Its my birthday!

Hi all

I haven't written for a while. Life has been super busy and fun. It has been Indyanas 7th birthday. We had her party yesterday. For any Mums out there, it was a Disney Frozen Fest. Elsa the Princess entertained and Nanny Pat baked a gorgeous Frozen extravaganza of a cake. Indy had a ball. I know that before we know it, she won't want these little parties so I always go to town soaking up the beauty of these moments.  It is my birthday today. 42years old. I have really mixed emotions today. This week, I lost an old friend, Martin, to cancer. I knew Martin when I lived in LA nearly 20 years ago. He was a good friend and he really was one of those people that everyone loved. It has hit me really hard and bizarrely, I feel more angry with Cancer at the moment, than I have ever felt about it. I also feel a little bit guilty. But I also feel blessed and happy. At times like this, I remember more than ever that life is an amazing gift and you must make the most of every single day. Nothing else matters but love and health. I am delighted to be hitting 42 today. I am lucky enough to be spending the day with Paul and 20 of my gorgeous friends over brunch at Roka, in Canary Wharf. And the sun is out.....

Much love, Natalie x

Has cancer changed me?

I want to write a chapter about how I think cancer has changed me or not. It has definitely changed me but perhaps not as much as I would have expected it to.

I of course, now live every day as though it could be my last. But, that was sort of how I lived my life anyway. Cancer gives you permission to be more frivolous, more carefree, take more risks (as nothing else is ever really a risk again) and to be just a bit braver. Having said that, again, I have always been a bit like this. I suppose it brings out your extremities a little bit more.

Not much scares me anymore. I don't really ever get nervous about things. For example, I would have got nervous about a big presentation I had to give at work or a job interview. When I was at Tesco, I travelled the world, facilitating workshops and presenting and never got nervous for a second. In my new business, I am having speculative new business meetings all the time - I am never nervous. I definitely would have been before. In my mind, in these situations, I am always conscious that no bad outcome can ever be as bad as what I have been through. So I mess up my words - so what? So, I don't get the job - so what? So I get sacked - so what? There is a lot of 'so what?' that goes through my head. This is a good thing in the main but sometimes I wonder if I have lost my edge because of it. Its good to have a natural fear at times, it can make you more driven and perform better. By not caring as much, do you loose your edge? I simply do not have time for all the politics of big corporate organisations anymore. In the past, I would have been as involved in all the game playing as much as any of my colleagues. Now, I can't bear it - I have no place for it in my life. Thats why I left Tesco ultimately.

Not sweating the small stuff - thats probably another change. Sort of?! I am still definitely not laid back in character - that is for certain. Silly little things that annoy everyone still annoy me. Sitting in traffic is a catastrophic waste of life and drives me mad. Waking up to rain still makes me grumpy. Paul and I still argue about taking the bins out. Being thankful for still being alive doesn't turn you in to an angelic character that floats around without a care in the world. But it does change the fundamental way that you contextualise everything. I sometimes want to shake people around me when they are stressing about the small stuff. I know their small stuff is big - it is important. So, I try really hard never to let people see or know what I am thinking. This is life, sometimes small stuff gets in the way and its hard to see your way out of it. But sometimes, I really do want to say - Do you realise how lucky you are! You have your health, a gorgeous family, and love in your life. Saviour it!!!  Stop bloody moaning!!!!

I have always sort of eaten healthily and exercised so this hasn't changed. I don't look after my body any more or less that I used to. In fact if anything, I am less strict on myself. I don't care quite as much if I am a couple of pounds heavier at any given time. At one point in my life, this would have really bothered me. Now, loosing weight has negative connotations for me. It is one of the watch-outs the consultant gave me.

I no longer trust my body. I have spoken about this a bit already. If I have any pains, I think the worse. This doesn't just apply to me, but anyone I love. Indy had a spell recently where she kept feeling sick for a few weeks. Her temperature was normal, she was eating well and had bundles of energy. I found myself googling to find out whether I could have passed cancer to her in the womb when I carried her. I worry disproportionately about anyone being ill or sick.

