Chapter 5 - The text

Dear Girls. Sadly, today I was diagnosed with Cervical Cancer. Will be in touch x

How could I sugar coat it? 

I remember I got a text off someone asking 'is this a joke!' If only it was. 

Chapter 4 - My Sister

We haven't yet met my sister, Keely. 2years and 1 month younger than me. We had a very typical relationship growing up. We were and are polar opposites. As children, this was evident. Me, the dancer, the actress. Keely- couldn't think of anything worse, especially when Miss McDowell, the Scottish dance teacher announced excitedly, ' Oh Ay- are you Natalie's sister?!'
Keely observed my mum and I's turbulent relationship wisely and played more safe than me growing up. She had a mop of curly blonde hair and won a baby beauty contest. I got Arsenal, the cat to console me. Keely who never wanted to act, never wanted to travel and was very happy with 1 or 2 good friends. She met her husband, Nick when 17years old and they have been together ever since. We fought a lot. I always taking the moral high ground. But we looked out for each other. We shared a bedroom for some years and she would let me twiddle her hair whilst sucking my thumb. I still do when I'm extra tired. I used to have a recurring nightmare about someone taking my sister in Pymmes Park, whilst I was looking after her. I remember waking up terrified and feeling very relieved when I realised it was a dream. We roller skated together and BMXd together and did normal sister stuff. I remember feeling genuinely hard done by when she moved into my bigger bedroom after I had been in Australia for 1 year. Keely has always worked, helping others. Sometimes children who had a tough upbringing and now adults with learning difficulties. She has always been really good at it and builds really great relationships with any of her clients. My sister doesn't stop talking. I mean, really doesn't stop talking. When you call Keely, you absolutely know the phone will be engaged. It's a proper bonus if it isn't. She hid her phone bills for years. And she knows everyone in the village. If we go for a coffee, we always end up getting chatting to someone else. We are so different like that. And now she has 3 chatting boys! She had Isaac her first son, when she was 26years old. Handsome boy number 1. Outgoing, popular with the boys and girls, sporty, head boy- she must be super proud of him. I love being an Aunty to Isaac.

Paul and I would take him on day trips all the time. I remember taking him to one of the big wildlife parks in Somerset and having a sleepover when he was 2years old. I remember him commenting on the beautiful sunset , at his age! I started getting closer to my sister when Isaac was born. As I said, we are so different. I love to party, long girls weekends away,career, travel and wine! Keely, teetotal, has always wanted to be a mum and pretty much dedicated her adult life to being a great one at that. I remember loving Isaac before I had even met him. I was living in Watford when he was born and I remember waiting nervously for the call all through the night. I think Isaac gave my sister and I a bond, a gorgeous little blue eyed blond boy. Next came Noah, 3 years on. Another cutie. So different to Isaac. Isaac was chilled, a little day dreamer. Noah was walking at 9 months and much more feisty. He is a cracking little lad. So affectionate, a fab footballer and funny as you like. Finally, along came Cass, 4 years later. The boy of all boys. Give hum a hammer and a sword, and then run! I remember discovering I was pregnant, soon after Keely fell with Cass. I announced to Keely and Nick, your boys are going to have a little cousin. They both looked very confused. Natalie - pregnant!? It was great being pregnant at the same time as my sister. I certainly didn't need any books to tell me what to expect or do. I had my very own personal tour guide, and boy,did I need it! Indyana and Cass were born 3 weeks apart. Sadly, this means I have never really had the same 121 relationship that I had with Isaac and Noah, but Indy and Cass are thick as thieves. More on their funny little relationship later. 

Chapter 3 - doom day

I remember this day very clearly, surprisingly. I did actually sleep the night before, after the call. I think it was my body preparing me for the road ahead. I remember somehow Paul and I getting to the hospital in a bit of a trance, my legs felt like lead. When I arrived, I remember accosting the receptionist. I was ranting about how I had been asked to come in and asking, 'what did that mean?'

Did she know of any others who had been asked to come in that didn't have cancer? Were there any other possible reasons I could have been asked to come in? Poor woman. I then remember seeing the doctor who had done the tests walk past me. I wanted to stop him and scream, 'you said it was all fine!! You lied!!' He had done the colposcopy. My smear test, which I hadn't had for 7 years had shown abnormal cells. All standard procedure. I remember that doctor saying to me, 'all good here, I can't see anything untoward.' 
I genuinely hadn't given it much of a second thought until that call. Especially as I was feeling great, running, fit and healthy. I find Cancer so curious like that. How can a disease that can kill you be so silent?
'Natalie, you can come in now.'
I feel sick as I write this, it is coming back to me.
'Doctor', I said, pleading with every inch of my soul, 'please just tell me I do not have cancer.'

