mums diary part 2

Hi all

I know my blogs have slowed down a bit. I have just started a business (more on that later) and so life seems to be incredibly busy. My plan is to keep writing and my hope is to finish my blog when I reach my 5 year remission anniversary on December 29th this year. I plan to be somewhere exotic with a large glass of champagne in my hand, raising a toast. So I will keep writing, even if not as often, until then....

I said I wanted to come back to my mums diary and reveal a little more of what it feels like through the eyes of a parent. I said it before  I can't imagine what it must feel like not to be able to help your child, to feel useless. But just by being there, every parent is helping. Sometimes it was really tough. Just like with Paul, I wanted to have hard conversations. Mum stayed with me during the entire period and sometimes tension was high. This is hardly surprising given the circumstances.I know Mum struggled inside but she kept a really brave face for me. She also tried getting some help from a support therapist, but like me, struggled to get much from it. She found her support much closer to home - I know my mum wanted me to thank some of her friends and family. Her 2 brothers John and Jerry to start. My two uncles were always calling and checking in on me and her. Jerry has always been a big part of Keely and I's life. He gave me my first job in his law firm and enabled me to save up the fare to Oz when I went travelling. He is now a wonderful and incredibly generous uncle to our kids who all love him dearly. Mum also wanted to especially thank Mary, Nora, Denise, Linda, Karen, Pat, Ev and Lyn. (I did tell her it wasn't an oscar acceptance speech!)

Extracts....

 - Natalie being very brave but nervous about hair loss - she doesn't know whether to cut it before it happens. So much for her to deal with and nothing any of us can do to help. its so hard, things are starting to take their toll on everyone. All I can do is look after Indy.
 - Natalie went to see someone about eyebrow tattoos in preparation. I can't begin to describe how courageous my daughter is but I can't bear it when she is on the internet searching her chances of survival. Im feeling sad and tired tonight, looking at my daughter struggle. Its not fair.
 - Natalie started her new chemo today. It was hit and miss as her white blood cells were low. Sick all night.
 - Natalie doing well. Got up, was sick, but took Indy out to see Peppa Pig show.
 - I'm feeling light headed - think it is stress?
 - District nurse visiting everyday to inject Natalie to boost her blood count.
 - Indy off school today. It is so nice having her with us for the day. It is Indy getting us through this. Just in case my nosey daughter is reading this, I'm so proud of you and the brave front you put on every day in front of us. I love you so much  - we will get through this.
 - Natalie took Indy to Ice-cream parlour in day, came home, went upstairs and shaved her hair off. She looked great. She played with Indy and her wigs - how brave to shave her hair off.
 - Natalie looks fabulous - wigs look great and Indy has no idea!
 -Natalie sad today. All of her friends went out last night and she wasn't well enough to go.
 - Natalie and I went shopping at Selfridges - more wigs purchased! Paul got in trouble when he said one of them was ginger.
 - Natalie so happy when Indyana is home with her. They went to see Siobhaun today.
 - Natalie and Paul took Indy to UK lapland today.
 - Natalie was on tube today and her wig irritated her so she just took it off. So gutsy.
 - Got new miracle ant-sickness pill - working much better.
 - Natalie took me to see counsellor to help with my lack of sleeping. Tried hypnosis  - really funny!
 - Natalie was due to take Indy to Eurodisney today but the trains were cancelled because of snow. She is so upset - really wanted to take her. I'm ratty today as I can't seem to say anything to make her feel better. Its the first time she is showing how upset she is, feel so sorry for her. She is bloody amazing.
 - Natalies last ever chemo. Doctor gave her the ok to go on holiday in January. She is going away with Jay and Keeley to Cape Verde.

What I would like to say to my Mum now....

Mum, I would never have got through this without you by my side. I know you felt like you didn't know what to say or do. But I always knew that you understood. You are my mum and my pain was your pain. I saw that in your eyes. Just having you there was my security. Its almost like I was a little girl again and your presence was my comfort. You looked after Indyana in a way that no-one else could have. And that was my comfort too. I'm sorry that you had to go through it with me and give up your new life in Spain. And you did this without any question. And you Dad! Thank you for walking in my footsteps, for hugging me when I needed it, for pretending you weren't scared, for putting up with all my emotions, for cooking for me, ironing for me, tidying up for me, for telling me how well I was doing (I needed to hear that) and for being my lovely mum that you always are. I LOVE YOU x