I thought long and hard about whether to include this chapter. I have decided I must as I committed to giving an honest account. I want to describe this because I want other sufferers to know it is normal and part of the process. Although having said that, I also know many cancer patients who were not nearly as scared as I. I admire these very strong people. Unfortunately, I have always been a bit of a scaredy cat! I am sorry in advance if it makes for horrible reading and I'm even more sorry if you are currently experiencing some of these fears.
Sadly, when you are given a 30% chance of survival, it is beyond difficult to ignore this fact. However determined you are, there is a reality that you may not make it. My new life had and has this as a backdrop to everything else. It is really hard articulating this fear but here goes..
Imagine a nasty old character called death and imagine having to carry this person around with you everyday and look at him in the face everyday. I tried pushing him away but he kept popping back. I used to see him constantly but now I only see him on a rare occasion.
How do you begin to try to come to peace with this reality ? What I mean is, how do you psychologically cope with this data? I never accepted that I could die but somehow, I tried to process this information. And do it in a way, that never allowed it to get the better of me.
I can't pretend I didn't have some very dark thoughts. This ever present character means you cannot control your thoughts. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy teaches you to train your brain so that it behaves in a more structured and logical way. The problem with being diagnosed with Cancer is that whatever path or thought process, you attempt to take your mind down, there is a looming reality at the end. There is no way of escaping the truth. You may just die.
I didn't let this consume my thoughts but I couldn't keep it away all the time either. When it came over me, I felt out of breath with panic and sick with fear.
It came and went in different cycles of intensity. When I was diagnosed and during the spiral of events that lead to my prognosis, I do remember fear but manageable fear. It was manageable because I had a bigger focus. My treatment and my need to get through it. The real fear really started after the treatment. This is when it had either worked or not. I get to live or die and I won't have this confirmed for 5 Years. Please wait patiently.
I don't want to dwell on the dark thoughts but you can imagine the entrants. I planned my funeral. I wore a long white dress. The same I wore to my 40th birthday party. I came down the aisle to 'I've had the time of my life' (Dirty Dancing) and I wrote my farewell speech. I worked out what role each of my family and friends would play in Indyanas life. Tracy had sole responsibility for vetting any future girlfriends Paul may have. I knew that if Tracey liked her, I would too. My sister was to watch out for any real fashion disasters on Indy. And the list went on.
Of course my biggest fear was the fear of leaving my baby without a mum. Of her one day forgetting me. Of her one day getting a new mum. My heart had physical pain when I thought of this. It's all the basic things that ate me up inside. Not being there for her when she needed me.
That was my job.
I worried about leaving Paul as a single dad. I worried about him meeting someone else. I gave him permission to but with all sorts of criteria. (I'm such a control freak).
I studied the physical process of dying - how would it actually happen? That didn't make for great bed time reading.
All the big stuff like this was horrible but sometimes the small stuff was worse.
Sadly, when you are given a 30% chance of survival, it is beyond difficult to ignore this fact. However determined you are, there is a reality that you may not make it. My new life had and has this as a backdrop to everything else. It is really hard articulating this fear but here goes..
Imagine a nasty old character called death and imagine having to carry this person around with you everyday and look at him in the face everyday. I tried pushing him away but he kept popping back. I used to see him constantly but now I only see him on a rare occasion.
How do you begin to try to come to peace with this reality ? What I mean is, how do you psychologically cope with this data? I never accepted that I could die but somehow, I tried to process this information. And do it in a way, that never allowed it to get the better of me.
I can't pretend I didn't have some very dark thoughts. This ever present character means you cannot control your thoughts. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy teaches you to train your brain so that it behaves in a more structured and logical way. The problem with being diagnosed with Cancer is that whatever path or thought process, you attempt to take your mind down, there is a looming reality at the end. There is no way of escaping the truth. You may just die.
I didn't let this consume my thoughts but I couldn't keep it away all the time either. When it came over me, I felt out of breath with panic and sick with fear.
It came and went in different cycles of intensity. When I was diagnosed and during the spiral of events that lead to my prognosis, I do remember fear but manageable fear. It was manageable because I had a bigger focus. My treatment and my need to get through it. The real fear really started after the treatment. This is when it had either worked or not. I get to live or die and I won't have this confirmed for 5 Years. Please wait patiently.
I don't want to dwell on the dark thoughts but you can imagine the entrants. I planned my funeral. I wore a long white dress. The same I wore to my 40th birthday party. I came down the aisle to 'I've had the time of my life' (Dirty Dancing) and I wrote my farewell speech. I worked out what role each of my family and friends would play in Indyanas life. Tracy had sole responsibility for vetting any future girlfriends Paul may have. I knew that if Tracey liked her, I would too. My sister was to watch out for any real fashion disasters on Indy. And the list went on.
