Chapter 30 - Paul

Chapter 30 - Paul and marriage

Apparently, a man is 6 x more likely to leave a wife with cancer that a wife leaving a man if he was ill. I don't want this chapter to get into a deep rooted analysis of men and women, but that is an interesting fact. Any marriage has its strains and challenges and having cancer is certainly one of those. 

I want to say outright, that this chapter is a tribute to Paul. It is a thank you. It is without question, ‘I love you.’ But equally, in respect to anybody having a tough time with their relationships, I also need to acknowledge the strain cancer puts on all relationships. 

There is absolutely no right way to deal with the emotions of a wife dealing with cancer. And even when you think you are trying hard to get it right one day, a different mood or emotion will mean you have failed. Sometimes I wanted Paul to accept I might die, other days I wanted him to be rock solid. I forced him to talk about a future without me. I was angry and sad some days, and optimistic and strong on others. It was a roller coaster and Paul was sat next to me on the ride, trying to predict how I would react to each turn and dip along the way. 

It didn't make it any easier that Paul, like many other men, is not a natural communicator. He struggles to express his feelings - unless Everton have just won a game;)) That doesn't mean he doesn't express his love, he finds it very easy to tell Indyana and I how much he loves us. He just struggles with any deeper stuff. I am a big communicator on the other hand, and in this respect, Paul and I are chalk and cheese. This has always been a dynamic in our relationship, and in normal circumstances, we just accept it as a difference. When cancer comes into the equation, it puts a spotlight on this difference and magnifies it, in a not so positive way. This was tough at times. Honestly, I felt lonely at points. 

Equally, I can't imagine for one second how very difficult this was for Paul. For all my protestations about wanting to communicate more honestly, I also wanted Paul to be a rock and never falter in his strength. Can you see how difficult this must have been? Paul outwardly, categorically, always believed that I would survive. I know he must have been terrified deep down but he genuinely never showed this. Even when the prognosis went from bad to worse, he held his nerve. He was always so forthright about my getting through it. And I thank him to this day, for if anyone else had shown fear, I’m not sure that I would have been so strong myself. 

During my treatment, Paul had to continue to work. We still had a mortgage to pay and we were both working to maintain our financial commitments. However, Paul was there for every single moment that I needed him by my side. He held my hand at every appointment, for the bad news and the good. He was there after each chemo treatment and with me when I was rushed into hospital each time. He slept on hospital chairs and pull out beds. He was with me as they put the epidural in me for the internal radiotherapy and he was the first face I saw when I came out of the theatre. He was the only face I wanted to see and the only person I wanted at my side at these times. He was and is the person I trust most in the world. The person who knows me the best. He made me feel as safe as I could possibly feel during these times. 

Paul also lost his Dad - the very gorgeous, gentle and kind Geoff during this period of time. And I wasn't able to give him anything, emotionally. He grieved on his own, while trying to support me. His family live in Liverpool and Ireland, so he really was a one-man tower of immense strength. 

I can understand how many relationships do not make it through cancer. Some just can’t hack the new reality and others just have their eyes opened to wanting more from a relationship. I guess it gives many the courage to make sure the marriage they are in is the right one. But if you do make it,  I think it can deepen the bond. And it means you can pretty much deal with anything else from there on in. 

I don’t know what I would have been like if fate had meant it was the other way round. I do know I wouldn't have been able to surpress my fear the way that Paul did. I hope I would have been able to walk next to him at each step of the journey, like he did for me. With patience, love, kindness, cuddles and a force of belief. 

Paul, like Indy, got me through. He is one of the good ones. 

Love you Evo x