I am not as driven for material success but.....I can't pretend I still do not want to earn good money and have nice things because I do. I do so that I can have nice experiences and let Indyana have great experiences. I still love shopping! I still love holidays! But ultimately, if I didn't earn good money, I honestly would find different ways of having great life experiences. I could give it all up and live in a tent if I had to. I think my friends will be laughing when they read this bit because I do like my luxuries. But it is true. Money ultimately is nothing without love and health. It make things easier but it doesn't make you happy. Whilst I still have it, I will spend it. When I don't have it, I will be wealthy in love and health. And I know either would be fine for me.

More on this later... Have a great wet weekend - bloody rain!!!!!!!!!!!

chapter 34 - A move to the countryside

Back from our post treatment tour, life resumed some normality. I was working as a consultant in Asda. This meant that I had a flat in Leeds, where they were based and for 9months, I lived from there between 1-2  nights per week. This was sort of crazy given you would think I wouldn't want to be away from Paul and Indy, but it was good for me. I had to throw myself into work and get back to being me. The independent me. We also decided that we wanted to move house. We loved our house and time in Palmers Green but we felt it was time to move on. The house held a lot of cancer related memories for me, and more than that, the choice of schools for Indy was not great. She would soon be starting school and we wanted the best for her. My sister had lived in Buntingford for many years so we knew the area well. I went to view a property in Great Hormead with my mum, a little village just outside Buntingford. A fantastic old house, built in 1560, needing more than just a bit of work. It was definitely a project. But I loved it. It was such a contrast to Palmers Green, tucked away in a tiny village, surrounded by fields and with the most beautiful garden. Without Paul seeing the house, I put an offer on it. (I knew he would love it - if not the work needed on it!) In August 2011, we moved in. I  remember feeling both elated and sad when I moved in. I was still only 2 years since diagnosis and I was fretful that I would never see the house decorated. We have been really happy here. It is so peaceful. I'm never happier than playing on the trampoline with Indy on a lovely summer evening or our teddy bear picnics in the garden. The change of pace was so welcome - just what I needed. And it is so nice being close to my family and Indy close to her cousins. I still miss London but I get to work there so am always in and out. We are slowly renovating. Each room is a major project - rewire, insulation, plaster, decoration etc etc. It is starting to take shape but oddly, it doesn't ever bother me. It feels like home and if we couldn't spend another penny on it, I would still love it. Indy started her new school and is very settled. She is in the same class as her cousin, Cass, and has made some lovely friends. I also started a new job at about the same time, working in the marketing team at Tesco. I stayed there until Janaury of this year. It was a good 2 years. A challenging culture and not one I wanted to stay in long term but a great experience. Working for a company of this size, gave me some brilliant experience. In my last role there, heading up Global Brand, I also got to travel. I visited Thailand, Malaysia, China, Korea, Poland, Slovakia, Czech, Turkey and Hungary. It was on some of these long flights, that I managed to start writing my blog.  I met some really very lovely people on my travels and really enjoyed getting immersed in different cultures. Working abroad allows you a very different perspective on countries that you would not experience as a tourist. Whilst at Tesco, I met a very like minded formidable lady called Claire. We both had a common ambition, to be successful and fulfilled in our careers whilst having a better balance with our families. I thank fate for allowing our paths to cross as we are now partners in business. In January of this year, we started together as Vitamin, a small retail marketing consultancy. This was a fairly risky decision for me, financially, but one I was determined to take. We are 4 months old and have had a great start to the business. I am really optimistic and excited about the future of Vitamin... so watch this space...

mums diary part 2

Hi all

I know my blogs have slowed down a bit. I have just started a business (more on that later) and so life seems to be incredibly busy. My plan is to keep writing and my hope is to finish my blog when I reach my 5 year remission anniversary on December 29th this year. I plan to be somewhere exotic with a large glass of champagne in my hand, raising a toast. So I will keep writing, even if not as often, until then....

