicky text me to say I had styled the hell out of each and every one of the 1825 days. This made me smile and I think it is so true in many ways. Sometimes I have felt like I have been just hanging on in there 'faking' my way through the sentence, but mostly I have just been embracing and celebrating every day. As Indy might say it has been one 'epic' journey.

 Life has been good. My business with my partner Claire is going well. We have landed some great work with Unilever, Tesco, British Gas, My Wardrobe.com and more. It is both scary and exciting but most of all it is fun. I am working hard but it is so different when it is for yourself, and we get to choose our hours around our priority - our family. We have had someone show an interest in investing in us to build an agency and as an aside, I had an offer for a job in Sydney. So lets just say, life is very interesting at the moment. Watch this space.....

My sister has just reached her 40th birthday and we have just had a great weekend celebrating. We are going to Vegas together to continue the party in style. The two of us will be jetting off in October for 6 days and I can't wait to show Keely around one of the best cities in the world and have some 121 time with my little sis.

I have the most wonderful summer planned that I could only ever dream of. As I have always worked for companies, I have never been able to take much time off in the school holidays to spend with Indyana. I promised myself that this year would be different. It is my final year of remission and in celebration, I  am taking 4 weeks off. We will go to my mums  in  Spain with Keely and the boys for a week. I love seeing Indy and her cousins together in the mountains. Then I take off to Portugal with my best buddies Keeley (King) and Julie and all the kids for a week. And then finally, we have our family holiday in Ibiza for 2 weeks. I know this is massively extravagant and it will never happen again but.... I simply can't wait. A whole month with my little girl, who is just the best company in the world. My little drama queen is is the throws of growing into a little girl. She is so inquisitive about life at the moment  and just so funny  -  I could literally eat her.

So please have a wonderful summer. Remember what a gift life is and enjoy....

xxxx

Its my birthday!

Hi all

I haven't written for a while. Life has been super busy and fun. It has been Indyanas 7th birthday. We had her party yesterday. For any Mums out there, it was a Disney Frozen Fest. Elsa the Princess entertained and Nanny Pat baked a gorgeous Frozen extravaganza of a cake. Indy had a ball. I know that before we know it, she won't want these little parties so I always go to town soaking up the beauty of these moments.  It is my birthday today. 42years old. I have really mixed emotions today. This week, I lost an old friend, Martin, to cancer. I knew Martin when I lived in LA nearly 20 years ago. He was a good friend and he really was one of those people that everyone loved. It has hit me really hard and bizarrely, I feel more angry with Cancer at the moment, than I have ever felt about it. I also feel a little bit guilty. But I also feel blessed and happy. At times like this, I remember more than ever that life is an amazing gift and you must make the most of every single day. Nothing else matters but love and health. I am delighted to be hitting 42 today. I am lucky enough to be spending the day with Paul and 20 of my gorgeous friends over brunch at Roka, in Canary Wharf. And the sun is out.....

Much love, Natalie x

Has cancer changed me?

I want to write a chapter about how I think cancer has changed me or not. It has definitely changed me but perhaps not as much as I would have expected it to.

I of course, now live every day as though it could be my last. But, that was sort of how I lived my life anyway. Cancer gives you permission to be more frivolous, more carefree, take more risks (as nothing else is ever really a risk again) and to be just a bit braver. Having said that, again, I have always been a bit like this. I suppose it brings out your extremities a little bit more.

Not much scares me anymore. I don't really ever get nervous about things. For example, I would have got nervous about a big presentation I had to give at work or a job interview. When I was at Tesco, I travelled the world, facilitating workshops and presenting and never got nervous for a second. In my new business, I am having speculative new business meetings all the time - I am never nervous. I definitely would have been before. In my mind, in these situations, I am always conscious that no bad outcome can ever be as bad as what I have been through. So I mess up my words - so what? So, I don't get the job - so what? So I get sacked - so what? There is a lot of 'so what?' that goes through my head. This is a good thing in the main but sometimes I wonder if I have lost my edge because of it. Its good to have a natural fear at times, it can make you more driven and perform better. By not caring as much, do you loose your edge? I simply do not have time for all the politics of big corporate organisations anymore. In the past, I would have been as involved in all the game playing as much as any of my colleagues. Now, I can't bear it - I have no place for it in my life. Thats why I left Tesco ultimately.

Not sweating the small stuff - thats probably another change. Sort of?! I am still definitely not laid back in character - that is for certain. Silly little things that annoy everyone still annoy me. Sitting in traffic is a catastrophic waste of life and drives me mad. Waking up to rain still makes me grumpy. Paul and I still argue about taking the bins out. Being thankful for still being alive doesn't turn you in to an angelic character that floats around without a care in the world. But it does change the fundamental way that you contextualise everything. I sometimes want to shake people around me when they are stressing about the small stuff. I know their small stuff is big - it is important. So, I try really hard never to let people see or know what I am thinking. This is life, sometimes small stuff gets in the way and its hard to see your way out of it. But sometimes, I really do want to say - Do you realise how lucky you are! You have your health, a gorgeous family, and love in your life. Saviour it!!!  Stop bloody moaning!!!!

I have always sort of eaten healthily and exercised so this hasn't changed. I don't look after my body any more or less that I used to. In fact if anything, I am less strict on myself. I don't care quite as much if I am a couple of pounds heavier at any given time. At one point in my life, this would have really bothered me. Now, loosing weight has negative connotations for me. It is one of the watch-outs the consultant gave me.

I no longer trust my body. I have spoken about this a bit already. If I have any pains, I think the worse. This doesn't just apply to me, but anyone I love. Indy had a spell recently where she kept feeling sick for a few weeks. Her temperature was normal, she was eating well and had bundles of energy. I found myself googling to find out whether I could have passed cancer to her in the womb when I carried her. I worry disproportionately about anyone being ill or sick.

I am not as driven for material success but.....I can't pretend I still do not want to earn good money and have nice things because I do. I do so that I can have nice experiences and let Indyana have great experiences. I still love shopping! I still love holidays! But ultimately, if I didn't earn good money, I honestly would find different ways of having great life experiences. I could give it all up and live in a tent if I had to. I think my friends will be laughing when they read this bit because I do like my luxuries. But it is true. Money ultimately is nothing without love and health. It make things easier but it doesn't make you happy. Whilst I still have it, I will spend it. When I don't have it, I will be wealthy in love and health. And I know either would be fine for me.