Of course my biggest fear was the fear of leaving my baby without a mum. Of her one day forgetting me. Of her one day getting a new mum. My heart had physical pain when I thought of this. It's all the basic things that ate me up inside. Not being there for her when she needed me.
That was my job.
I worried about leaving Paul as a single dad. I worried about him meeting someone else. I gave him permission to but with all sorts of criteria. (I'm such a control freak).
I studied the physical process of dying - how would it actually happen? That didn't make for great bed time reading.
All the big stuff like this was horrible but sometimes the small stuff was worse.
I remember some of the small things which are part comical, part tragic.
I was genuinely worried I might not make it to see Sex and the City 2 - the
movie. I am a huge fan of the series and loved the first film. I genuinely
considered writing to the producers to explain my situation and request for the
first cuts to be sent to me. I even thought about going to New York to see it
when it first came out.
Getting my passport renewed was hard. I kept wondering how many of the 10years I would see.
At some part of the journey, Indy naturally starting to be inquisitive about death and asked me to reassure her that I would never die. This was awful. I didn't want to lie to her but I didn't want to burden my 3 year old. I did just fine replying to her but was crying inside.
Indy always tells me that I'm the best mum in the world and she would cry if I wasn't her mum. She is so sweet and loving. The more she expressed her love, the more my heart would ache. These were some of the hardest moments.
Christmases continue to be a really hard time of year for me. I absolutely love Xmas and now we have Indyana to share them with, they are even more special. The first Xmas was during treatment. I had my last chemotherapy on 28th December 2009 so the dreaded chair loomed. There is something about the time of year that just scared me I wouldn't be here for the next. I watched Indy open her presents with a mix of emotions bubbling inside. I have felt really on edge every Christmas since.
I always coped though. I never once felt depressed. I got out of bed every morning and carried on with my life, albeit with a new companion by my side. How? I vehemently refused to let it win. Simple as that.
I did see a couple of counsellors during the early days but they just didn't work
for me. I'm not suggesting they can't help because I know they can, it just
wasn't for me. I am quite a force at times. I asked one of the counsellors if they
could begin to imagine what it felt like to know you might die and leave your
3year old behind? She replied that she couldn't possibly know but she was
there to listen. I suggested I didn't need a stranger to talk to and left. Sadly, they couldn't provide
any tricks which would take me away from the reality of the situation. I decided
that they couldn't help me. The only person who could help me was myself. So
I dug deep and did just that.
When these thoughts and moments surfaced, I was often alone and felt lonely dealing with it. I didn't want to share every last fear with Paul and my family. Partly because I didn't want to burden them and partly because I didn't think they could possibly understand. I should have talked more and encouraged them to talk more about their fears on reflection. It's just my strategy really was to just soldier on. Keep busy and soldier on. Feel the fear and then move on. That's what I did each time. I have had a really busy 4 years!
Getting my passport renewed was hard. I kept wondering how many of the 10years I would see.
At some part of the journey, Indy naturally starting to be inquisitive about death and asked me to reassure her that I would never die. This was awful. I didn't want to lie to her but I didn't want to burden my 3 year old. I did just fine replying to her but was crying inside.
Indy always tells me that I'm the best mum in the world and she would cry if I wasn't her mum. She is so sweet and loving. The more she expressed her love, the more my heart would ache. These were some of the hardest moments.
Christmases continue to be a really hard time of year for me. I absolutely love Xmas and now we have Indyana to share them with, they are even more special. The first Xmas was during treatment. I had my last chemotherapy on 28th December 2009 so the dreaded chair loomed. There is something about the time of year that just scared me I wouldn't be here for the next. I watched Indy open her presents with a mix of emotions bubbling inside. I have felt really on edge every Christmas since.
I always coped though. I never once felt depressed. I got out of bed every morning and carried on with my life, albeit with a new companion by my side. How? I vehemently refused to let it win. Simple as that.
When these thoughts and moments surfaced, I was often alone and felt lonely dealing with it. I didn't want to share every last fear with Paul and my family. Partly because I didn't want to burden them and partly because I didn't think they could possibly understand. I should have talked more and encouraged them to talk more about their fears on reflection. It's just my strategy really was to just soldier on. Keep busy and soldier on. Feel the fear and then move on. That's what I did each time. I have had a really busy 4 years!
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