I was told to expect the start of my hair loss after the second or
third round of chemotherapy. I had fleetingly researched the
option of the cold cap, which can preserve your hair follicles and
limit hair loss. It was a non- starter on 2 counts:
1- In my opinion, you either loose your hair or keep your hair but I wouldn't want something in the middle. That would be even more disappointment.
2- Mum had disclosed a fear of it stopping the chemo reaching to my head. Reading between the lines, she wanted my brain blitzed too, just in case. I thought that was a very valid point.
So then you prepare and you wait. I prepared in a couple of ways. I started to buy some wigs. I tried a couple of synthetic wigs on, which to be fair were absolutely fine. The quality these days is brilliant. I guess Wigs have improved given their popularity in the entertainment industry. Most major stars wear wigs proudly. However, I took myself off to a real hair wig supplier in Golders Green and purchased my dream hair for £1200. True Natalia style. Fuck it, this was important and I deserved it. It was a bit like Cheryl Coles hair. Now at this point I should tell you and my close friends will confirm, I am not blessed in the hair department. I have naturally frizzy hair, and I definately do not rock the beach look. On the surface, it is fine as I GHD every day. Not one of my work colleagues would ever guess that in real life, I look like Michael Jackson in his Jackson 5 days. So the transformation to Cheryl Cole was sort of OK, although of course , it wasn't really. I wanted my frizz because it was my frizz.
So, the other thing I did was start to introduce Indy to the idea of wigs, before I lost my hair. I played games with her, both of us trying them on and playing peekaboo from under the hair.
I remember the moment I first felt some hair come out in my fingers. I was out shopping in Oxford Street with Lauren, Paul's youngest sister. I remember the shop - Warehouse. And I just remember feeling both resigned to the inevitable but anxious. I was expecting it but it still takes your breath away.
1- In my opinion, you either loose your hair or keep your hair but I wouldn't want something in the middle. That would be even more disappointment.
2- Mum had disclosed a fear of it stopping the chemo reaching to my head. Reading between the lines, she wanted my brain blitzed too, just in case. I thought that was a very valid point.
So then you prepare and you wait. I prepared in a couple of ways. I started to buy some wigs. I tried a couple of synthetic wigs on, which to be fair were absolutely fine. The quality these days is brilliant. I guess Wigs have improved given their popularity in the entertainment industry. Most major stars wear wigs proudly. However, I took myself off to a real hair wig supplier in Golders Green and purchased my dream hair for £1200. True Natalia style. Fuck it, this was important and I deserved it. It was a bit like Cheryl Coles hair. Now at this point I should tell you and my close friends will confirm, I am not blessed in the hair department. I have naturally frizzy hair, and I definately do not rock the beach look. On the surface, it is fine as I GHD every day. Not one of my work colleagues would ever guess that in real life, I look like Michael Jackson in his Jackson 5 days. So the transformation to Cheryl Cole was sort of OK, although of course , it wasn't really. I wanted my frizz because it was my frizz.
So, the other thing I did was start to introduce Indy to the idea of wigs, before I lost my hair. I played games with her, both of us trying them on and playing peekaboo from under the hair.
I remember the moment I first felt some hair come out in my fingers. I was out shopping in Oxford Street with Lauren, Paul's youngest sister. I remember the shop - Warehouse. And I just remember feeling both resigned to the inevitable but anxious. I was expecting it but it still takes your breath away.
The worst thing I ever did was hold onto my hair for as long as I could. I just didn't
really know what to do. There wasn't much advise or support online and the NHS
are too busy saving lives to really worry about hair. If only I had known about
Jasmin and Cancer Hair Care then, it would have been so different but more of
that later.
So, I waited as it fell out in clumps in bed, as I washed it and anytime I put my hands near it. I remember getting increasingly down about it because for the first time since being diagnosed, I looked really sick. My friend Siobhaun, always said to me that I was the best looking ill person around. She meant I looked 'well' and oddly, I probably did look ok. But now, I looked like a cancer victim and this I couldn't bear. I woke up one day and without telling a soul, I went into my bedroom and picked up Paul's hair clippers. I stood in front of my mirror on my own, mustered up every last bit of courage I had and shaved all my hair off. I didn't cry. I went downstairs to my mum and Indy, without really being able to talk. Mum immediately said, 'you just look the same to me Natalie.'