More on this later... Have a great wet weekend - bloody rain!!!!!!!!!!!

chapter 34 - A move to the countryside

Back from our post treatment tour, life resumed some normality. I was working as a consultant in Asda. This meant that I had a flat in Leeds, where they were based and for 9months, I lived from there between 1-2  nights per week. This was sort of crazy given you would think I wouldn't want to be away from Paul and Indy, but it was good for me. I had to throw myself into work and get back to being me. The independent me. We also decided that we wanted to move house. We loved our house and time in Palmers Green but we felt it was time to move on. The house held a lot of cancer related memories for me, and more than that, the choice of schools for Indy was not great. She would soon be starting school and we wanted the best for her. My sister had lived in Buntingford for many years so we knew the area well. I went to view a property in Great Hormead with my mum, a little village just outside Buntingford. A fantastic old house, built in 1560, needing more than just a bit of work. It was definitely a project. But I loved it. It was such a contrast to Palmers Green, tucked away in a tiny village, surrounded by fields and with the most beautiful garden. Without Paul seeing the house, I put an offer on it. (I knew he would love it - if not the work needed on it!) In August 2011, we moved in. I  remember feeling both elated and sad when I moved in. I was still only 2 years since diagnosis and I was fretful that I would never see the house decorated. We have been really happy here. It is so peaceful. I'm never happier than playing on the trampoline with Indy on a lovely summer evening or our teddy bear picnics in the garden. The change of pace was so welcome - just what I needed. And it is so nice being close to my family and Indy close to her cousins. I still miss London but I get to work there so am always in and out. We are slowly renovating. Each room is a major project - rewire, insulation, plaster, decoration etc etc. It is starting to take shape but oddly, it doesn't ever bother me. It feels like home and if we couldn't spend another penny on it, I would still love it. Indy started her new school and is very settled. She is in the same class as her cousin, Cass, and has made some lovely friends. I also started a new job at about the same time, working in the marketing team at Tesco. I stayed there until Janaury of this year. It was a good 2 years. A challenging culture and not one I wanted to stay in long term but a great experience. Working for a company of this size, gave me some brilliant experience. In my last role there, heading up Global Brand, I also got to travel. I visited Thailand, Malaysia, China, Korea, Poland, Slovakia, Czech, Turkey and Hungary. It was on some of these long flights, that I managed to start writing my blog.  I met some really very lovely people on my travels and really enjoyed getting immersed in different cultures. Working abroad allows you a very different perspective on countries that you would not experience as a tourist. Whilst at Tesco, I met a very like minded formidable lady called Claire. We both had a common ambition, to be successful and fulfilled in our careers whilst having a better balance with our families. I thank fate for allowing our paths to cross as we are now partners in business. In January of this year, we started together as Vitamin, a small retail marketing consultancy. This was a fairly risky decision for me, financially, but one I was determined to take. We are 4 months old and have had a great start to the business. I am really optimistic and excited about the future of Vitamin... so watch this space...

mums diary part 2

Hi all

I know my blogs have slowed down a bit. I have just started a business (more on that later) and so life seems to be incredibly busy. My plan is to keep writing and my hope is to finish my blog when I reach my 5 year remission anniversary on December 29th this year. I plan to be somewhere exotic with a large glass of champagne in my hand, raising a toast. So I will keep writing, even if not as often, until then....

I said I wanted to come back to my mums diary and reveal a little more of what it feels like through the eyes of a parent. I said it before  I can't imagine what it must feel like not to be able to help your child, to feel useless. But just by being there, every parent is helping. Sometimes it was really tough. Just like with Paul, I wanted to have hard conversations. Mum stayed with me during the entire period and sometimes tension was high. This is hardly surprising given the circumstances.I know Mum struggled inside but she kept a really brave face for me. She also tried getting some help from a support therapist, but like me, struggled to get much from it. She found her support much closer to home - I know my mum wanted me to thank some of her friends and family. Her 2 brothers John and Jerry to start. My two uncles were always calling and checking in on me and her. Jerry has always been a big part of Keely and I's life. He gave me my first job in his law firm and enabled me to save up the fare to Oz when I went travelling. He is now a wonderful and incredibly generous uncle to our kids who all love him dearly. Mum also wanted to especially thank Mary, Nora, Denise, Linda, Karen, Pat, Ev and Lyn. (I did tell her it wasn't an oscar acceptance speech!)

Extracts....

 - Natalie being very brave but nervous about hair loss - she doesn't know whether to cut it before it happens. So much for her to deal with and nothing any of us can do to help. its so hard, things are starting to take their toll on everyone. All I can do is look after Indy.
 - Natalie went to see someone about eyebrow tattoos in preparation. I can't begin to describe how courageous my daughter is but I can't bear it when she is on the internet searching her chances of survival. Im feeling sad and tired tonight, looking at my daughter struggle. Its not fair.
 - Natalie started her new chemo today. It was hit and miss as her white blood cells were low. Sick all night.
 - Natalie doing well. Got up, was sick, but took Indy out to see Peppa Pig show.
 - I'm feeling light headed - think it is stress?
 - District nurse visiting everyday to inject Natalie to boost her blood count.
 - Indy off school today. It is so nice having her with us for the day. It is Indy getting us through this. Just in case my nosey daughter is reading this, I'm so proud of you and the brave front you put on every day in front of us. I love you so much  - we will get through this.
 - Natalie took Indy to Ice-cream parlour in day, came home, went upstairs and shaved her hair off. She looked great. She played with Indy and her wigs - how brave to shave her hair off.
 - Natalie looks fabulous - wigs look great and Indy has no idea!
 -Natalie sad today. All of her friends went out last night and she wasn't well enough to go.
 - Natalie and I went shopping at Selfridges - more wigs purchased! Paul got in trouble when he said one of them was ginger.
 - Natalie so happy when Indyana is home with her. They went to see Siobhaun today.
 - Natalie and Paul took Indy to UK lapland today.
 - Natalie was on tube today and her wig irritated her so she just took it off. So gutsy.
 - Got new miracle ant-sickness pill - working much better.
 - Natalie took me to see counsellor to help with my lack of sleeping. Tried hypnosis  - really funny!
 - Natalie was due to take Indy to Eurodisney today but the trains were cancelled because of snow. She is so upset - really wanted to take her. I'm ratty today as I can't seem to say anything to make her feel better. Its the first time she is showing how upset she is, feel so sorry for her. She is bloody amazing.
 - Natalies last ever chemo. Doctor gave her the ok to go on holiday in January. She is going away with Jay and Keeley to Cape Verde.

What I would like to say to my Mum now....

Mum, I would never have got through this without you by my side. I know you felt like you didn't know what to say or do. But I always knew that you understood. You are my mum and my pain was your pain. I saw that in your eyes. Just having you there was my security. Its almost like I was a little girl again and your presence was my comfort. You looked after Indyana in a way that no-one else could have. And that was my comfort too. I'm sorry that you had to go through it with me and give up your new life in Spain. And you did this without any question. And you Dad! Thank you for walking in my footsteps, for hugging me when I needed it, for pretending you weren't scared, for putting up with all my emotions, for cooking for me, ironing for me, tidying up for me, for telling me how well I was doing (I needed to hear that) and for being my lovely mum that you always are. I LOVE YOU x

chapter 32 - my 40th

I wanted to write about my 40th for a number of reasons - not least because I was elated to be here to celebrate it. It was about as perfect as any weekend could ever be for me. 

Almost 3 years after diagnosis, and genuinely not believing I would be here to see it in, I reached 40years old on June 1st 2012. I thought it was worth a party of all parties. I decided that there was no better place to hold that party than in my mum and dads house in the mountains in Spain. I spoke to Jay, who I had shared so many parties with and decided we would have a joint celebration at my mums. We really hoped as many people could join us as possible but equally understood it was a pretty big ask. 