I said I wanted to come back to my mums diary and reveal a little more of what it feels like through the eyes of a parent. I said it before  I can't imagine what it must feel like not to be able to help your child, to feel useless. But just by being there, every parent is helping. Sometimes it was really tough. Just like with Paul, I wanted to have hard conversations. Mum stayed with me during the entire period and sometimes tension was high. This is hardly surprising given the circumstances.I know Mum struggled inside but she kept a really brave face for me. She also tried getting some help from a support therapist, but like me, struggled to get much from it. She found her support much closer to home - I know my mum wanted me to thank some of her friends and family. Her 2 brothers John and Jerry to start. My two uncles were always calling and checking in on me and her. Jerry has always been a big part of Keely and I's life. He gave me my first job in his law firm and enabled me to save up the fare to Oz when I went travelling. He is now a wonderful and incredibly generous uncle to our kids who all love him dearly. Mum also wanted to especially thank Mary, Nora, Denise, Linda, Karen, Pat, Ev and Lyn. (I did tell her it wasn't an oscar acceptance speech!)

Extracts....

 - Natalie being very brave but nervous about hair loss - she doesn't know whether to cut it before it happens. So much for her to deal with and nothing any of us can do to help. its so hard, things are starting to take their toll on everyone. All I can do is look after Indy.
 - Natalie went to see someone about eyebrow tattoos in preparation. I can't begin to describe how courageous my daughter is but I can't bear it when she is on the internet searching her chances of survival. Im feeling sad and tired tonight, looking at my daughter struggle. Its not fair.
 - Natalie started her new chemo today. It was hit and miss as her white blood cells were low. Sick all night.
 - Natalie doing well. Got up, was sick, but took Indy out to see Peppa Pig show.
 - I'm feeling light headed - think it is stress?
 - District nurse visiting everyday to inject Natalie to boost her blood count.
 - Indy off school today. It is so nice having her with us for the day. It is Indy getting us through this. Just in case my nosey daughter is reading this, I'm so proud of you and the brave front you put on every day in front of us. I love you so much  - we will get through this.
 - Natalie took Indy to Ice-cream parlour in day, came home, went upstairs and shaved her hair off. She looked great. She played with Indy and her wigs - how brave to shave her hair off.
 - Natalie looks fabulous - wigs look great and Indy has no idea!
 -Natalie sad today. All of her friends went out last night and she wasn't well enough to go.
 - Natalie and I went shopping at Selfridges - more wigs purchased! Paul got in trouble when he said one of them was ginger.
 - Natalie so happy when Indyana is home with her. They went to see Siobhaun today.
 - Natalie and Paul took Indy to UK lapland today.
 - Natalie was on tube today and her wig irritated her so she just took it off. So gutsy.
 - Got new miracle ant-sickness pill - working much better.
 - Natalie took me to see counsellor to help with my lack of sleeping. Tried hypnosis  - really funny!
 - Natalie was due to take Indy to Eurodisney today but the trains were cancelled because of snow. She is so upset - really wanted to take her. I'm ratty today as I can't seem to say anything to make her feel better. Its the first time she is showing how upset she is, feel so sorry for her. She is bloody amazing.
 - Natalies last ever chemo. Doctor gave her the ok to go on holiday in January. She is going away with Jay and Keeley to Cape Verde.

What I would like to say to my Mum now....

Mum, I would never have got through this without you by my side. I know you felt like you didn't know what to say or do. But I always knew that you understood. You are my mum and my pain was your pain. I saw that in your eyes. Just having you there was my security. Its almost like I was a little girl again and your presence was my comfort. You looked after Indyana in a way that no-one else could have. And that was my comfort too. I'm sorry that you had to go through it with me and give up your new life in Spain. And you did this without any question. And you Dad! Thank you for walking in my footsteps, for hugging me when I needed it, for pretending you weren't scared, for putting up with all my emotions, for cooking for me, ironing for me, tidying up for me, for telling me how well I was doing (I needed to hear that) and for being my lovely mum that you always are. I LOVE YOU x

chapter 32 - my 40th

I wanted to write about my 40th for a number of reasons - not least because I was elated to be here to celebrate it. It was about as perfect as any weekend could ever be for me. 

Almost 3 years after diagnosis, and genuinely not believing I would be here to see it in, I reached 40years old on June 1st 2012. I thought it was worth a party of all parties. I decided that there was no better place to hold that party than in my mum and dads house in the mountains in Spain. I spoke to Jay, who I had shared so many parties with and decided we would have a joint celebration at my mums. We really hoped as many people could join us as possible but equally understood it was a pretty big ask. 

