Chapter 3 - doom day

I remember this day very clearly, surprisingly. I did actually sleep the night before, after the call. I think it was my body preparing me for the road ahead. I remember somehow Paul and I getting to the hospital in a bit of a trance, my legs felt like lead. When I arrived, I remember accosting the receptionist. I was ranting about how I had been asked to come in and asking, 'what did that mean?'

Did she know of any others who had been asked to come in that didn't have cancer? Were there any other possible reasons I could have been asked to come in? Poor woman. I then remember seeing the doctor who had done the tests walk past me. I wanted to stop him and scream, 'you said it was all fine!! You lied!!' He had done the colposcopy. My smear test, which I hadn't had for 7 years had shown abnormal cells. All standard procedure. I remember that doctor saying to me, 'all good here, I can't see anything untoward.' 
I genuinely hadn't given it much of a second thought until that call. Especially as I was feeling great, running, fit and healthy. I find Cancer so curious like that. How can a disease that can kill you be so silent?
'Natalie, you can come in now.'
I feel sick as I write this, it is coming back to me.
'Doctor', I said, pleading with every inch of my soul, 'please just tell me I do not have cancer.'

The doctor took my hands and held them. 'Im so sorry Natalie, I'm afraid I can't tell you that. We have found cancer.'
Lots of words came after that. Encouragement about having found it through the smear test being a positive thing. A good chance it had been caught early. They would help me get through it. I would have my treatment at UCH hospital as they were a centre of excellence. I would be really looked after.
I have cancer...
Lots of leaflets to read. 
I have cancer....
'Come with us for a cat scan, let's do some initial tests to see what is going on inside your body.'
I have cancer, and I have a baby. My beautiful 2 year old girl. I have a baby. I was screaming inside.
'Doctor, does that mean I can't go on holiday this week? ' I had been so looking forward to our week in Majorca with best friends Tracey and Steve and Vicky and Luke. I felt bloody pissed off about that.
'Drink this orange milk.' I drunk a litre of disgusting fluid in a trance before being scanned. My journey of fear and intrusion and vulnerability had started already.
And then I went home. To my mum, my dad and my baby.
'Hi baby girl, mummy's home.'