I can’t tell you how pleased we were as the numbers grew and grew - all of our very best friends bought a ticket and descended on Casa de Angeles. We all arrived on the Thursday night. Mum and Dad had prepared a very special spanish themed Tapas for us. We all sat outside under the stars eating and drinking. It was a gorgeous meal. I couldn't have been happier with my family and friends all around. Between my mums house and all of our kind neighbours, every couple had a bed of their own -which was fortunate given there isn't a hotel for miles! 

I woke up on my birthday, with a sore head, and joined the gang for breakfast on the the terrace. The sun was shining. We all chilled around the pool, laughing. I was given some beautiful gifts. It was heavenly. in the evening, we had the official party. Mum had invited a few of her friends from the mountains. Two of the neighbours had made a Paella each for the party. Later in the evening, my parents surprised us with a show. They had hired some flamenco dancers who performed on the terrace, and we all had a dance. I danced with Indy and I felt about as happy as I have ever felt. A birthday cake for Jay and I was bought out and I simply took it all in. It was heaven. 

We spent the next day on the local beach, again just laughing and laughing. On the Sunday, we headed off to Nicki Beach in Peurto Banus, one of my favourite haunts for the climax of the weekend. A few podiums and a twisted ankle later, its fair to say - a good weekend was had!

Thank you from my heart to Mum, Dad, Paul, Keely P, Jay and Keeley, Tracy and Steve, Julie and Tim, Merille and Dean, Luke and Vicky, Steve and Claire, Joy and Andrew, Leeanne and GP, Tanya and Mark, Fran and Adam and Nancy for the best weekend of my life. 

And to anyone who is soon to hit the big 40 or 50 or 60 - embrace it, be thankful for it and love it xxx

Chapter 31 - Indy - Early years

 Chapter 31 - Indyana - early years….

Like I said I have never been very maternal but having Indyana in my life has been nothing but pure enrichment. I am still not maternal and getting the balance of being me, a mum and a career woman is still what makes me tick. But only so that I can be a better mum and role model to Indy. After Indy was born, I did stay at home for 4 months, but drove Paul mad in the meantime. The nappy, feed, nappy, sleep routine was a challenge for me. I am very fortunate as I was able to do some consultancy work for a couple of days per week, during the first year, which kept me balanced.

Indy was a very happy little baby. She didn't like sleeping that much (and still doesn’t) but that never altered her good moods all day. It isn't everyones parenting style, but we didn't hugely alter our lifestyle after Indy. She came with us to friends for sleepovers, travelled with me from 10weeks old and didn't have much of a routine. We took her to India when she was 6 months old! She has always been my little sidekick. When I was diagnosed, if it is possible, I loved her even more. I wanted and needed her near me for strength, love and hope. We sort of pay the price for it now as she isn't a fan of her own bed, and firmly believes she belongs in the middle of Paul and I come sleep time. Whilst it drives us mad at times, I don’t really mind deep down. She will grow out of it soon enough. 

She is a quirky little thing. Quite shy at times, but confident with her immediate circle. She is kind, sweet and caring. Her laughter makes me want to burst with happiness. As an only child, her siblings are my nephews - her cousins. In particular, she is thick as thieves with Cass, my sisters youngest boy. They have a complete brother / sister  relationship - fighting when together and longing to be reunited when apart. Cass is her security blanket at school and also the person she will blame for any of her ‘naughty’ moments - ‘Cass made me do it Mummy!’ I wish with all my heart, that her cousins remain her surrogate siblings for all of her life. 

I also just want to take a moment to say thank you to my cousin Penny at this stage. We grew up together as kids, and me, Keely and Penny were in and out of each others pockets all the time. Penny now lives in Birmingham and we have all remained close. When I was diagnosed, I remember vividly, the care Penny showed for me. She always text me after appointments and I know she was very upset at my diagnosis. She has a lovely family and I am also close to her lovely daughter Phoebe, who is an academic star and lovely girl. 

So, Indyana went to nursery when she was 1 years old. She met her buddy, Liliana. 

Lilianas mum, Laura and I became friends. Again, I want to say a thank you to Laura. We were new friends but soon after meeting, I was diagnosed. I know this touched Laura as it was so very close to home. Our daughters were 1 week apart in age. She often met with my mum so that the girls could play together during my treatment. Laura has since moved away but we are still in touch and taking the girls to their first ever pop concert in May - Katy Perry - here we come! 

I don’t believe in having regrets but my one regret in life is not having Indyana a bit sooner. For all sorts of reasons. I don't dwell on the fact that I couldn't give her a sibling as all I care about is being her mummy. And my plan is to be her mummy for a very long time………..

Sorry for a slightly random chapter….I just want to end by saying that there are many women being diagnosed as we speak who will never get the chance to have a beautiful daughter or son and I dedicate this chapter to them, with my heart and love. x 

Chapter 30 - Paul

Chapter 30 - Paul and marriage

Apparently, a man is 6 x more likely to leave a wife with cancer that a wife leaving a man if he was ill. I don't want this chapter to get into a deep rooted analysis of men and women, but that is an interesting fact. Any marriage has its strains and challenges and having cancer is certainly one of those. 

I want to say outright, that this chapter is a tribute to Paul. It is a thank you. It is without question, ‘I love you.’ But equally, in respect to anybody having a tough time with their relationships, I also need to acknowledge the strain cancer puts on all relationships. 

There is absolutely no right way to deal with the emotions of a wife dealing with cancer. And even when you think you are trying hard to get it right one day, a different mood or emotion will mean you have failed. Sometimes I wanted Paul to accept I might die, other days I wanted him to be rock solid. I forced him to talk about a future without me. I was angry and sad some days, and optimistic and strong on others. It was a roller coaster and Paul was sat next to me on the ride, trying to predict how I would react to each turn and dip along the way. 

It didn't make it any easier that Paul, like many other men, is not a natural communicator. He struggles to express his feelings - unless Everton have just won a game;)) That doesn't mean he doesn't express his love, he finds it very easy to tell Indyana and I how much he loves us. He just struggles with any deeper stuff. I am a big communicator on the other hand, and in this respect, Paul and I are chalk and cheese. This has always been a dynamic in our relationship, and in normal circumstances, we just accept it as a difference. When cancer comes into the equation, it puts a spotlight on this difference and magnifies it, in a not so positive way. This was tough at times. Honestly, I felt lonely at points. 

Equally, I can't imagine for one second how very difficult this was for Paul. For all my protestations about wanting to communicate more honestly, I also wanted Paul to be a rock and never falter in his strength. Can you see how difficult this must have been? Paul outwardly, categorically, always believed that I would survive. I know he must have been terrified deep down but he genuinely never showed this. Even when the prognosis went from bad to worse, he held his nerve. He was always so forthright about my getting through it. And I thank him to this day, for if anyone else had shown fear, I’m not sure that I would have been so strong myself. 