Indyana didn't even notice. That is the truth, she didn't even look curious. I guess she just saw her mummy in front of her. How beautiful is that? And how grateful I was for my little cherub at that moment in time.
Paul was just as resolute when he returned home from work that evening. A man of few words but I knew it didn't make any difference to him that he now had a bald wife. It was simply part of my recovery journey in his head. Needs must.
I also remember texting my friends and telling them. One returned the text with a message that suggested the experience must have been liberating. She was trying to be optimistic about it, what else is there to say in response? But I can tell you, it was not liberating. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. However, there was a sense of relief. Relief that it was over, the waiting was over. I think I dealt with being bald pretty well. Given my penchant for shopping, my wig collection and variety grew. I should point out, the rest were synthetic, not the real deal!
I was pissed off when my eyebrows and lashes went too, but soon got to grips with falsies. The only times it really got to me was when I was in bed. I had to wear this little black cotton beanie to keep my head warm. My bedroom was surrounded in mirrored furniture. Every which way, I tossed and turned, I got sight of this pale looking beanie head reflection. It was not attractive, trust me.
My words of wisdom to anyone going through this:
1. Do not wait to long to get rid of your hair. Do it before you loose it. It is so much easier than the period in between.
2. You do not have to do it alone if you don't want too. There are some wonderful charities, that will support and help you in the process.Cancer Hair Care and the wonderful Jasmin are perfect.
3. Have some fun. Live out your hair fantasies.
4. Do not sleep in a mirrored bedroom. X
So, I waited as it fell out in clumps in bed, as I washed it and anytime I put my hands near it. I remember getting increasingly down about it because for the first time since being diagnosed, I looked really sick. My friend Siobhaun, always said to me that I was the best looking ill person around. She meant I looked 'well' and oddly, I probably did look ok. But now, I looked like a cancer victim and this I couldn't bear. I woke up one day and without telling a soul, I went into my bedroom and picked up Paul's hair clippers. I stood in front of my mirror on my own, mustered up every last bit of courage I had and shaved all my hair off. I didn't cry. I went downstairs to my mum and Indy, without really being able to talk. Mum immediately said, 'you just look the same to me Natalie.'
Indyana didn't even notice. That is the truth, she didn't even look curious. I guess she just saw her mummy in front of her. How beautiful is that? And how grateful I was for my little cherub at that moment in time.
Paul was just as resolute when he returned home from work that evening. A man of few words but I knew it didn't make any difference to him that he now had a bald wife. It was simply part of my recovery journey in his head. Needs must.
I also remember texting my friends and telling them. One returned the text with a message that suggested the experience must have been liberating. She was trying to be optimistic about it, what else is there to say in response? But I can tell you, it was not liberating. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. However, there was a sense of relief. Relief that it was over, the waiting was over. I think I dealt with being bald pretty well. Given my penchant for shopping, my wig collection and variety grew. I should point out, the rest were synthetic, not the real deal!
I was pissed off when my eyebrows and lashes went too, but soon got to grips with falsies. The only times it really got to me was when I was in bed. I had to wear this little black cotton beanie to keep my head warm. My bedroom was surrounded in mirrored furniture. Every which way, I tossed and turned, I got sight of this pale looking beanie head reflection. It was not attractive, trust me.
My words of wisdom to anyone going through this:
1. Do not wait to long to get rid of your hair. Do it before you loose it. It is so much easier than the period in between.
2. You do not have to do it alone if you don't want too. There are some wonderful charities, that will support and help you in the process.Cancer Hair Care and the wonderful Jasmin are perfect.
3. Have some fun. Live out your hair fantasies.
4. Do not sleep in a mirrored bedroom. X
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