Chapter 28 - CHECK-UPS? What check-ups?

Chapter 28 Check ups - what check ups?!

So, the plan was to have an internal examination every 3 months for years 1 - 2 and then every 4 months in Year 3 and every 6 months in years 4-5. So that is 15 in total. 

I have been to 3 check-ups. Let me explain. 

So, the first thing I should tell you is this. Given, as you know, my anxiety levels went through the roof whenever I was in that hospital, I psychologically could not cope with the check-ups. From the second I entered back into that hospital, I was transported back to chemo. It was the same ward. Why can’t check-ups be in a different location? Back to the dreaded consultants office where I had only ever heard bad news (with the exception of once!). I was not strong enough mentally. I wasn't prepared to hear any bad news. 

So, on the first appointment, I decided that I didn't want to have an internal examination. I was in and out in a flash and told myself that I had checked in. That was the one I had returned home from Australia to attend. 

What I need to explain next is the ongoing aches, pains and oddities that I have experienced over the last 4 years. I was never prepared for this and no-one ever really told me to expect any ongoing side effects of the treatment. I was warned that I might loose my nerve endings in my fingers or toes. It happened to be my toes and I have had severe cramp ever since. Paul will often see me hopping around the bed in the middle of the night trying to shake it off, even now. 

I have had some little pains and some really big pains over the years. They were always manageable physically but not mentally. The problem is that I no longer trusted my body. Its amazing how much we all take our bodies for granted and ordinarily, we can write of these aches and pains. Of course, now, I scrutinise every last one. I know my body intimately and I can detect every little sign. I hate that I can no longer trust my body at the age of 41 years. 

Of course, each time there was a sustained pain, I went on a downward spiral mentally. At times, I have been utterly convinced that the big C was back. In the first year, it was a massive mental challenge for me. I continued to work but to be honest there were days when I wasn't strong enough to be doing anything. I would be on autopilot performing whilst contending with this dark character that was rearing his ugly face again. And when I got scared again, sometimes it came out in tears, other times in anger but mostly just a real edge. I was just scared and Paul had to deal with it a lot. As each year passed, I have learnt to deal with these pains much better. A pain does not now equal cancer. That is because I have had the pains continuously on and off and I am still here so I can begin to reconcile that there may just be another cause of the pain. 

So, the second time I went for a check up, it was because I had found a lump in the groin area. I had to press really hard to find it but find it I did as I lay scrutinising my body one night. The doctors sent me for a scan but I never went for the results. 

The last time I went for a check-up back up in 2011 was because my pains had got so bad, I was desperate. When I got to the hospital and saw yet another new consultant, I was once again beside myself. He proceeded to tell me that I had post traumatic stress disorder. I proceeded to tell him that if he looked at my records, he would see that the hospital visits gave me the stress and outside of these visits, life was normal. This was true to some extent. I was much calmer at all other times. I then asked him to tell me the statistics of whether I was more likely to be saved from cancer should it return, if I came to regular check-ups. He had no choice but to spell out the truth.  For me, it really was kill or cure. If the cancer returned, the chances of curing me were 0. Therefore, if they detected it, the best they could do is offer more treatment which would give me a short extension on life. I am sorry to be so graphic with this but this is the truth. On this basis, and on balance, the doctor suggested I didn't return for check-ups but was more lead by how I felt generally. He gave me some watch outs (upper back pain, swollen lymph nodes in the neck, nausea etc) . You will often, even now catch me, unconsciously, feeling my neck. 

I had a scan at this appointment - my second scan. Once again, I didn't go for the results. 

One year later, in November 2012, I was sat at my desk in Tesco and I had been experiencing a prolonged run of pain again. I decided to mail my consultant and ask for the results. She sent me back a response saying that the scan had been clear and showed no sign of disease. I had waited a whole year for those results. I was too scared to get them. I sat at my desk and hid my falling tears. Then called Paul and Mum to share the belated good news. 

This is the hard truth about living with cancer - its bloody tough. I am conscious that this chapter is a bit gloomy and I apologise. But it is real. I do want others to know that these pains don't mean it is back. They are part of the journey to recovery. x