During my treatment, Paul had to continue to work. We still had a mortgage to pay and we were both working to maintain our financial commitments. However, Paul was there for every single moment that I needed him by my side. He held my hand at every appointment, for the bad news and the good. He was there after each chemo treatment and with me when I was rushed into hospital each time. He slept on hospital chairs and pull out beds. He was with me as they put the epidural in me for the internal radiotherapy and he was the first face I saw when I came out of the theatre. He was the only face I wanted to see and the only person I wanted at my side at these times. He was and is the person I trust most in the world. The person who knows me the best. He made me feel as safe as I could possibly feel during these times. 

Paul also lost his Dad - the very gorgeous, gentle and kind Geoff during this period of time. And I wasn't able to give him anything, emotionally. He grieved on his own, while trying to support me. His family live in Liverpool and Ireland, so he really was a one-man tower of immense strength. 

I can understand how many relationships do not make it through cancer. Some just can’t hack the new reality and others just have their eyes opened to wanting more from a relationship. I guess it gives many the courage to make sure the marriage they are in is the right one. But if you do make it,  I think it can deepen the bond. And it means you can pretty much deal with anything else from there on in. 

I don’t know what I would have been like if fate had meant it was the other way round. I do know I wouldn't have been able to surpress my fear the way that Paul did. I hope I would have been able to walk next to him at each step of the journey, like he did for me. With patience, love, kindness, cuddles and a force of belief. 

Paul, like Indy, got me through. He is one of the good ones. 

Love you Evo x

Chapter 29 - Introducing Indyana Bow Evans

Chapter 29 - Introducing Indyana

So, at the end of the summer 2006, I sadly decided that I should leave Camelot. I needed to get more experience in other companies in order for me to progress further up the career ladder. I left in August 2006. Simon Ward, offered me a position as a marketing consultant to all of his key retail customers. I gained some invaluable experience which just strengthened my CV endlessly. It was exactly the challenge I needed. I worked at Ethel Austin, B&Q, Halfords, Wilkinsons and Sainsburys over the next couple of years and learnt a huge amount. In fact, I was working at Sainsburys when I was diagnosed. I will always be grateful for the support I got from Rebecca Singleton, the Marketing Director there at the time. I barely knew her, and she send me a very lovely card and Jo Malone candle in the post. But more than that, she assured me the project I was working on could be done at my own pace and that I could work whenever I wanted. I continued to work during my treatment. It was my respite from my own mind! Working was my saviour. There are some very lovely people in this world, when times are tough. 

Just back to the summer of 2006. Paul and I, having been together, for 12 years, decided that we were sort of ready to try for a baby. Its fair to say that I have never been the maternal type. Having said that, I have always known that I wanted to have a daughter, oops a child, at some point in my life. My career had dominated for the last 10 years and now felt like the right time. It happened very quickly for us after having made the decision. I woke up one Sunday morning in December and knew instantly that I was pregnant. I don't know why, but I took myself off to Morrisons in Palmers green and did a pregnancy test in their toilets. It was negative? I was so sure I was pregnant, I drove to Asda in Southgate and did another more sophisticated test. Positive!  I drove back home to tell Paul.  There was a builder in our house and Paul was rabbiting away to him for what seemed like hours before he finally left. 

‘Paul, you are going to be a daddy!!!!’ Paul was so overjoyed. He would have started a family a long time before and was really over the moon. It was a fantastic day. My pregnancy was lovely really. I did suffer quite profusely from sickness, but that aside, it was a hugely happy time. Paul and I were so excited. I know this is terrible, but I really wanted a girl. Perhaps I subconsciously knew that I would only ever have 1 child and wanted a daughter. I asked the doctor to guess the sex at 9 weeks. He told me that if he had to guess, he couldn't see any male parts but it was early days. I had the sex confirmed at 13 weeks and again at 20 weeks. 

Keely and I were pregnant at the same time so she helped me with all the basic questions. I didn't attend any NCT groups or read any books. I figured this was something that would be lead by instinct and love. Keely had the gorgeous Cassius 3 weeks before. His cousin, Indyana Bow Evans was born on  30th May 2007 in Hampstead. She was born by caesarian section (of course) and weighed 6.7oz.  I bought her home on my 35th birthday on 1st June. (The same day my dear friends,Julie and Tim were getting hitched in Italy). Paul laughs to this day as I asked him to stop at the shops on the way home. I spotted Petit Bateau and jumped out the car. The caesarian wasn't getting in the way of shopping.

I am so very grateful that the stars lined up and we decided to have Indyana at this time. If I had left it another 2 years, all the treatment would have meant that I would never have been able to have a child. As every mum does, the love I felt for her from the second I was pregnant, let alone, gave birth to her is immeasurable. She is our whole world. 

Chapter 28 - CHECK-UPS? What check-ups?

Chapter 28 Check ups - what check ups?!

So, the plan was to have an internal examination every 3 months for years 1 - 2 and then every 4 months in Year 3 and every 6 months in years 4-5. So that is 15 in total. 

I have been to 3 check-ups. Let me explain. 

So, the first thing I should tell you is this. Given, as you know, my anxiety levels went through the roof whenever I was in that hospital, I psychologically could not cope with the check-ups. From the second I entered back into that hospital, I was transported back to chemo. It was the same ward. Why can’t check-ups be in a different location? Back to the dreaded consultants office where I had only ever heard bad news (with the exception of once!). I was not strong enough mentally. I wasn't prepared to hear any bad news. 

So, on the first appointment, I decided that I didn't want to have an internal examination. I was in and out in a flash and told myself that I had checked in. That was the one I had returned home from Australia to attend. 

What I need to explain next is the ongoing aches, pains and oddities that I have experienced over the last 4 years. I was never prepared for this and no-one ever really told me to expect any ongoing side effects of the treatment. I was warned that I might loose my nerve endings in my fingers or toes. It happened to be my toes and I have had severe cramp ever since. Paul will often see me hopping around the bed in the middle of the night trying to shake it off, even now. 

I have had some little pains and some really big pains over the years. They were always manageable physically but not mentally. The problem is that I no longer trusted my body. Its amazing how much we all take our bodies for granted and ordinarily, we can write of these aches and pains. Of course, now, I scrutinise every last one. I know my body intimately and I can detect every little sign. I hate that I can no longer trust my body at the age of 41 years. 

Of course, each time there was a sustained pain, I went on a downward spiral mentally. At times, I have been utterly convinced that the big C was back. In the first year, it was a massive mental challenge for me. I continued to work but to be honest there were days when I wasn't strong enough to be doing anything. I would be on autopilot performing whilst contending with this dark character that was rearing his ugly face again. And when I got scared again, sometimes it came out in tears, other times in anger but mostly just a real edge. I was just scared and Paul had to deal with it a lot. As each year passed, I have learnt to deal with these pains much better. A pain does not now equal cancer. That is because I have had the pains continuously on and off and I am still here so I can begin to reconcile that there may just be another cause of the pain. 

So, the second time I went for a check up, it was because I had found a lump in the groin area. I had to press really hard to find it but find it I did as I lay scrutinising my body one night. The doctors sent me for a scan but I never went for the results. 

