I want to write a chapter about how I think cancer has changed me or not. It has definitely changed me but perhaps not as much as I would have expected it to.
I of course, now live every day as though it could be my last. But, that was sort of how I lived my life anyway. Cancer gives you permission to be more frivolous, more carefree, take more risks (as nothing else is ever really a risk again) and to be just a bit braver. Having said that, again, I have always been a bit like this. I suppose it brings out your extremities a little bit more.
Not much scares me anymore. I don't really ever get nervous about things. For example, I would have got nervous about a big presentation I had to give at work or a job interview. When I was at Tesco, I travelled the world, facilitating workshops and presenting and never got nervous for a second. In my new business, I am having speculative new business meetings all the time - I am never nervous. I definitely would have been before. In my mind, in these situations, I am always conscious that no bad outcome can ever be as bad as what I have been through. So I mess up my words - so what? So, I don't get the job - so what? So I get sacked - so what? There is a lot of 'so what?' that goes through my head. This is a good thing in the main but sometimes I wonder if I have lost my edge because of it. Its good to have a natural fear at times, it can make you more driven and perform better. By not caring as much, do you loose your edge? I simply do not have time for all the politics of big corporate organisations anymore. In the past, I would have been as involved in all the game playing as much as any of my colleagues. Now, I can't bear it - I have no place for it in my life. Thats why I left Tesco ultimately.
Not sweating the small stuff - thats probably another change. Sort of?! I am still definitely not laid back in character - that is for certain. Silly little things that annoy everyone still annoy me. Sitting in traffic is a catastrophic waste of life and drives me mad. Waking up to rain still makes me grumpy. Paul and I still argue about taking the bins out. Being thankful for still being alive doesn't turn you in to an angelic character that floats around without a care in the world. But it does change the fundamental way that you contextualise everything. I sometimes want to shake people around me when they are stressing about the small stuff. I know their small stuff is big - it is important. So, I try really hard never to let people see or know what I am thinking. This is life, sometimes small stuff gets in the way and its hard to see your way out of it. But sometimes, I really do want to say - Do you realise how lucky you are! You have your health, a gorgeous family, and love in your life. Saviour it!!! Stop bloody moaning!!!!
I have always sort of eaten healthily and exercised so this hasn't changed. I don't look after my body any more or less that I used to. In fact if anything, I am less strict on myself. I don't care quite as much if I am a couple of pounds heavier at any given time. At one point in my life, this would have really bothered me. Now, loosing weight has negative connotations for me. It is one of the watch-outs the consultant gave me.
I no longer trust my body. I have spoken about this a bit already. If I have any pains, I think the worse. This doesn't just apply to me, but anyone I love. Indy had a spell recently where she kept feeling sick for a few weeks. Her temperature was normal, she was eating well and had bundles of energy. I found myself googling to find out whether I could have passed cancer to her in the womb when I carried her. I worry disproportionately about anyone being ill or sick.
I am not as driven for material success but.....I can't pretend I still do not want to earn good money and have nice things because I do. I do so that I can have nice experiences and let Indyana have great experiences. I still love shopping! I still love holidays! But ultimately, if I didn't earn good money, I honestly would find different ways of having great life experiences. I could give it all up and live in a tent if I had to. I think my friends will be laughing when they read this bit because I do like my luxuries. But it is true. Money ultimately is nothing without love and health. It make things easier but it doesn't make you happy. Whilst I still have it, I will spend it. When I don't have it, I will be wealthy in love and health. And I know either would be fine for me.
More on this later... Have a great wet weekend - bloody rain!!!!!!!!!!!
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