The doctor took my hands and held them. 'Im so sorry Natalie, I'm afraid I can't tell you that. We have found cancer.'
Lots of words came after that. Encouragement about having found it through the smear test being a positive thing. A good chance it had been caught early. They would help me get through it. I would have my treatment at UCH hospital as they were a centre of excellence. I would be really looked after.
I have cancer...
Lots of leaflets to read. 
I have cancer....
'Come with us for a cat scan, let's do some initial tests to see what is going on inside your body.'
I have cancer, and I have a baby. My beautiful 2 year old girl. I have a baby. I was screaming inside.
'Doctor, does that mean I can't go on holiday this week? ' I had been so looking forward to our week in Majorca with best friends Tracey and Steve and Vicky and Luke. I felt bloody pissed off about that.
'Drink this orange milk.' I drunk a litre of disgusting fluid in a trance before being scanned. My journey of fear and intrusion and vulnerability had started already.
And then I went home. To my mum, my dad and my baby.
'Hi baby girl, mummy's home.' 

Chapter 2 - Life before the call. Family stuff

This chapter is all about my family and will be very boring for most of you. Please feel free to skip it completely. I also promise no others chapters are this long.I wanted to capture my upbringing so you can get to know me. But more importantly, because it gives some context to the way anybody and everybody can get Cancer. It doesn't exclude anyone. 

I was born on 1st June 1972. The same birthday as Marilyn Monroe and Jason Donovan. I've never really thought about why I remembered those two shared birthdays before now. I guess it's in relation to my first love of acting and later in life, my love of Neighbours! I was aged 37 years and 1 month at the time of the call.

Born in Edmonton, London. My Mum and Dad were loving parents who worked hard to make life good for us. They met when Mum was 16 years old and married when she was 19 years old. I was born a year and a bit later and my sister, Keely, 2 years on. Childhood was good, simple and good.

You don't really think about the impact of your childhood and how much it shapes you, until you are an adult. My dad has an obsession with shoes. It is a running joke with my sister and I that Dad bought a new pair of shoes every month as we grew up.That's a lot of shoes for a man. And they are all a variation of a shade of the same colour brogues and always beautiful leather. He told us he had one pair of shoes at a time as a child and they were not the shoes to be seen in. Trust me when I say he has made up for it. I have the trendiest Dad ever. He is 65 years old and still loves clothes more than most of my male friends put together. His customised Nike trainers a couple of years back were a highlight for me - especially with his name printed on them - BRIAN!!! I really love my Dad. He was bought up as third child of four. I think that's a hard one. He wasn't the eldest boy, he wasn't the only daughter and he wasn't the baby. Where does that leave you? Born and bred Islington, to Flo and Rick, working class. He worked in Brick Lane Market as an apprentice for Dad after leaving school at 15yrs. My dad did so well for himself. He learnt his plumbing trade, started on the tools and worked his way up to management. Boy did really good. We never wanted for anything. We always had nice clothes, great holidays and amazing Christmases. Stuffed stockings at the end of the bed and a pile of pressies from Santa downstairs. And not forgetting, my parents paid for me to go to Boden Drama School. That must have been hard. I remember when interest rates doubled at some point in my childhood. That must have put such a strain on mum and dad as they had just taken a big mortgage to move us from Edmonton to Palmers Green. But, us kids didn't suffer. Drama school that resulted in me getting a part in Grange Hill- a kids TV programme. More on that later.

Mum. My mum. Only daughter to Joan and John Coffey, born Castleisland, Kerry, Ireland. Mum was born in Kildare and only lived in Ireland for a short bit before moving to Euston, London. My gorgeous nan and grandad - I feel equally honoured and sad to have had them and lost them. I really really love my mum. She had me when she was 21years old. WTF!! I can't even begin to imagine what I would have been like as a mum at that age. Mum met Dad so young, but I guess she knew, he was the one - the only one. Ever. Lucky Dad. My memories of my mum are funny. Some bits stick in my mind. For example - On Wednesday nights. Dad went to snooker club so it was girls night. We stayed in and were allowed to stay up to watch the soaps, followed by Dallas, followed by Widows. Remember that?! I remember mum trying to get the dog hair out the carpet by doing something reminiscent of the running man dance, usually in her bra and knickers. She must have burnt so many calories. Another funny story was when my mum made us take our beloved red setter dog 'Brady' to Battersea Dogs home. She had had enough of his destruction. I think he ate her new snake skin shoes and that was it. The whole family cried all night. First thing in the morning, we all got back in the car and drove like madmen to pay £100 to get our dog back.

My mum was and is really pretty - my best and oldest friend Jay really fancied her when we were growing up. She is shy. She likes who she likes. Mum wasn't the type to chat with other mums at the school gate- a bit like me now really. Unlike my sister who knows every mum at the school gate, but more of her later.