The last time I went for a check-up back up in 2011 was because my pains had got so bad, I was desperate. When I got to the hospital and saw yet another new consultant, I was once again beside myself. He proceeded to tell me that I had post traumatic stress disorder. I proceeded to tell him that if he looked at my records, he would see that the hospital visits gave me the stress and outside of these visits, life was normal. This was true to some extent. I was much calmer at all other times. I then asked him to tell me the statistics of whether I was more likely to be saved from cancer should it return, if I came to regular check-ups. He had no choice but to spell out the truth.  For me, it really was kill or cure. If the cancer returned, the chances of curing me were 0. Therefore, if they detected it, the best they could do is offer more treatment which would give me a short extension on life. I am sorry to be so graphic with this but this is the truth. On this basis, and on balance, the doctor suggested I didn't return for check-ups but was more lead by how I felt generally. He gave me some watch outs (upper back pain, swollen lymph nodes in the neck, nausea etc) . You will often, even now catch me, unconsciously, feeling my neck. 

I had a scan at this appointment - my second scan. Once again, I didn't go for the results. 

One year later, in November 2012, I was sat at my desk in Tesco and I had been experiencing a prolonged run of pain again. I decided to mail my consultant and ask for the results. She sent me back a response saying that the scan had been clear and showed no sign of disease. I had waited a whole year for those results. I was too scared to get them. I sat at my desk and hid my falling tears. Then called Paul and Mum to share the belated good news. 

This is the hard truth about living with cancer - its bloody tough. I am conscious that this chapter is a bit gloomy and I apologise. But it is real. I do want others to know that these pains don't mean it is back. They are part of the journey to recovery. x 

  

Chapter 27 - The post treatment trip

CHAPTER 27 - The post treatment trip

This blog feels like my life has been one big travelling fest. It hasn’t, but clearly, all the big moments in my life have included travel. Why did I book this particular trip? For a host of reasons. Honestly, it was very clear to me that the future was an unknown entity. I had passed the first hurdle but had an incredibly long way to go. There was every chance of it coming back (70% to be precise) and I wanted to create some memories with my family. I also wanted to escape the reality. Get away from that hospital. I also just needed a rest - it had been a long 8 months. And finally, I had a great reason for one major holiday - Paul couldn't challenge this one:)))))

Paul had been running a property maintenance company at the time and he did just give it all up. It wasn't a huge risk as you are always relying on your next job in this game rather than long standing customers. But, he didn't once concern himself with the risks. I suppose he needed this break as much as I. 

Indyana was 2 and 3/4 years. When I say she was a dream child during this trip, I cannot explain how amazing she was. She followed us around different time zones, different cultures, different foods, new people and new hotels like she was born to do it. She slept when she was tired, wasn't ill once, potty trained to perfection up the gold coast of Australia - she just let life take her on this journey. She does remember some of it even today - playing snooker with back-packers in hostels, riding horses on a beach in Thailand, playing with her second cousins (Skye and Madison) at Uncle Erics, meeting new friends and the amazing water park in Dubai. Although of course, I have many a photo like the one with Indy fast asleep in a buggy outside the Opera House in Sydney. I can at least tell her she has been there! I am so proud of my little girl during this trip - she made it even more therapeutic than it was. I have of course created a mini-me now though - Indy will quite often make comment on whether she likes a hotel room and wonders what the airplane food will be like. I do think she is a natural born traveller just like her mum. We recently had a conversation where I explained to her about all my travelling. She advised me that she would definitely be travelling when she grew up and she would be putting Mummy in her suitcase so that I can come along too. (I will be holding her to that). 

So, we visited Dubai, Thailand, Australia and Bali in the first half of the trip. I met up with family and friends that I knew along the way. This time, I got to see my cousin Sue, for the first time in a long time in Australia. It was so nice spending time with her again, and I love that we are now in each others lives, if only on Facebook for the minute! Eric and Rose were again, just wonderful hosts, making Indy feel so welcome. She, Madison and Skye played with all their toys in the drive. It was really nice for Indy because it felt a bit like home. 

I spent time trying to rebuild my strength. I discovered Bikram yoga and joined many a class at each of our stops. I also ran as much as I could - not any great distance but I wanted to reclaim my body. I had handed it over to machines and medicine for 8 months and now it was mine again. On reflection, I felt more well in these 3 months than many of the months and years to come. Perhaps the chemo was still in my body fighting all the bad stuff? 

At the end of May, we had to take a pit stop back in the UK - I had my first post-treatment check up. And it was Indys 3rd birthday. I wanted her to have a party with her friends at home. I will deal with the post-treatment check-ups in a separate chapter. Indys party was lovely. We had it in the garden with all of our friends. It was a lovely opportunity to catch up with everyone. We were home for a week and then headed off to my mums house in Spain for the European leg of our travels. 

It was so good to see Mum and Dad back at their house. They had bought their place in Spain in 2007 and of course, had pretty much left it for 8 months to live with me during all of my treatment so it was nice to see them back in the place they loved. They are always so happy there. They have transformed an old village house into a stunning moroccan themed home. They have such a great eye for design and Dad can build anything he sees in a magazine. The house has 360 views of the mountains and you can’t help but just relax there. We spent a month or so just really chilling. I was keen that Indy continue socialising so I enrolled her in a local nursery for a couple of days per week. She learnt a fair bit of Spanish in her short time there.  

One weekend soon after arriving at Mums, I took off to our beloved Puerto Banus where lots of the girls were meeting me for a much needed girly weekend. I had a new pixie crop hairstyle but still wore my wigs out in the evening. It was still just a tad too short. Given, I have really curly hair, I would never have dreamt of ever having a short style but I actually really liked it as it grew. It was quite striking and more individual than any of the styles I have ever had. It was a very funny couple of days with the girls where we got up to the usual shenanigans. My girls were like a boost of love, well-being and laughter. They have been a constant comfort to me. 

Paul, Indy and I then took off on the second leg of our travels. We drove all the way along the east coast of Spain through to France. Again, we had some amazing times. I remember stopping at all the big cities, Barcelona, Madrid etc but also some stunning little towns off the beaten track further up north. We got to France and stayed at one of our favourite places, in St Tropez. Kon Tiki chalets is a long row of huts on the sea front at Pampelonne beach. It is perfectly located - you can walk to the famous Club 55 and you awake to the sound of the sea. We met with Leaanne, Tanya and families and spent a glorious week with them. Indy and I flew back to Mums and Paul drove the car and met us there. We had one final trip planned, which Mum and Dad joined us for. A drive to Portugal to meet the Kings. Jay and Keeley King. Again, we had a super week with our dear friends. 

So, at this stage, we had been on the road for almost 6 months. I was starting to feel unsettled. I think I knew that I would have to resume normal life (whatever that was) at some point and I turned my thoughts to what this meant. My career is such a large part of what defines me and what I know. And I knew that I needed now to consume myself with work to start feeling a bit more like me again. I send an email to one of my mentors and friends, Simon Ward. I had met Simon when I worked at Camelot and he was MD of one of the print companies we used. He has since gone on to set up a hugely successful marketing services company called Inspired Thinking Group. When I was diagnosed, I received a hand-written letter in the mail from Simon. It was beautiful, honest and motivating. My email let him know that I was ready to work again, and to ask that he consider me should anything come up. His response was ‘how soon can you start?’ I will always be grateful to Simon for his ongoing support during my career but in particular for bringing me back into the real world at this point in my life. 

