In total it took about 6 weeks from diagnosis to my first treatment. It was a long 6 weeks. During this time, I had to keep busy to keep sane. Anyone going through this will know exactly what I mean. You might wonder why I haven't mentioned Indyana much at this stage. Indy was both my saving grace and what made the cancer diagnosis infinitely more terrifying. She is without hesitation what kept me sane. That is an overused saying. When I say it, I mean it literally. I wonder whether I would have kept it together without my will to first and foremost continue being Indys mummy. Equally, the fear of being taken away from Indy and leaving her without a mummy caused anxiety that I cannot possibly describe. I am not sure that I will ever be able to articulate it. I will try to talk about this much more later.
Back to the caravan tour. Given I am a girl that likes her luxuries, it is both funny and odd that I embarked on this little tour. Every weekend, I planned something different and dragged my mum, dad, Paul and Indyana with me. I had to consume my mind with anything other than my reality. I was treading water, as I have been really for the 4 years since.
Indyana had a ball. Pontins one week, a sleepy coastal B&B the next, followed by a caravan park and god only remembers where else. Unsurprisingly, I have limited memories about these weekends- it was so hazy. I was just doing what I could to keep my head above water. I have never been the type that enjoys being on my own anyway and now it just wasn't an option. I was needy and wanted my family with me all the time. They however, were the only ones that saw me raw and exposed. I pretty much retracted from my friends at this time. I needed space.
I do remember one night in this time, where my friends came together. It was about 3
weeks after diagnosis and my good friend Leeannes birthday party. I didn't think I
could face it so some of the gang suggested we go out locally for a meal instead.
We went to Studio Pasta in Winchmore Hill. The gang were there- julie and Tim, Keeley and Jay, Merille and Dean and Rhonda and Alan. At the end of the meal, I decided I wanted to go to Leeannes party. All my friends obliged and I arrived with a small heros welcome from the rest of the guests. It was a moment of escape. Everyone started to leave or retire to bed but I didn't want to leave my escapism. As I drunk more, I ended up talking about my cancer to anyone that would listen, including the hired entertainment for the party. I ended up crashing out with Tracy, my bestie, who I haven't introduced yet. I remember sobbing for hours, whilst she consoled me with a repeated message, 'it's not your time yet babe, it's going to be ok. ' Please let her be right.
One of my strongest feelings during this time is the sad realisation that despite my life having been ripped apart, everyone else's carried on around me. I know this sounds odd but I remember feeling angry about this. I heard about things that my friends were doing and I felt pissed off that their life was just going on as normal. It was completely irrational. What did I expect ? That everyone would stop in mourning for me? It was just that when these planned social events continued minus me, I started to feel like no one could possibly understand my pain. I started to extract myself from my friends, mainly because I didn't want them to see how bloody exposed I was. I have always been a confident and outgoing person , a strong character, and I didn't want anyone to see the shadow that had currently replaced me. Also, I only had the strength to focus on keeping sane and being a mummy. I was no longer a daughter, a wife or a friend. I couldn't give anything to any of these characters. It stayed that way for a while.
No comments:
Post a Comment