Immediately after my last chemo, I had a scan which would determine whether the treatment had worked initially. This would simply show whether the combined radio and chemo had burnt the tumour away and all the residual cancer that had escaped into my lymphatic system. Scans can only detect cancer cells of a certain mass so it would only be an indicator of success. Ultimately though, if it hadn't worked at this first hurdle, I didn't stand a chance.
In the run-up to the appointment, I was a complete wreck. I called my macmillan nurse daily explaining that I was too scared to come in. Deep down I was hoping they would say ‘Don’t worry Natalie, I’ve taken a sneaky look at your results and it is all good.’ But of course, they didn’t. they aren't allowed to.
I can’t really explain how frightened I was on the day. My legs felt like lead when I walked. I was just so terrified to the core. This was my life we were talking about. When I arrived at UCH, as usual I was kept waiting well after my appointment time. My anxiety rose until I just broke down. A nurse took me into a private room and helped me breathe through it. Eventually, I got called in to see Mccormack. I walked the corridor. It felt like the Green Mile.
I had said to Paul that I would know immediately when I entered the room what the outcome would be. I would be able to tell from the look in her eyes and whether she asked me to sit down immediately.
‘Hi Natalie - please take a seat.’
Shit.
Then she proceeded to say the words that I wanted to hear. The words that I needed to hear. The best words I have ever heard to this day.
‘Your scan results are showing no evidence of disease.’
Again, I broke down in tears. Paul just tightened the hold he already had on my hands. And I saw the relief in his eyes.
‘Does that mean I am in remission?’ My voice was barely audible.
‘Yes, it means you are in remission.’
I couldn't get out of there quick enough. I didn't need any more information at this point. I thanked her for her time and got myself out of that big victorian building quicker than you can even imagine. I picked up my phone.
‘Mum - it worked. I’m in remission.’ My voice was choking and loaded with emotion.
I then heard her tears and her shouting the news to my Dad.
‘Come on Paul, lets go for a glass of champagne.’ We stopped at the first bar on Warren Street and sat fairly quietly in reflection and shock. But it was a good silence.
And then I went home to my baby. I wanted to tell her the good news but of course she didn't have a clue. I told her privately in my thoughts.
Exactly, one day later, I had booked the three of us a break. We sold our car, and bought tickets to Australia via Dubai and Thailand. We were going on an adventure for 6 months. I just wanted to be with my family and soak them up for every minute of every day x
No comments:
Post a Comment