We had such a special time on our travels. It was our family escape. It was the period of time where I didn't have to deal with the reality of life after cancer and the pains and fears that are weaved into your new world. It was our time and I will cherish these memories for the rest of my life. 

Chapter 26 - More letters from friends x

From my buddy, Keeley King .....x

I was in kitten when I got ya text ....I fell on the stairs in disbelief, tears streaming... Luckily i  was on my own......CANCER!! Not one of my best buddies it couldn't b true!!!!

Then customers came in, all polite, asking me questions about dresses, colours, sizes etc .... Who gives a fxxk I wanted to reply!!! 

Then the reply to u .... How the hell do you reply to one of ya best mates who tells u she's got cancer?????

This is the hardest thing I found during the whole time Hun .... What to say to u???? what to do for the best!!!!  Even a general how r u? How u doing? Was such a bloody stupid question? 

Jay speaking to Paul was always the easy option!!! 

All I wanted to do was give u big fat hug & tell u it will all b ok but I always felt that this wouldn't help!

One thing kept me going was knowing your determination, drive & attitude to kick serious butt!! If anyone could kick cancers butt it's u darling! I truly believe my dad gave up to open the path for u cos he'd had he's years, u certainly haven't !! 

Hun I'm so very very proud of how u have coped with this bloody big inconvenience, the respect I have for u is immense . I couldn't imagine how it was for u but reading ya book has enlightened me. I just wish I read it when u weren't around cos I tried so hard to keep the tears from falling - a few blurred lines were had!! 

Keep being u .......nutty natty you've done a cracking job so far.....  my kids, my hubby & me love ya lots & lots xxxxxxxxx

From my girl, Mireille .....x

The first thing I remember was a phone call when you told me you had abnormal cells following a smear and I honestly thought and voiced 'that's normal, nothing to worry about, another smear and will be done and dusted',  how wrong was I! 

From then you became retracted and insular only wanting to see and communicate with immediate family! Especially when you found out how bad it was. I found it incredibly hard as I wanted to be there for you, hug you and share your pain and emotion but how could I, what could any of us do but love and pray for you and be there when you wanted to scream or shout, but you didn't do that with us ! We are so different in that respect, I am an open book and you can be reserved and guarded when things are not ok in your life. I remember over thinking every text I sent you and deliberating shall I call shall I not! I didn't want you to look at the phone to see me calling and it fill you with dread because you had to go over and over it yet again!  I wanted to make you feel better not worse.  I didn't know whether to tell you about normal stuff going on in my life as it was so irrelevant and all I wanted to do was talk about you but knew you didn't want to so I respected your wishes and resorted to getting information from Keeley who was getting it from Jay via Paul and your mum! When sometimes you did pick up the phone I never knew what to say, I wanted to ask how you were but that was a stupid question! In fact I was quite scared to talk to you! So time went on and you amazed me by carrying on,  even when the news got worse and worse, the seriousness of it completely overwhelming. Going away for weekends, filling all your spare time with family outings! Wow i thought, how is she doing this! Of course I knew it was because of Indy, as a mum too I could understand that you must carry on for her sake! It wasn't an option to let her wake up without her mummy, I would close my eyes and pray fight fight fight ! You and your family were constantly in my thoughts, pretty much hourly and I never prayed so much in my life! 

Every time I saw you I couldn't believe how great you looked, how could this disease be on the inside when you look like that on the outside? Well you kicked the big C's arse! You are one of a kind darling and if anyone could do it you could. That might sound ridiculous but I truly believe your determination played a massive part! I love you so much and I hope your blog helps others ! 

Xxxxxx

CHAPTER 25 - THE GROWING UP YEARS

So, where was I? Paul and I had just moved back from Liverpool to Watford. I think it was about 1997.  

I started working in the marketing department at The National Lottery. My first role was as an administrator but I was very determined to be successful. I was probably the only person in the department that didn't have a degree, but that wasn't going to stop me. I enrolled at Watford college to do a post-graduate diploma in marketing. For 3 years, I went to college every Tuesday and Thursday evening between 6-9pm. And a huge amount of studying and exams to boot. I gave up a fair bit of socialising to work my way through those exams. I also gave up my free time every Wednesday and Saturday nights to work in the newsroom. These were the ‘National Lottery’ draw days and extra hands were needed to man the phones and media calls. I loved it. I had a real hunger for learning and in the end it paid off. I was promoted again and again. over my 9years at Camelot, I  moved my way up to Head of Marketing, leading large teams of people. I had an amazing and very supportive experience at Camelot. It was a really sociable company and we had many a drunken, funny evening out together. I met some lovely people who I am still friends with today (Sarah, Alex, Charlotte x). It also proved to me education is critical but motivation and attitude goes even further. 

Paul joined a company in Watford and was also successful. We bought our first home together in Cromer Road, Watford. It was a lovely, little 2-bedroom Victorian cottage. Paul worked so hard decorating it. It had a real open fire and was incredibly cosy. We were very proud of this little house. A few years later, we moved to our proper grown up house in Palmers Green - 45 Palmerston crescent. Another Victorian beauty. It was a gorgeous house which we lived in for the next 10 years. we relentlessly refurbished every last room until it was a place we were proud of. I have always loved interior design and really enjoyed creating my vision for each of the rooms. A touch of tradition with a twist here and there. When I finally and sadly left Camelot in 2006, I did an interior design course for 6 weeks in Chelsea, just for fun really. 

All the gang still partied hard together. For as long as I can remember, I have had a girly weekend in the sun every year. Without fail. I actually can’t imagine ever giving this up. We have been to Puerto Banus, St Topez, Barcelona, Portugal, Dubai, Vegas, Miami, Cyprus and probably loads more I can’t remember. I tend to be the instigator most years although my like minded friends don’t take much persuasion. I just love long lunches with the rose flowing and good laughter therapy. 

Paul and I love our holidays too. Given my passion for travel, I was always thinking about where we could go next. It has definitely been a lifelong obsession. Any money we have ever had has mainly been spent on holidays and we have been to some lovely places over the years. I drive Paul mad sometimes with my obsession to travel and have been guilty on many an occasion of booking a holiday without telling him. He always loves it when he's there!  

One particular trip stands out for me during Xmas 2002.  I wanted to take Paul to Australia, to show him this wonderful country that I had spent 2 years in. We started in Sydney and moved our way up the beautiful coastline. Once again, we stopped at Uncle Eric and Aunt Rose. They had now moved up to the gold coast, near Surfers Paradise. Again, they were just so welcoming and hospitable. Eric let us use his car and we would go off to all the beautiful beaches alone the coast. It was New Years Eve and we were in the sleepy coastal resort, Noosa. Paul went for a swim and literally didn't get out of the sea for about 3 hours. He came back looking like a shrivelled prune. I thought it was odd but didn't think too much of it. Anyway, that evening, we went for a lovely meal and then a walk along the beach whilst the New Year fireworks went off. It was a lovely evening. I had made it to midnight and was ready for my bed. Paul on the other hand wanted to do another lap of the beach. Weird? 