Mum worked hard too. When we were babies, she had a Sunday job at WHSmith at Kings Cross train station. How can I ever forget, her turning up at Nanny Flos distraught! A punter had stopped, whilst she walked back and asked her how much for her services. I put it down to her glamour. Always big gold hoops in the ears, and cool outfits. Mum changed out of her wedding dress straight after the service and changed into hot pants. Go girl x

Mum has always had style. Their interior decoration was always well ahead of their time and roots. I credit them 100% for any style that I now have. They had amazing wallpaper, long before 'feature walls' were trendy. They went to auctions and introduced me to antiques. Looking back, I was really proud of the homes they made for my sister and I.

Now, when I say Mum and I had some power struggles growing up, I mean it. 'Get down those stairs and walk up them again quietly,' she would yell.I must have stomped my way up and down those stairs 40 times before giving up. Oh my goodness,we battled. But mum was early 30's and I a determined feisty teenager. We both thought we were equals and therein laid the problem. I remember running away to my friend Francines when I was 16yrs. I can't remember how I got there- just Dad turning up at her door and dragging me home. I don't remember being told 'I love you' as a child. We weren't like that. But I do remember feeling loved and safe. Your mum is your mum right? Probably no-one more important or significant in the world and my god, did my mum stand as still as a rock when I needed her 37 years later. My mum is as tough as. She has had to deal with some stuff. She discovered she had a sister when she was 14years old. Introduced as her cousin, Siobhan later confided that she was her sister and had been given away by my nan to the nuns. I mean, how do you get your head around that? And worse, after finding her sister, Siobhan passed away from a brain tumour a mere few years after. My middle name is Siobhan. 

I really need to come back to nanny Joan, the spirited, funny, independent Irish soul that I adored. Indy ,you would have loved her and she you. She gave us everything she had. My school holidays were largely down to nan, pocket money (saved in her Princess Di jug), treats, outfits, etc. She was just so generous. My sister and I stayed at hers on many Saturdays. The day would include a trip to Walthamstow market, inevitably with a Wimpy. By evening, we would get comfy in front of the TV watching 321, Dusty Bin and Bruce Forsythes play your cards right. And we always had a stash of chocolate in the top drawer of the fridge. 

It was simply memories that made for a happy childhood. I also would camp out there after Mum and I has one of our fights. Grandad used to get me petrol from his job when I started driving. We would cyphon it from his car into my yellow beetle. When I left for Australia at 18 years of age, my founding memory was Grandad John crying as he waved me goodbye. I never saw him again. He died of a heart attack weeks after retirement whilst I was living out my dreams. Life can be cruel, as I later found out for myself.

Chapter 1 - The Call

Chapter 1 - The Call - July 7th 2009 

'Hello, can I speak to Miss Somerville please.' 
'Yes, speaking, ' I said cheerfully.
'It's North Middlesex Hospital Gynaecological here, We would like you to come in and see us as soon as possible please.'
'Why, what's wrong.'
'The consultant would like to see you about your test results,'
Shit.
I immediately thought. 'Does that mean I have cancer?'
'I'm afraid I cant discuss that, I just make the appointments.'
'But it must mean I have cancer, or else you wouldn't be calling me.'
'I'm so sorry Miss Somerville, it's best if you come in and speak to the doctor tomorrow.
Panic flooded through every inch of my body. Shit, feel sick, shit. Interrupted by the sound of my angel daughter, 'Mummy!'
Yes darling, I replied, I'm coming.'
My girl, Indyana, aged just 2 years and 2 months at the time needed me. And I knew at that second, my life had just changed irrevocably. 

My very first blog - i hope it can help.....

A Bloody Big Inconvenience

I am writing these memoirs for a host of reasons.
Firstly as a thank you to Indyana for saving me. She is and will always be my world. I want her to know how she helped her mummy and made it all OK. Then to Paul for keeping his promise and never wobbling. The same for Mum and Dad, who gave up their new life in Spain to come stand by my side throughout. To my sister who I know went through it with me. They all walked in my footsteps. And to my girls, Tracey, Keeley, Julie, Leeanne, Tanya, Merille, Siobhaun, Vicky, Rhonda, Sam, Claire and Nancy. And the boys, Jay, Luke and Stevie Lamb. I love you all. This group of people define my life.
The other reason is because I want to provide some hope for others that are going through it now. I really struggled to find many good news stories when I was diagnosed and God knows, I needed them. There will be women being diagnosed as I write and their worlds being blown apart. Well, you can get through it just like I did. I hope my story might help you through the dark times.
And finally, for therapy. For me. This is the first time in 4 years, I have been able to release all of the feelings and emotions that I have experienced. And it has felt good. It has been hard and there have been tears but mostly I feel proud. Proud of who I am and how I got here.
X