I can’t tell you how pleased we were as the numbers grew and grew - all of our very best friends bought a ticket and descended on Casa de Angeles. We all arrived on the Thursday night. Mum and Dad had prepared a very special spanish themed Tapas for us. We all sat outside under the stars eating and drinking. It was a gorgeous meal. I couldn't have been happier with my family and friends all around. Between my mums house and all of our kind neighbours, every couple had a bed of their own -which was fortunate given there isn't a hotel for miles! 

I woke up on my birthday, with a sore head, and joined the gang for breakfast on the the terrace. The sun was shining. We all chilled around the pool, laughing. I was given some beautiful gifts. It was heavenly. in the evening, we had the official party. Mum had invited a few of her friends from the mountains. Two of the neighbours had made a Paella each for the party. Later in the evening, my parents surprised us with a show. They had hired some flamenco dancers who performed on the terrace, and we all had a dance. I danced with Indy and I felt about as happy as I have ever felt. A birthday cake for Jay and I was bought out and I simply took it all in. It was heaven. 

We spent the next day on the local beach, again just laughing and laughing. On the Sunday, we headed off to Nicki Beach in Peurto Banus, one of my favourite haunts for the climax of the weekend. A few podiums and a twisted ankle later, its fair to say - a good weekend was had!

Thank you from my heart to Mum, Dad, Paul, Keely P, Jay and Keeley, Tracy and Steve, Julie and Tim, Merille and Dean, Luke and Vicky, Steve and Claire, Joy and Andrew, Leeanne and GP, Tanya and Mark, Fran and Adam and Nancy for the best weekend of my life. 

And to anyone who is soon to hit the big 40 or 50 or 60 - embrace it, be thankful for it and love it xxx

Chapter 31 - Indy - Early years

 Chapter 31 - Indyana - early years….

Like I said I have never been very maternal but having Indyana in my life has been nothing but pure enrichment. I am still not maternal and getting the balance of being me, a mum and a career woman is still what makes me tick. But only so that I can be a better mum and role model to Indy. After Indy was born, I did stay at home for 4 months, but drove Paul mad in the meantime. The nappy, feed, nappy, sleep routine was a challenge for me. I am very fortunate as I was able to do some consultancy work for a couple of days per week, during the first year, which kept me balanced.

Indy was a very happy little baby. She didn't like sleeping that much (and still doesn’t) but that never altered her good moods all day. It isn't everyones parenting style, but we didn't hugely alter our lifestyle after Indy. She came with us to friends for sleepovers, travelled with me from 10weeks old and didn't have much of a routine. We took her to India when she was 6 months old! She has always been my little sidekick. When I was diagnosed, if it is possible, I loved her even more. I wanted and needed her near me for strength, love and hope. We sort of pay the price for it now as she isn't a fan of her own bed, and firmly believes she belongs in the middle of Paul and I come sleep time. Whilst it drives us mad at times, I don’t really mind deep down. She will grow out of it soon enough. 

She is a quirky little thing. Quite shy at times, but confident with her immediate circle. She is kind, sweet and caring. Her laughter makes me want to burst with happiness. As an only child, her siblings are my nephews - her cousins. In particular, she is thick as thieves with Cass, my sisters youngest boy. They have a complete brother / sister  relationship - fighting when together and longing to be reunited when apart. Cass is her security blanket at school and also the person she will blame for any of her ‘naughty’ moments - ‘Cass made me do it Mummy!’ I wish with all my heart, that her cousins remain her surrogate siblings for all of her life. 

I also just want to take a moment to say thank you to my cousin Penny at this stage. We grew up together as kids, and me, Keely and Penny were in and out of each others pockets all the time. Penny now lives in Birmingham and we have all remained close. When I was diagnosed, I remember vividly, the care Penny showed for me. She always text me after appointments and I know she was very upset at my diagnosis. She has a lovely family and I am also close to her lovely daughter Phoebe, who is an academic star and lovely girl. 

So, Indyana went to nursery when she was 1 years old. She met her buddy, Liliana. 

Lilianas mum, Laura and I became friends. Again, I want to say a thank you to Laura. We were new friends but soon after meeting, I was diagnosed. I know this touched Laura as it was so very close to home. Our daughters were 1 week apart in age. She often met with my mum so that the girls could play together during my treatment. Laura has since moved away but we are still in touch and taking the girls to their first ever pop concert in May - Katy Perry - here we come! 