As we started lap 2, he got down on one sandy knee and proposed. He said some lovely words before I quickly told him to get up! Bless him, he had spent 3 hours in the water that day planning his words. It just wasn't Pauls thing at all but he did make the effort. We went for some champagne and then called home, to tell family and friends the news. We had met in LA 9 Years before and we set the date for December 23rd 2003. We got married in Leez Priory in the heart of Essex, with 70 of our closest family and friends. It was a fabulous venue where the service was held in a tower. Very romantic. I did the speech  in my Vera Wang wedding dress and Paul managed to get through his wedding day without any public speaking! It was a perfect day for us. On December 27th, we departed for our honeymoon to South Africa where we experienced an amazing Safari. Life was plodding along very nicely................

chapter 24 - letters from my friends

Julie x 

This morning I heard Girls Just Wanna Have Fun on the radio and that's what inspired me to start. Natalie and I watched that film so many times when we were kids,  we so wanted to be those dancers and that's where our friendship cemented. We loved dancing, acting and singing although for both of us, the singing is best kept to the confines of the car!

Another thing we share is we are both emotional sorts and would often cry at Lassie, Kids from Fame, the list goes on so when I found out about Natalies's cancer, I was so scared for her and dare I say, scared of Natalie too. But Why? You see I felt our jobs as friends were to take her away from the bad stuff, albeit impossible and show her a bloody good night out. No questions about how are you feeling? What's happening at this stage of your treatment? Because those big brown eyes would fill up and ruin her night and bring it back to her again. So I was scared of making Natalie cry, she had every waking hour to dwell and we, the girls, had to make her laugh and let her escape for a while.

Keeley, Mireille and I had an understanding that whenever we found out how Natalie was, we would keep each informed as we were frightened to bombard her with questions on texts.  Often Jay would call Paul for an update. I can't tell you how many times I composed a text, back button, type, delete, oh Christ I don't know what to write. I even rang her bestie, Tracey, to say I want her to know I'm thinking of her and are you texting everyday and what do I say, Help! What if I keep texting her and she is doing something nice with Paul or Indyana and I jog her mind again. Please know that I didn't stop thinking and worrying about you Natalie. 

Natalie knows me inside out and everything about me. Natalie and Paul were an amazing support to my family and I during a difficult period in our lives. I wished I could have been Natalie's rock but then I think she was completely unselfish and saved me and other friends from her raw emotion and it is only now as I read the blog that I try and understand her diagnosis, treatment and what she actually went through. It's painful to read, particularly Doreen's diary, so I love the funny bits and there are plenty!

So ending my story on a happier note, the Girls, Keeley, Mireille, Rhonda, Sam, Leeanne, Claire etc hit Nikki Beach, Marbella 5 months after Natalie's treatment ended. Natalie's hair was growing and she would usually wear a wig out in the evenings, she had one for every dress! This particular day she had Cheryl in her bag and the vodka had been flowing when she whipped it out and put it on, the party tricks started and she would move it backwards when people spoke to her, whip it off again. Finally, Cheryl ended up in Leeanne's bikini bottoms and it wasn't a tidy bush. Leeanne laid on the sunbed with Cheryl sprouting in every direction, hilarious! Off to the apartment and we all tried every wig on and looked crap in every one of them, proving that The Queen of Style carried them all off to a tee!

So proud of you mate and love ya lots xxx

Jay x

I was having a lovely day at home when I got the call from Natalie. We was waiting and hoping that the test results would just come back and say all clear. I mean this can’t happen to my mate, a sister to me. Then I got the call. I couldn’t believe it. I broke down. Not Natalie, she’s too good for this. she has a future she has a career she has Indy…..

What can I say about Natalie, I love her.  She was my ‘best man’ at our wedding.  We have grown up together, I used to ride my chopper round to her house and hang out when I was a kid. I used to tease her all  the time, especially about her mum, my first crush, I don’t think MILF was invented then!!! probably shouldn’t write this now as I’ll get a clip round the ear from Brian and Doreen next time I see them..J

So many stories I remember, Birthday parties, holidays, nights out, letters/calls from abroad. House parties (especially Brian’s 40^th !!!), sleep overs, walking to school. Walking the girls home from nights out.  Too long to list but great times.

It’s not all sweetness though she makes me so annoyed sometimes. Stubborn as a mule. How Paul puts up with her sometimes is beyond me. The man needs a medal or at least some more boys nights out with me!!!

And now we have kids……the next generation of headaches, all taking after their mothers…which means I’ll end up being a taxi for this lot!  I Can’t wait J

We all go on with our own lives but there is always the thought in the back of my mind how she is. The last 4 years seem to of dragged to me, I mean I just want the 5 years to be up so she can say I did it against all the odds…..F*ck You Cancer! Bring on the next 20 years…..

I’m not very eloquent with words, all I can say is I Love you darling………

Chapter 23 - Results Day

Immediately after my last chemo, I had a scan which would determine whether the treatment had worked initially. This would simply show whether the combined radio and chemo had burnt the tumour away and all the residual cancer that had escaped into my lymphatic system. Scans can only detect cancer cells of a certain mass so it would only be an indicator of success. Ultimately though, if it hadn't worked at this first hurdle, I didn't stand a chance. 

In the run-up to the appointment, I was a complete wreck. I called my macmillan nurse daily explaining that I was too scared to come in. Deep down I was hoping they would say ‘Don’t worry Natalie, I’ve taken a sneaky look at your results and it is all good.’ But of course, they didn’t. they aren't allowed to. 

I can’t really explain how frightened I was on the day. My legs felt like lead when I walked.  I was just so terrified to the core. This was my life we were talking about.  When I arrived at UCH, as usual I was kept waiting well after my appointment time. My anxiety rose until I just broke down. A nurse took me into a private room and helped me breathe through it. Eventually, I got called in to see Mccormack.  I walked the corridor. It felt like the Green Mile. 

I had said to Paul that I would know immediately when I entered the room what the outcome would be. I would be able to tell from the look in her eyes and whether she asked me to sit down immediately. 

‘Hi Natalie - please take a seat.’

Shit.

Then she proceeded to say the words that I wanted to hear. The words that I needed to hear. The best words I have ever heard to this day. 

‘Your scan results are showing no evidence of disease.’  

Again, I broke down in tears. Paul just tightened the hold he already had on my hands. And I saw the relief in his eyes.

‘Does that mean I am in remission?’ My voice was barely audible.

‘Yes, it means you are in remission.’

I couldn't get out of there quick enough. I didn't need any more information at this point. I thanked her for her time and got myself out of that big victorian building quicker than you can even imagine. I picked up my phone.

‘Mum - it worked. I’m in remission.’ My voice was choking and loaded with emotion. 

I then heard her tears and her shouting the news to my Dad. 

