Chapter 16 - Extracts from my mums diary. Part 1.

Chapter 16 - Extracts from my mums diary - Part 1

I didn't realise that my mum kept a diary during my journey. Or if I did, I didn't want to acknowledge it in case it was too painful. I had a bit of an unspoken contract in place with my family. The contract stated that I would be as strong as I could and my poor family were not allowed to show any emotion. Holy moly! If I saw or got a hint of their fear, I couldn't cope. So, I did not expect any tears. they simply had to believe that I was going to get through it. And maybe they did? Maybe they wouldn't allow themselves to believe of any alternatives? Although I find it impossible to believe that these dark thoughts didn't enter their minds. And even when I wobbled, they stood still. Not once, did Paul, Mum, Dad or Keely express any dark fear. I was quite simply going to get through it. God only knows what really went through their minds. 

I have to say, if you read any books, it will encourage you all to be really open about your feelings with each other. For me, this just wouldn't work. I ‘allowed’ them to be sad and at times concerned for my health but no more than that. Even when I was having moments of break-down, they were not allowed to break. And I am sorry to my family if they wanted to be more open with their emotions. I don't know whether I was selfish in my approach. I hope and suspect this contract may have worked for them too?

My mum, who has been reading my blog, offered me her diary very recently to help jog my memory on the series of events. She confided that she did not express her real emotions in the diary for fear that I would find it. It is therefore fairly factual but it does give an insight into how she was dealing with this awful blow. 

I have never underestimated how awful it must have been for them. To be helpless. To see my fear and pain. And I was aware that I was not able to help them at all. I know that sounds odd? I just couldn't give anything. This chapter is not about me describing the tower of support that I got from my family. I want to write about that separately and later. This is about my mums account. Just in case there are any mums reading, helping their daughters through it, and it helps just a little bit to know you are not alone. 

 - Natalie has gone to work today. My beautiful brave daughter. How is she finding the strength to get through each day? Amazing. But I see the fear in her eyes. Indyana, the love of her life, is the key to her recovery.

 - I walked aimlessly around Enfield for hours today. My daughter on my mind. I wish I could say or do something to help. No-one can walk in her shoes. I just hope I can walk along side her. I just want her better. I want her treatment to start. 

 - A bad night. Natalie was really scared. I just want to hold her. I cant stop her having these thoughts. She thinks nobody understands. I'm her mum and I cant make it go away. 

 - Please let my daughter get better.

 - Natalie gone to hospital to discuss having an operation to remove her lymphatic nodes. I am meeting Dawn, Laura and Keely and Julie (all of Natalies friends) at teddy bears picnic in the park, with Indyana. 

 - Tracey and Claire came over and we went for lunch with Natalie. The girls are keeping her spirits up. It is like everything is normal but it just isn’t. 

 - Natalie and I went to the cinema to see Coco Channel. Natalie was very sad and weepy though out the film. 

 - Please don’t let there be any more bad news. This is surreal. My head is all over the place.

 - Natalie in hospital. She text me at 5am. Once again, I am so proud of her. 

 - We went to Alexander Palace for lunch. Natalie was upset. She want to talk about dying. This is not something I am prepared to talk about. The treatment will work.

 - Bad news. Cancer found in 5 out of 10 lymph nodes. How can I comfort my daughter? We just don't know what to do. 

 - Went to Great Yarmouth. Indyana going down big slides with Grandad. 

 - Natalie had her tattoos done in readiness for radiotherapy. So much waiting around.

 - Natalie really sad tonight. She says all days are the same. I can’t help - I feel very sad.

 - We went to Colchester Zoo with Keely, Nick and Boys.

 - Natalie and I went to the theatre to see Calendar Girls. We didn't realise that one of the characters dies from cancer. Natalie laughed. she thought it was ironic and funny we had come to see this.

 - We all went to Brighton. what a fabulous weekend if it were the real world.

 - Nat couldn't sleep. She got in my bed and we watched terrible reality TV all night.

 - Nat and Paul went to first treatment. Long day. 

 - Dad and I took Nat for treatment. She is feeling very nauseous today.

 - We had two radio sessions today. We went to Westfield shopping centre in-between and met Siobhaun and Tracey for lunch. 

 - Natalie had bad reaction to chemo and was rushed to hospital. Her temperature was sky high. We got her home in time to get her back to UCH for radio. 

 - I have to go - Indy wants my pen!

I will leave it there for now and come back to mums diary later in my blog. I do want to say one more thing though. The one thing I didn't have to worry about for a second during my journey was Indyana. My mum looked after her, entertained her, loved her, for every second. She will probably have been by my mums side as she wrote much of this diary. I did not want Indy to know for one second that Mummy was suffering and I believe in my heart, she didn't know or sense this at any point. It was a priority for me. I would never have been able to do this without my Mum and Dad by my side.  

I love my family so much and wish that I hadn't had to put them through this. They shouldn't have had to endure this pain, just like every other family having to endure it every day. I am thinking of you all. x