I don’t believe in having regrets but my one regret in life is not having Indyana a bit sooner. For all sorts of reasons. I don't dwell on the fact that I couldn't give her a sibling as all I care about is being her mummy. And my plan is to be her mummy for a very long time………..

Sorry for a slightly random chapter….I just want to end by saying that there are many women being diagnosed as we speak who will never get the chance to have a beautiful daughter or son and I dedicate this chapter to them, with my heart and love. x 

Chapter 30 - Paul

Chapter 30 - Paul and marriage

Apparently, a man is 6 x more likely to leave a wife with cancer that a wife leaving a man if he was ill. I don't want this chapter to get into a deep rooted analysis of men and women, but that is an interesting fact. Any marriage has its strains and challenges and having cancer is certainly one of those. 

I want to say outright, that this chapter is a tribute to Paul. It is a thank you. It is without question, ‘I love you.’ But equally, in respect to anybody having a tough time with their relationships, I also need to acknowledge the strain cancer puts on all relationships. 

There is absolutely no right way to deal with the emotions of a wife dealing with cancer. And even when you think you are trying hard to get it right one day, a different mood or emotion will mean you have failed. Sometimes I wanted Paul to accept I might die, other days I wanted him to be rock solid. I forced him to talk about a future without me. I was angry and sad some days, and optimistic and strong on others. It was a roller coaster and Paul was sat next to me on the ride, trying to predict how I would react to each turn and dip along the way. 

It didn't make it any easier that Paul, like many other men, is not a natural communicator. He struggles to express his feelings - unless Everton have just won a game;)) That doesn't mean he doesn't express his love, he finds it very easy to tell Indyana and I how much he loves us. He just struggles with any deeper stuff. I am a big communicator on the other hand, and in this respect, Paul and I are chalk and cheese. This has always been a dynamic in our relationship, and in normal circumstances, we just accept it as a difference. When cancer comes into the equation, it puts a spotlight on this difference and magnifies it, in a not so positive way. This was tough at times. Honestly, I felt lonely at points. 

Equally, I can't imagine for one second how very difficult this was for Paul. For all my protestations about wanting to communicate more honestly, I also wanted Paul to be a rock and never falter in his strength. Can you see how difficult this must have been? Paul outwardly, categorically, always believed that I would survive. I know he must have been terrified deep down but he genuinely never showed this. Even when the prognosis went from bad to worse, he held his nerve. He was always so forthright about my getting through it. And I thank him to this day, for if anyone else had shown fear, I’m not sure that I would have been so strong myself. 

During my treatment, Paul had to continue to work. We still had a mortgage to pay and we were both working to maintain our financial commitments. However, Paul was there for every single moment that I needed him by my side. He held my hand at every appointment, for the bad news and the good. He was there after each chemo treatment and with me when I was rushed into hospital each time. He slept on hospital chairs and pull out beds. He was with me as they put the epidural in me for the internal radiotherapy and he was the first face I saw when I came out of the theatre. He was the only face I wanted to see and the only person I wanted at my side at these times. He was and is the person I trust most in the world. The person who knows me the best. He made me feel as safe as I could possibly feel during these times. 

Paul also lost his Dad - the very gorgeous, gentle and kind Geoff during this period of time. And I wasn't able to give him anything, emotionally. He grieved on his own, while trying to support me. His family live in Liverpool and Ireland, so he really was a one-man tower of immense strength. 

I can understand how many relationships do not make it through cancer. Some just can’t hack the new reality and others just have their eyes opened to wanting more from a relationship. I guess it gives many the courage to make sure the marriage they are in is the right one. But if you do make it,  I think it can deepen the bond. And it means you can pretty much deal with anything else from there on in. 

I don’t know what I would have been like if fate had meant it was the other way round. I do know I wouldn't have been able to surpress my fear the way that Paul did. I hope I would have been able to walk next to him at each step of the journey, like he did for me. With patience, love, kindness, cuddles and a force of belief. 

Paul, like Indy, got me through. He is one of the good ones. 

Love you Evo x