‘Come on Paul, lets go for a glass of champagne.’ We stopped at the first bar on Warren Street and sat fairly quietly in reflection and shock. But it was a good silence.

And then I went home to my baby. I wanted to tell her the good news but of course she didn't have a clue. I told her privately in my thoughts. 

Exactly, one day later, I had booked the three of us a break. We sold our car, and bought tickets to Australia via Dubai and Thailand. We were going on an adventure for 6 months. I just wanted to be with my family and soak them up for every minute of every day x

Chapter 22- Liverpool, I thank you

Paul and I casually agreed that whomever got a job first would determine whether we lived in London or Liverpool. Paul walked into his local on his return to the UK and was offered his old job back. So the short but next chapter of my life was determined. After spending a couple of weeks at home, I packed up again to move to Liverpool. I met Paul's family who helped us get everything we needed to set up in our first rented flat together, above a shop, in the heart of Liverpool. Despite having very little, we had a lot. We were very much in love and enjoying living together. Liverpool is a great city with great people. I have three very significant things to be grateful about from Liverpool:

1. My husband.

2. My career.

3. Straight hair.

I still didn't know whether to go to university or what I wanted to do. I did have an inherent ambition to be successful and have a career. I happened upon a temporary job working for a call centre in Aintree. The company was Camelot, The National Lottery. I was selling scratch cards to retailers. It was mind numbing and long days but it was a big open door to a career in head office. I persevered, made an impression and kept a close eye on the internal opportunities that cropped up.

I will never forget the day, I went for a haircut and remember the stylist asking whether I would like my hair blow dried straight or curly. I couldn't believe that straight hair was an option with my mad curls. When I say I felt like a new woman leaving that salon, I mean every word. Paul didn't even recognise me.

After a couple of interviews, I landed my first proper job as a Marketing Assistant for Camelot in
Watford. Ten months after arriving in Liverpool, we were packing up to move south again. Paul was happy to embark on this new adventure. We found a little flat in Watford, close to where Tracey and Steve lived, and unpacked. X

Chapter 21 - The horrible bit

I thought long and hard about whether to include this chapter. I have decided I must as I committed to giving an honest account. I want to describe this because I want other sufferers to know it is normal and part of the process. Although having said that, I also know many cancer patients who were not nearly as scared as I. I admire these very strong people. Unfortunately, I have always been a bit of a scaredy cat! I am sorry in advance if it makes for horrible reading and I'm even more sorry if you are currently experiencing some of these fears. 

Sadly, when you are given a 30% chance of survival, it is beyond difficult to ignore this fact. However determined you are, there is a reality that you may not make it. My new life had and has this as a backdrop to everything else. It is really hard articulating this fear but here goes..

Imagine a nasty old character called death and imagine having to carry this person around with you everyday and look at him in the face everyday. I tried pushing him away but he kept popping back. I used to see him constantly but now I only see him on a rare occasion.

How do you begin to try to come to peace with this reality ? What I mean is, how do you psychologically cope with this data? I never accepted that I could die but somehow, I tried to process this information. And do it in a way, that never allowed it to get the better of me.

I can't pretend I didn't have some very dark thoughts. This ever present character means you cannot control your thoughts. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy teaches you to train your brain so that it behaves in a more structured and logical way. The problem with being diagnosed with Cancer is that whatever path or thought process, you attempt to take your mind down, there is a looming reality at the end. There is no way of escaping the truth. You may just die.

I didn't let this consume my thoughts but I couldn't keep it away all the time either. When it came over me, I felt out of breath with panic and sick with fear.

It came and went in different cycles of intensity. When I was diagnosed and during the spiral of events that lead to my prognosis, I do remember fear but manageable fear. It was manageable because I had a bigger focus. My treatment and my need to get through it. The real fear really started after the treatment. This is when it had either worked or not. I get to live or die and I won't have this confirmed for 5 Years. Please wait patiently.

I don't want to dwell on the dark thoughts but you can imagine the entrants. I planned my funeral. I wore a long white dress. The same I wore to my 40th birthday party. I came down the aisle to 'I've had the time of my life' (Dirty Dancing) and I wrote my farewell speech. I worked out what role each of my family and friends would play in Indyanas life. Tracy had sole responsibility for vetting any future girlfriends Paul may have. I knew that if Tracey liked her, I would too. My sister was to watch out for any real fashion disasters on Indy. And the list went on.

Of course my biggest fear was the fear of leaving my baby without a mum. Of her one day forgetting me. Of her one day getting a new mum. My heart had physical pain when I thought of this. It's all the basic things that ate me up inside. Not being there for her when she needed me.
That was my job.

I worried about leaving Paul as a single dad. I worried about him meeting someone else. I gave him permission to but with all sorts of criteria. (I'm such a control freak).

I studied the physical process of dying - how would it actually happen? That didn't make for great bed time reading.
All the big stuff like this was horrible but sometimes the small stuff was worse.

I remember some of the small things which are part comical, part tragic.

I was genuinely worried I might not make it to see Sex and the City 2 - the movie. I am a huge fan of the series and loved the first film. I genuinely considered writing to the producers to explain my situation and request for the first cuts to be sent to me. I even thought about going to New York to see it when it first came out.

Getting my passport renewed was hard. I kept wondering how many of the 10years I would see.

At some part of the journey, Indy naturally starting to be inquisitive about death and asked me to reassure her that I would never die. This was awful. I didn't want to lie to her but I didn't want to burden my 3 year old. I did just fine replying to her but was crying inside.

Indy always tells me that I'm the best mum in the world and she would cry if I wasn't her mum. She is so sweet and loving. The more she expressed her love, the more my heart would ache. These were some of the hardest moments.

Christmases continue to be a really hard time of year for me. I absolutely love Xmas and now we have Indyana to share them with, they are even more special. The first Xmas was during treatment. I had my last chemotherapy on 28th December 2009 so the dreaded chair loomed. There is something about the time of year that just scared me I wouldn't be here for the next. I watched Indy open her presents with a mix of emotions bubbling inside. I have felt really on edge every Christmas since.

I always coped though. I never once felt depressed. I got out of bed every morning and carried on with my life, albeit with a new companion by my side. How? I vehemently refused to let it win. Simple as that.

I did see a couple of counsellors during the early days but they just didn't work for me. I'm not suggesting they can't help because I know they can, it just wasn't for me. I am quite a force at times. I asked one of the counsellors if they could begin to imagine what it felt like to know you might die and leave your 3year old behind? She replied that she couldn't possibly know but she was there to listen. I suggested I didn't need a stranger to talk to and left. Sadly, they couldn't provide any tricks which would take me away from the reality of the situation. I decided that they couldn't help me. The only person who could help me was myself. So I dug deep and did just that.
When these thoughts and moments surfaced, I was often alone and felt lonely dealing with it. I didn't want to share every last fear with Paul and my family. Partly because I didn't want to burden them and partly because I didn't think they could possibly understand. I should have talked more and encouraged them to talk more about their fears on reflection. It's just my strategy really was to just soldier on. Keep busy and soldier on. Feel the fear and then move on. That's what I did each time. I have had a really busy 4 years!